Chapter 44 Hannah
HANNAH
After a long and tearful goodbye with Ron and Dottie and saying one final goodbye to the animals, we are on the long journey home.
Time has passed quickly this time around, each mile left behind us making me more and more sad, but also, so excited to get home.
Unsurprisingly, Thomas has had his right hand touching me at all times.
Whether it was holding my hand, resting on my thigh, even grazing upwards toward my core and underneath the hem of my comfortable cotton sundress.
Currently, he has his hand resting on the nape of my neck, playing with a piece of my hair that’s fallen out of my messy bun.
There’s only an hour left of the drive now. Talking has filled most of the hours, but also plenty of music and singing too. I even get him to sing along to all of the Glee songs he has on the iPod. He knows every single lyric.
We call all of our families on the way home, but tell them to expect not to see us until tomorrow.
Josie had the baby on Sunday afternoon after a long labor. A little boy named Cooper. It sounds like everything went well, though, and both mom and baby are healthy and home.
The views of the Minneapolis city line appear in the windshield, lit up in the darkness, and both of us go quiet. It’s fully setting in that within an hour we will be back in Ivy Ridge.
Thomas swallows thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “I suppose I should call Elena.”
I nod, reaching into the glove box to pull out the burner phone. I turn it on and hand it over to him. He dials, putting it on speaker. While it rings, I look out the window at the familiar city.
“Thomas, so good to hear from you. Are you close?” Elena answers.
“Yes,” he replies, glancing out of the window. “We are just getting onto six-ninety-four. We should be there in about an hour. Should we meet at the station? Or go home?”
“Meet at the station. We will have your phones ready for you, and give you a debriefing,” Elena confirms.
“Great. We’ll see you soon,” Thomas responds. They say goodbye, and Thomas ends the call. A heaviness sinks in my gut.
The rest of the drive is made in silence, even as we reach the town limits, and our familiar hometown comes into view. Jason’s brewery pops up on my right side, bringing back all the memories from our first date for the second time today.
We pass the street where Henry was shot, and I look away. I’m not ready to look at that. Not ready to see the scene where everything changed. Thomas squeezes my thigh tightly. How he knows what is on my mind, I’m not sure. But that’s something he’s good at. He knows me.
When we pull up to the police station, Thomas shifts the car into park, letting out a heavy breath. “We made it,” he says, though he doesn’t sound all that excited.
He turns off the car, and he leashes Arson. Both of us get out at the same time, and he rounds the car to take my hand before leading us inside.
The station is cold, the lights bright and unyielding as we enter. Arson’s tail wags as he enters the familiar space, and Thomas leans down, unhooking his leash. The Chief is waiting for us in the lobby.
“Hey kid,” he greets Thomas. Thomas lets go of my hand to shake Chief’s, but his familiar touch is only gone for a moment, then he’s taking my hand again.
“Chief,” Thomas says gruffly.
“Nice of you to finally show up,” a new voice calls from down the hall.
A huge smile appears on Thomas’s lips, and his eyes glint with tears. “Fuck, man,” Thomas mumbles, pulling me with him. When the person comes into full view, I realize it’s Henry.
My hand is dropped once more as Thomas embraces Henry. I watch as Arson tries to greet him too, even barking to make his presence known. After their hug, Henry turns his attention toward me.
“Thank you,” he says, holding his hand out to shake mine.
Confused, I shake it. “Thank you?”
“Yes. You both saved my life that night. I know you two witnessing me being shot is the reason you were sent away, but selfishly, I’m glad you were there. Had you not been, I wouldn’t be here,” Henry explains.
When I think about it, I realize he’s right. I’ve saved lives before. It’s quite literally my job, but for him to be able to thank me for it, especially after everything, hits deep.
“Oh,” I reply lamely. Thanks brain. Why can’t I come up with things to say?
“We’re glad you’re okay,” Thomas responds for the both of us.
“Heard the good news,” Henry says, leading us down the hall. “Congratulations.”
Thomas places his hand at the small of my back, swallowing a cough. “Thanks.” He looks over at me, and I shrug. I’m not sure what the protocol is. Are we going to continue pretending?
We enter a familiar room, the same one Thomas and I shared our first kiss in. The same room where he told me he’d lied and said I was his fiancée. So much has changed since then. Am I even the same person anymore?
Elena is waiting to greet us with a smile. There’s a manilla folder on the table, and I see my cell phone next to it. In all honesty, I haven’t missed it. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. It was almost nice to have a break from it.
“Welcome home,” Elena greets, telling us to sit. Of course, Thomas rests his hand on my thigh the moment we do.
Elena and Thomas volley questions and information back and forth, and Thomas nods his head, listening intently.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting here lost and unable to focus.
I should be listening, but I can’t. My brain can’t latch onto their voices or what they’re saying.
My breathing becomes shallow as I sit in the room where everything changed.
Thomas notices, because of course he does. “Can you give us a minute, Elena?”
“Of course.” Her eyes soften as she takes me in. Clearly, she must see how much of a mess I am.
Once she and Henry leave us alone, it’s like I can’t breathe at all. “I’m sorry,” I say through shuttered breaths.
“Hannah, stop,” Thomas turns in his chair, cupping my cheeks in his large palms. “Take a deep breath with me, baby.”
I try to follow him, taking long inhales.
“Good girl,” he praises. “There you go.”
After another minute of breathing, he slowly rests his palms on my shoulders. “What happened?”
I shake my head. “I don’t even know. Being in this room brought back all the fear and anxiety I felt that night, and I couldn’t think. I don’t even know what Elena was saying.”
“Nothing important. She was going over everything that’s happened since we left. It’s nothing you need to know. I can give you a rundown later.”
Nodding, I take another deep breath. “Can we go home?” As I blurt the words, I realize I’m not sure what home is anymore. I feel so at home here, but it is the cottage itself, or is it Thomas?
“Soon. She has a few more things, but then, yes.”
There’s a soft knock on the door and Elena re-enters. “I brought some water for you two.”
She passes us two cups of ice water, and I down mine, letting an ice cube slide between my lips to rest on my tongue.
The cold ice helps me relax even more. Thomas keeps his palm on my thigh, and this time, I try to listen more when she explains what the next few weeks will be like, how we will more than likely have to testify in court when the time comes, and what they need from us.
Neither Thomas nor I bring up our engagement. Though, I suppose in her eyes, it was never fake, so continuing it would only be logical.
Twenty minutes later, we both have our phones again, and we’re walking out of the police station.
Thomas opens the passenger door of the vehicle for me, closing it behind me when I’m in.
He opens the back door for Arson who hops up and licks my face, similar to the first time I was in this car.
All the similarities are sinking in, only this time, we aren’t going to be ending up at a safe house together.
I’ll be back at my small apartment. Alone.
Thomas gets into the car and we leave the police station. With every passing second, I feel more and more like I’m about to burst into tears. I can’t stand to look at him, because I know if I do, I will lose it.
I’ve fallen for this man, and I don’t know if he will want to keep me. Once he sees who I am outside of the bubble we have been in, will he still like who I am in real life? Was it only due to convenience that he kept me as close as he has?
The evil voice in my head is telling me so, even though he’s done nothing but protect, care, and… love me for who I am.
I look out the window at our small town, quiet at this time of night, and try to rationalize with myself. Thomas likes me for me. He’s said that time and time again, so why can’t I tell my brain to shut up and believe him?
He pulls into my apartment complex, and I grab my backpack at my feet, climbing out of the car before he can open the door for me. I open the back door, leaning in to give Arson some love. He won’t be sleeping at my feet tonight, and leaving him behind might hurt most of all.
I wrap my arms around his soft fur, hugging him close. “Bye, buddy,” I whisper. “Thanks for keeping me safe.” Arson nuzzles in close, licking my cheek again.
When I pull away, I have to wipe tears from my cheeks.
I shut the door, leaving him in the still-running vehicle.
Thomas won’t be gone long, so he will be fine for a few minutes.
Thomas has grabbed my other bags from the trunk, leaving only my pillow and blankets.
I grab them, and we head to the front door.
I unlock the lobby door with my key, silently walking down the hall to my apartment.
When I reach my door, I unlock it and swing the door open, revealing my apartment. Nothing has changed in the time I’ve been gone. The mail I got that day is still sitting on the countertop, my throw blanket still strewn on the couch. My apartment has been frozen in time for six weeks.
I walk down the short hallway to my bedroom, throwing my backpack, pillows and blanket onto the bed. Thomas follows, setting the bags he’s carrying onto the floor. We haven’t said more than three words to each other in the last twenty minutes. I don’t even know what I would say.
Thomas is the one to break the silence first. “Do—do you want me to stay?”
I’m shaking my head before my heart even has time to process. My heart wants to say yes, of course it does, but my brain is saying no. “No, I should get some sleep,” I say, as if that isn’t what he would want to do here.
“Hannah,” he breathes my name, stepping up to me. His hand slides around my neck, the other tilting my chin so I’m forced to look at him. “Can I stay? I want to be close to you tonight.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say, but even I can taste the lie as it leaves my lips.
“That’s not what I asked,” he mutters, squeezing his eyes shut. “Freckles, I can’t stand the thought of not sleeping by your side tonight.”
I rest my head on his chest. I have to do this. “I… I think some time apart would be best.”
“Time apart?” he questions, pain seeping into his voice.
“Not a lot. I don’t think we need to be together all the time.
Sleeping apart might be good for us,” I explain.
I don’t look at him, because I know I’ll break.
I’ll tell him to stay and never leave my side.
“We spent six weeks together. With each other nearly every moment of the day. Don’t you think a break is good? ”
“No,” he says, voice cracking. “I don’t. Don’t pull away from me, baby.”
“I’m not,” I try to say, but Thomas pulls my face from his chest to look him in the eyes. His beautiful blue eyes are filled with tears.
“I don’t want this to end, Hannah.”
“It’s not ending,” I say. “I want to sleep alone in my bed tonight, is that so bad?”
Thomas looks up at the ceiling, swallowing harshly. “You promise you aren’t pulling away?”
I shake my head. Can I really make that promise? I don’t want to pull away, but yet aren’t I doing exactly that?” “I promise.”
“I will give you some space, but Hannah, trust me when I say I am all in with you. I don’t want to leave tonight, but if that’s what you want, then I will.”
“I think a night or two apart is good, Thomas.”
“I disagree, but okay,” he concedes. “Do you need anything before I go?”
I shake my head, willing myself to keep it together for a few more minutes.
“Okay. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” He cups my cheeks, taking my lips in a deep kiss.
He pours all his emotion into this kiss, and by the end of it, I’m ready to throw in the towel.
Make him stay and hold me all night long so I don’t have to feel the way my heart is being ripped out of my chest as he tears our lips apart, kissing me one final time on the forehead.
I don’t though. I need to start getting used to being alone again. I can’t always rely on him.
“Goodnight, Hannah,” he whispers, turning and heading to my front door.
“Goodnight, Thomas,” I reply, watching him leave and instantly regretting it.