✧･Chapter 40 Youve Always Had Me. #4
"You know... I used to think loving someone for the rest of your life sounded terrifying."
Her voice is soft behind me, so soft that for a second, I think I've imagined it.
My entire body goes still, because I hadn't heard her come in. I turn my head just slightly, but I don't look back. I can't. Not yet. If I turn around now, I know whatever control I have left is going to disappear completely.
Mae continues, her voice quiet and close.
"I thought it meant promising something you couldn't possibly know for certain. How could anyone promise forever when you don't know what tomorrow looks like?"
I close my eyes again, pressing my fingers against my lips as another tear slips down my cheek.
"But then I met you."
My breath catches.
"And somehow, forever stopped feeling like a promise I was afraid to make."
I stare at the painting, and Mae's voice trembles just slightly now.
"It started feeling like the easiest thing in the world."
My chest aches so badly I have to press a hand against it and I still don't turn around, because I need another second.
"I spent so much of my life being afraid of what loving you meant," she says. "I was afraid of what it would cost me. I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid of losing everything I knew."
Her voice pauses.
"But I lost you instead."
That breaks something inside me. A sob catches in my throat, and I cover my mouth quickly, shaking my head as tears fall freely now.
"And losing you was worse."
I hear her take a breath behind me.
"So when you came back, I knew I couldn't do it again. I couldn't spend another six years pretending I didn't love you. I couldn't keep choosing fear when I already knew what my life felt like without you."
I lower my hand slowly.
"I love you, Claire."
The way she says my name makes my eyes close.
"I love you when you're teasing me. I love you when you're stubborn. I love you when you pretend you don't care about something even though I can see it written all over your face. I love the way you dance with me in the kitchen when you're exhausted.
I love the way you leave your shoes in the middle of the hallway and somehow never notice. I love that you still don't know exactly what you're doing half the time, and somehow you keep choosing me anyway."
A broken laugh escapes me through my tears.
She's quiet for a moment. Then, even softer, she says, "I'm going to love you for the rest of my life."
My heart stops.
"I'll love you when we're young and stupid and still figuring everything out. I'll love you when we're old and gray and arguing about God knows what. I'll love you on the good days, and I'll love you when life isn't kind to us. I'll love you in every version of our life that we get."
I can't hold it together anymore. I wipe at my cheeks, trying to breathe through the sob that threatens to come out.
"And I know I can't promise you that nothing will ever change," Mae whispers. "But I can promise you that I'll be here. I'll keep choosing you. Every morning. Every night. Every day in between."
There's a pause, then she says my name again.
"Claire."
Something in her voice makes me finally turn. I turn slowly, expecting to see her standing there.
Instead, my breath disappears.
Mae is already on one knee.
She's holding a small ring box in both hands, open toward me, and inside it is a ring.
For a second, I don't understand what I'm looking at.
My eyes move from the ring to her face, then back to the ring, then to her again.
Mae is crying, actually crying. Her cheeks are wet, her eyes red around the edges, but she's smiling at me in that small, nervous way she gets when she's trying to be brave about something that matters too much.
And suddenly every painting behind me makes sense.
The beginning. The friendship. The kiss. The years apart. Finding each other again. The future. She wasn't just showing me our story... she was showing me the life she wants to keep writing with me.
My hand flies back over my mouth. "Oh my God."
Mae lets out a shaky laugh, and I can see her trying not to cry harder. "I had a whole speech," she says softly. "I practiced it so many times."
I laugh through my tears, shaking my head as I look at her. "Mae..."
"I know..." She barely whispers out.
She smiles, then repeats it again, "I know."
She looks down at the ring for a second before lifting her eyes back to mine.
"I don't need you to have all the answers. I don't need you to know what every year from now is going to look like. I just need you to know that when I picture my future, you're there."
Her fingers tighten slightly around the ring box.
"You've always had me."
The words hit me so hard that I have to take a step backward.
Seven years.
All the years we lost.
All the things we were too afraid to say.
All the time I spent believing loving Mae meant eventually losing her.
And now she's kneeling in front of me, offering me forever like it's the simplest thing in the world.
Mae takes a breath.
"Claire Whitman..."
Her voice breaks, and she smiles through it.
"Will you marry me?"