Chapter 27
Jolee
I ignore the buzzing at my apartment door. Who would be here anyway?
I can’t. I can’t face anyone else. I don’t have anything left to give.
I’m barely functioning on empty.
I stay hidden in the dark, my phone silenced and the world shut out. I already did what I had to do today. I went to the police station. I handed everything over and answered all their questions. The letters are done. The truth is out.
They told me Shelly confessed.
She admitted to all of it. The letters. Rigging the explosion. Her plan for her own life next.
No remorse or guilt, just a person filled with hate.
What I wasn’t expecting was the why. I needed to know, but it was another dagger to my heart.
He was cheating on me… with her. It’s hard to even think about. To imagine. I was young, in love, and clearly, I missed the signs that he was sleeping with someone else. He never was saving himself for me, or so Shelly claimed.
What’s important now is that my men are safe. That’s what I keep telling myself. Clay is alive. Grant is alive. I should feel relief. I do feel relief, but it doesn’t stop the pain. My heart feels split open, bleeding in a way I’ve never known. And I’m not strong enough to stitch it back together.
Why would I even think they want anything to do with me? I’m not worthy of love. Not worthy of their love.
I curl in on myself as sobs tear out of me uncontrollably. I cry until my chest aches, until my throat burns, until my body is rid of the toxins. I need to let it all out.
I can’t let anyone get close to me. I never should have. Everyone I love gets hurt. They die. Or they almost do.
There’s a giant, hollow ache in my chest, an absence so loud it feels physical. I did this. It’s my fault. Again.
The words spiral through my mind as I lie in bed, staring into nothing. All the lights are off. My phone is off. The TV is off. Everything around me is dark and quiet, like the world has shut down to match what’s happening inside me.
I can’t do this again.
The fear.
The guilt.
But I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Someday things will be different. Someday.
Today, I crossed one thing off my list. Just one. I made an appointment with a therapist. My life isn’t what I want it to be. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I need to figure out how to start living.
How to move forward.
How to start a new life.
But not tonight.
Tonight, I let my heart be sad. I’ve never felt grief like this. Not even when Andy died. I loved him, but our connection never had the chance to grow into something more. Little did I know that it was over before we were even married.
This grief is different.
Tonight, I mourn the loss of the younger me. The love that never got its chance. I mourn the relationship that will never exist with Clay and Grant. Every heartbeat hurts.
I let the tears fall unchecked. For the first time, I don’t try to stop them. I don’t try to be strong. I don’t try to fix anything.
I just feel it. All of it.
Tomorrow, I’ll work to fix myself.
Tomorrow, I’ll try to be better.
But tonight, the sobs continue until they’re done. Until exhaustion drags me under and I finally pass out.
Empty, broken, but alive.