In Too Deep

Chapter 10

MAYA

I head straight back to my flat in a state of cold numbness and sit determinedly scrolling through the contacts on my phone, looking for someone to take away the horrible hollow ache of pain that’s pressing in on my chest. But I end up throwing the device onto the coffee table in frustration. I don’t want any of the people in it.

I want Ben.

But I can’t have him. Not any more. Not now my father’s made it clear what his plans are for him. I know exactly what will happen if he doesn’t get his way and I can’t expect Ben to put his future on the line for me. For a fling.

Because he made it very clear through his silence that that’s really all I am to him. There was a moment back there with my father when Ben could have told him about us. But he chose not to. He chose his business interests instead.

I shouldn’t be upset about that – he never promised me more – but I guess deep down I hoped…

I swallow hard, trying to clear the painful tightness in my throat.

I know I have to pull myself together, but I’m scared that the pieces of me that were shattered apart the moment Ben agreed to go on that date with April are too fragmented to heal back together.

I slam into the kitchen and pour myself a large vodka, which I neck in one go. There’s a hot pressure behind my eyes that I can’t shake; it’s like I’m ill with some kind of fever.

Except I know I’m not ill.

It’s something much worse than that.

I’m fucking in love with him.

But he doesn’t love me back.

How have I let this happen to me? I’ve never let myself care this much about someone before – for this exact reason.

The irony of it is, I childishly thought I’d be getting one over on April by pursuing Ben. Looks like the joke’s on me.

Obviously, I don’t deserve to settle down with someone as amazing as him – not after the way I’ve acted. My father’s made this very clear, first by taking Jack away from me and now by taking Ben, which I suppose I deserve since I was instrumental in taking the woman he loved away from him.

Karma has finally caught up with me and come to mercilessly rip my heart out of my chest.

And the fundamental truth of it is, no matter how I feel about April, I know Ben will be much better off with my infinitely more palatable sister.

She can give him the kind of security and social standing he’s always craved.

They’ll make the perfect couple: business-minded, ambitious, and extremely successful at getting exactly what they want.

And I want Ben to be happy. I really do.

So it’s time for me to move on – even though the very thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

My thoughts are derailed by a loud, determined knock on the door and my stomach lurches.

It’s him. I know it is without even having to look. But I can’t talk to him right now. If I do, I’m afraid all my pain and heartache will come spilling out and I’ll never be able to put myself back together again.

I take a deep breath.

Then another.

I can’t be a coward about this. I have to face him and put an end to whatever’s left between us – for both our sakes.

There’s another loud knock on the door and I stomp towards it and swing it open, summoning every last reserve of strength I have in me, determined not to let the sight of him break me.

‘What do you want, Ben?’ I ask dispassionately.

‘I think we need to talk,’ he says.

I let out a long sigh, loading it with as much disdain as I can muster. ‘I thought I’d made it clear. It’s over. I don’t want to see you any more,’ I say, and go to shut the door in his face.

But before I can get it all the way closed, he’s put his arm out to stop me and pushed the door open again, propelling me back into the hallway with the force of the swing.

‘Hey!’ I shout in frustration.

There’s a strange kind of jumpiness building in my limbs, as if I’m losing control of them, and I’m suddenly terrified I’m not going to be able to keep up this uncaring charade for much longer.

I back up into the hallway as he advances towards me.

‘Fine – come in then. But I’m really not interested in anything you have to say,’ I mutter, turning my back on him.

I can’t let him to know how much this is hurting me. I want him to think I don’t care, so he doesn’t have to either.

Taking a deep breath, I march into my living room and go to stand in the middle of it with my arms tightly folded. He follows me in, shucking off his coat and laying it on the sofa before turning to fix me with his penetrating gaze.

I stare back at him coolly, with my blood racing hot through my veins and my heartbeat thumping in my throat.

‘Well, go ahead, then – say your piece,’ I prompt tonelessly when he doesn’t immediately say anything. I can’t stand the silence; it’s driving me crazy.

He sighs. ‘Look, he caught me off-guard, and at the time I didn’t feel like I had a choice about agreeing to that date with your sister,’ he says, his dark eyes intent on mine.

‘I know. I get it. It’s fine, Ben – seriously. But it’s time we put an end to this fling now anyway. It’s run its course.’ My breath is coming thickly through my throat as I desperately try to keep my tears at bay.

‘I wanted to tell him about us—’ he begins to say.

I put my hand up to stop him. ‘I don’t need to hear your excuses. We don’t need to drag this out. It’s over.’ I lay the flat of my hand against his chest and push hard. ‘Just go, okay? I’m bored with this now.’

He barely moves. It’s like trying to move a man-shaped block of concrete.

‘Just like that?’ he asks, as if he can’t believe I’d be so cold as to act this way.

‘Yes, just like that,’ I say, ruthlessly stripping my voice of any emotion.

‘We never should have got involved with each other,’ he bites out in frustration, scrubbing his hand through his hair.

‘No. We shouldn’t. It would have saved us both a lot of trouble.’

The air is heavy now, with resentment and something else – something dark, which throbs with dangerous promise.

‘Look, just fucking leave, will you?’ I shout in frustration.

But when I go to push him one more time he wraps his fingers around my upper arms, pulling me against him, trapping me.

And I’m not entirely sure how it happens, but the very next second, we’re kissing.

One of us must have started it, but I can’t for the life of me say who.

But it’s exactly what I want. What I need right now.

I bite at his lips, then push back hard as he kisses me deeply, forcing his tongue into my mouth. It’s as if we’re battling for supremacy.

And it’s a battle I’m determined to win.

A surge of rage at the unfairness of it all makes me shove at him hard, propelling him backwards. His legs hit the sofa and he falls back onto it, pulling me with him.

My mouth is on his again, rough and angry, and I tear at his clothes and scratch his skin, using this lead-up to sex – because that’s certainly what’s going to happen here – to make him hurt like I’m hurting, even if it’s only physically.

He’s pulling at my clothes too – tugging up my skirt and yanking so hard on my knickers that they rip and come away in his hand.

His breath is hot and fast on my face, his eyes dark and shot with lust when I pull back to look into them.

I fight with his belt for a moment, before tugging the soft leather out of the buckle so I can move on to tearing off the button on his trousers and yanking down the zip.

Wrapping my hand around his cock, I feel how hard and ready for me he is, and without another thought in my head I move up his body and slide down onto him, taking him all the way deep inside me in one angry thrust.

We both let out guttural groans as my body meets his, and I use my arms to take my weight as I bounce up and down on his cock, feeling him hit me deep inside and loving the pleasurable pain this causes me.

I’m panting hard now, letting out low groans of satisfaction as I maintain control of the movement. I’m just using him to wank off on, I tell myself. That’s all this is. I’m using him like he’s used me.

Reaching up, he cups my face with his hands and begins to stroke his thumbs across my cheeks, but I shake my head fiercely, releasing myself from his grip. I don’t want any kind of gentle affection right now. I want fast and rough and ugly.

I lift myself off him, before smashing down again and grinding myself against his pelvis, making sure his cock hits all the right spots inside me.

Sensation coils deep inside me as I repeat the movements over and over and I begin to feel myself go.

I let out a loud cry of relief as an orgasm crashes into me, the intensity of it blurring my vision and making the blood rush in my ears.

I’m taking control back.

It’s mine again now. All fucking mine.

Lights and colours flash across my eyes as I allow myself to sink into the ecstasy of the sensations, and I’m only vaguely aware of Ben thrusting hard into me from below before letting out his own groan of completion.

We lie pressed together hard, panting, his arms wrapped around me, as we slowly come back to our senses.

And that’s when the panic hits me.

I sit up, pushing at him to let go of me, to get out of me.

He draws his arms away reluctantly and I scramble off him and stand up.

‘Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?’ he asks, his dark eyes narrowed with worry as he sits up.

But I don’t want his concern. Not any more.

‘I’m fine,’ I say flippantly, though I feel anything but. I need to keep calm, keep my head, or this could all go horribly wrong for me.

Steeling myself, I turn to face him, tugging down my skirt.

‘Okay, I got what I needed – closure. So feel free to move on to my sister with a clear conscience.’

‘What?’ He looks totally confused. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

‘I’m not playing games, Ben. I’m genuinely ready to move on – and so, I think, are you.’

He stands up, tugging at his trousers, and moves towards me, holding up both hands, palms forward. ‘That’s not what this was, and you know it.’

I make a big show of yawning loudly. ‘You need to leave. I’m tired and I want to go to bed.’

He stares at me with an incredulous frown on his face for a moment, as if he’s wondering whether I’m really serious. Clearly he decides that I am, because he sweeps his coat off the back of the sofa.

‘Fine – if that’s the way you want to play it, I’ll go.’

‘Good,’ I say, and a mixture of relief and panicky regret swirl through me as I watch him disappear out of the room.

I catch up with him as he’s opening the front door. For some reason I’m unable to just leave it at that. I need to make sure there’s no way back from this.

He turns to look at me and something like relief flashes across his face – as if he thinks I’ve changed my mind and come to stop him leaving.

‘I hope you, April and my father are happy together in your cosy little threesome. You deserve each other,’ I force myself to say, trying not to react to the wounded look on his face this provokes. I have to hold the pretence together, for both our sakes. ‘Now, get out of my house!’

I give him a firm push, then another, forcing him to take a stumbling step over the threshold.

‘Maya—’

He begins to argue, perhaps hoping to say something that’ll make it easier on us both when we’re pretending to be civil to each other at all the hideous family dos we’re bound to bump into each other at for many years to come.

‘Don’t bother,’ I say coldly. ‘I don’t want to hear it. In fact, I don’t ever want to hear from you again.’

And with that I shut the door firmly in his face.