Chapter 40
“Come out with me,” Fi pleads, her hopeful eyes meeting mine through the mirror on her dresser as she applies her makeup. “It’s New Year’s Eve, you should be celebrating! It’ll do you good to get out of these four walls.”
“What do I have to celebrate, Fi? My father’s an asshole, my now-ex-boyfriend was gonna use naked pictures of me to blackmail my dad and I’m currently unemployed, crashing at my best friend’s apartment.”
The day after I found out what Killian and the guys were planning, I shot Jett a message to tell him he could shove his job up his ass.
She drops her blusher brush on the dresser. “Babe, I love you, but self-pity really doesn’t suit you. Besides, you just listed four reasons to come out with me. New Year’s is symbolic. You’re leaving the events of last year firmly in the past.”
“I appreciate you trying to help, I’d just rather sit this one out.”
She gives me a tight-lipped smile. “Okay, I won’t push you.”
“Have you spoken to Mac?”
“Pfft. Absolutely not. I dumped his ass the second I found out what he and his shithead buddies had planned for you. Speaking of exes, Killian texted me again,” she says, applying a thick layer of mascara.
The mention of his name has my stomach dropping, but it’s not surprising considering he texted me too.
It’s only been a few days since I walked out of his house, but it’s felt like years.
He messages me every day to see if I’m okay and everyday he goes unanswered.
When I don’t respond he messages Sofia and asks her the same to which she tells him to go fuck himself with a chainsaw and to leave me alone.
I’ve considered blocking his number altogether, but something always stops me. I like that he checks in, I like that he cares, even though every time my phone lights up with his name, a fresh wave of tears crash over me and leave me a snivelling wreck.
“What did he say?” I ask, curiosity getting the better of me.
“Said to say he wishes you a happy new year, even if that means being happier without him.”
I look up to the ceiling, forcing myself not to cry.
I’m not happier without him. I’m miserable and I miss him.
I never thought it possible to miss someone so much it physically cripples me.
My body aches, like I’ve gone a round in the ring with Mike Tyson.
I’m hardly sleeping, unable to shut off my racing mind that has me seeing almost every hour of the clock throughout the night.
It’s a miracle if I get more than a few hours of sleep and when I am able to, it’s restless.
If it wasn’t for Fi keeping me sane by making me laugh and giving me a reason to smile, I’d quite easily lie in bed under the covers all day with the lights off wallowing in self-pity. But she pulls me out of it. She’s there for my highs and she’s always there to pick me up when I’m feeling low.
It felt wrong driving around in Killian’s truck, so the day after I left, I got Fi to follow me to his house to drop it off.
She wouldn’t let me push his keys through his door like I was going to, instead she forced me to leave his car on the driveway, put his keys in and envelope, slap a stamp on it and post it in the mail.
Was it petty? Yes. Necessary? Not really. Fun? Definitely. It’s not usually my style but I won’t deny it felt good. He should have received them by now, even with it being the holidays.
Her phone chimes and she gasps. “Shit, my cab’s here.” She jumps up from her seat and grabs her clutch bag. “Pray I find a handsome stranger to kiss at midnight and fuck ‘til sunrise.”
“Wow, you got over Mac fast.”
“What better way to get over a man than to get under a different one?” She shoots me a wink.
“Still got your location turned on?” I ask. I made her put a tracking app on her phone so I’d know she’s safe.
“Yes, Mom!” she jokes with a roll of her eyes. “Love ya!” With a swift kiss to my cheek, she shimmies out the door in a sparkly silver dress that barely covers her ass, leaving me to ring in the new year alone, wishing it was Killian kissing me when the clock strikes midnight.
A loud bang jolts me awake, my heart racing. It’s closely followed by another one. And another.
I reach for my phone and light up the screen.
Midnight.
A whole new year, and yet it feels exactly the same. The only thing that’s changed is the calendar.
The pain is still there. The longing still tugging at my heart when I think of him, wanting nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms.
Why don’t I hate him? I hate what he did but I can’t bring myself to hate him.
Does that make me an idiot?
I don’t know why I do it, but I reach for my phone and pull up his number.
I hit send before I can change my mind and he replies within seconds.
I’d be happier if you were here, I want to write, but I force myself not to. To not give in so easily, no matter how much I miss him.
Another firework cracks through the air and I flinch.
Forgoing sleep, I slide out of Fi’s bed and pull on a thick cardigan, wrapping it tight around me as I move through her apartment into the kitchen.
I make myself a coffee before heading towards the window. I push back the curtain, and slide it open, the rush of cold air hitting me instantly, bringing me out in goose bumps. I climb out the window and onto the fire escape, something I’ve been doing a lot these last few days.
Taking a sip of my coffee as I watch the fireworks illuminate the sky in an array of colours.
A week ago I pictured Killian and I spending New Year’s together, sharing a kiss as the clock struck midnight, ringing in the new year as a couple in love. Instead I’m alone and heartbroken.
An unexpected blessing is coming your way, is what that fortune cookie said. Well, that fortune royally crashed and burned.
Something in my periphery catches my eye and I let out a scream. A dark silhouette leans up against the railing a few feet away from me. The glowing end of a cigarette burning through the darkness tells me exactly who it belongs to.
“Killian?”
He steps closer, moving into the light streaming through the window behind me.
He looks how I feel… Broken.
His eyes are heavy like he hasn’t slept in days, his hair hasn’t seen a brush in just as long and I find myself conflicted.
I hate seeing him like this. A part of me wants to throw my arms around him but the other part of me tells me he deserves it. That if he feels even a shred of the agony I have then that’s good enough for me.
His face crumples when he takes in the dark circles under my eyes and my pale skin. “Christ, butterfly. What have I done to you?”
“I think you already know the answer to that.”
He sinks to the metal floor that creaks below us, taking a seat on the top step of the fire escape, flicking away the butt of his cigarette.
I lower myself down beside him. “How long have you been out here?”
He shrugs. “A while, I think. I just wanted to feel closer to you.” He digs the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have come, you don’t need this.”
He goes to stand up but I lay my hand on his arm. “I still care, Killian.”
His eyes flick to mine. “You should hate me. Should be angry at me. Why aren’t you angry at me?”
“Why? Would it make you feel better? Do you want me to be angry? Do you want me knee you in the balls and tell you how big of an asshole you are? Because I don’t think you need me to tell you that.”
“I wouldn’t blame you, and we both know you’re capable.”
He draws a laugh from me. “Believe me, a few days ago I would’ve accepted your invitation and took great pleasure in it.
Now… I’m… I’m disappointed. In you and in myself.
Disappointed that you could do something like that to me.
Disappointed that I fell for the lies and allowed myself to believe what we had was real. I trusted you.”
“I’m sorry. I know it probably means nothing to you, but I am. Hurting you was never my intention.”
“How could it have ever ended without me getting hurt?” I counter. “What would you have done with the photos?”
He blows out a long breath. “The plan was to send them to your dad, force his hand and get him to back off from the club. To stop finding ways to ruin us. If he refused, we would’ve distributed them, publicly.”
“Humiliate him. And humiliate me in the process…” I trail off.
Deep down I already knew what the plan was, but hearing the words from him out loud sends a new stab of pain through me, creating fresh wounds over the ones already there.
I can understand his reasoning behind his plan, but what I can’t understand is how he would’ve gladly ruined me without a second thought, a total stranger, a girl who had done nothing to him or his club to justify public humiliation regardless of what my father did.
“Did you know who I was when we met? Was that part of the plan too?”
“No, I found out who you were after we met that night I saw you on the street. Cruiser was doing some digging into your dad and showed us a picture of you. I couldn’t believe the coincidence. That’s when I got the idea to use you to get to your dad.”
“So I was right? You were only with me to get revenge on my father.”
“It started out that way. In the beginning, I didn’t care about the fallout. I assumed you were a product of your dad, some spoilt rich kid and that hurting you didn’t matter.”
“What changed?”
His eyes find mine then. “I got to know you. Realised you were nothing like him and the only person I’d be hurting was you.
I enjoyed getting under your skin because you were getting under mine.
You challenged me like no one ever has. You didn’t look at me and see what everyone else sees, an ex-con who killed his mom’s boyfriend or the womaniser who barely remembers the names of the women he’s slept with.
You took the time to see the real me. You’re kind and caring, even when I didn’t deserve it.
You’re the only woman who’s made me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
It’s no wonder I fell in love with you, butterfly. ”
I hate how my body reacts to hearing him use the nickname, how my heart softens to hear that he loves me.
Why should I believe what he’s saying? But what reason would he have to lie now?
I don’t know why I do it, but I lay my head on his shoulder, his familiar warmth soaking into my skin and for the first time in almost a week, I feel strangely at peace.
There’s no hesitation as he reaches for my hand, threading his fingers through mine like he needs my touch as badly as I need his.
“Thanks for my keys, by the way. Got them yesterday.”
A laugh bubbles up from my chest. “Sorry.” There’s no feeling behind it.
“If it made you smile, I don’t mind.” I feel his lips meet the top of my head. He blows out a long breath, ruffling my hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, baby…”
My heart cracks and a lump lodges in my throat.
His arm wraps around me, his hand cradling my head against his warm solid chest as I sink into him, letting the tears I’ve been fighting back fall free. “I’d give anything to make you smile again.”
“I miss you,” I mumble against his shirt, my tears soaking into the fabric.
His hold on me tightens. “I miss you too. So fucking much. Hurting you is the biggest regret of my life and losing you is the worst punishment possible.” His lips meet my temple, then my cheek and before I know it, I’m turning my face enough for his lips to find mine.
His kiss makes me want to forget all of it. Forget everything he’s done and drown in his touch, lose myself in his kiss. It breathes life back into me, life that has drained away since the truth came out.
But I can’t.
I break the kiss. “Killian, I can’t do this,” I say breathlessly, his lips capturing mine again.
This is wrong.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
“Stop.” I push against his chest and tear my mouth away from his, and this time he doesn’t fight me. “I can’t do this. It was a mistake.” I jump to my feet, pulling my cardigan tighter around me as the cold breeze seeps through the fabric.
I give him my back, unable to look at him, the shame of allowing myself to get carried away, to give into him so easily consumes me.
“You should go,” I tell him, swiping away at a fat tear tracking down my cheek.
“Where do we go from here?” he asks behind me.
“I don’t know, Killian,” I say with a sigh. “Right now, I need space, and I need you to respect that.”
“I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m a selfish bastard and I’m gonna ask you for it anyway. Give me another chance.”
My heart squeezes tight.
I want to. I want to be with him so badly, to forget everything that’s happened but what does that make me? Does it make me a fool?
I glance over my shoulder. “I can’t promise you that.”
“Then promise me one thing, that if you ever need me, for anything, I’m only a phone call away. I will always be there for you. Always.”
Another tear escapes as I nod, offering him a small smile before turning for the window.
“I love you,” he calls after me and I stop.
“I love you too,” I admit, the mixed emotions attached to those three little words has a sob catching in my throat. “But I wish I didn’t.”