Chapter 41
“She’s so beautiful,” I gush, peering down at the baby girl sleeping peacefully in my arms, her tiny hand gripping my index finger like a vice, her chest rising and falling rapidly with every breath.
I could stare at her all day. I’ve never held a baby before, and I don’t want to let go. It’s so comforting, so peaceful.
A wave of longing hits me out of nowhere, wishing it was me holding my own baby. To have a family of my own someday.
I glance up at Jade lying in the hospital bed in front of me, gazing at her daughter with so much love in her eyes.
She only gave birth a few days ago, but due to complications, she wasn’t able to deliver the baby naturally and was rushed into an emergency C-section.
Luckily, her and baby Jasmine are perfectly healthy.
“I wish Jack was here,” she says, her throat clogging up with emotion.
I lean forward and lay my hand over hers, giving it a squeeze. “He’d be so proud of you. But he’s still here, in your heart and in her. He’s always going to be with you, Jade.”
A tear tracks down her cheek, she makes no attempt to swipe it away. “I know.”
It’s bittersweet given her partner Jack isn’t alive to meet his daughter or become a father, but there’s no doubt that little girl will be taken care of spoilt rotten, especially by her uncles.
Despite what they had planned for me, it’s clear family means everything to the Lawless men and Jade and her daughter will want for nothing.
“How are you doing anyway?”
“Exhausted,” she sighs. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
They say I can go home in a day or two and I’m counting down the hours.
The guys have been incredible. They even take shifts looking after her while I catch up on sleep.
Especially Kil—” she slams her mouth shut before his name leaves her lips.
She offers me an apologetic look. “I didn’t think. ”
“You can say his name, you know? He’s not Voldemort.”
She laughs.
I haven’t seen Killian since New Year’s, almost three weeks ago.
He’s respected my wish for space. He no longer turns up on Fi’s fire escape, he no longer texts me to check in.
I suppose it’s what I meant by giving me space, but I came to appreciate those messages.
It meant he was thinking of me, that he did care after all.
“How is he?” I ask her.
“He’s… Killian. You know him, not much of a talker especially when it comes to his feelings but… He’s miserable without you.”
“Good.” Now he knows how I feel, after all he did this to himself. He did this to us.
“He really does love you, you know?” she adds.
“I know. He opened up to me, told me things he’s never told anyone, personal things. Things that happened in prison. I don’t doubt for a second that he loves me, I saw it. But after everything, how can I forgive him? Trust him?”
“I’m not going to say what he did was okay, because it’s not,” Jade starts.
“But if this past year has taught me anything, it’s to not waste a single second with the person you love.
Cherish them. Forgive them. You’ll never regret the moments you spent with them, but you will regret the times you didn’t. ”
Tears spring into my eyes. She’s right. Even with the pain, I don’t think I could ever regret the time I shared with Killian. And even after everything, I still love him. I still want to be with him.
There’s power in forgiveness. And stupidity. I just have to decide which one applies to me.
As if on cue, the door opens and Killian steps inside, hope lighting up his face when he sees me.
“Butterfly,” he exhales.
“Killian.” My heart races as we hold each other’s gaze. It’s annoying how he affects me still, how he sets my heart racing and my skin tingling, it’s like my body plays along to a tune only he knows.
Jasmine mewls, snapping us both out of the trance we found ourselves in. His gaze dips to the baby in my arms, an unreadable expression crossing his face. He swallows, turning his attention to Jade. “Just dropped by to check on you both.”
“I should get going,” I say, rising from the chair. “I’ll leave you to it. It was really good to see you, Jade.”
Jade smiles. “Don’t be a stranger okay?”
“I promise.” I return her smile before turning to Killian. “Would you like to hold her?”
He nods.
Supporting Jasmine’s head, I pass her to Killian, electric shocks zapping through me when my hands brushes his.
She snuggles against his chest, her tiny hands curling up under her chin, her eyes screwed up tight.
He looks so good with a baby in his arms. I could stare at them all day.
I tear my eyes away, finding Killian watching me too.
I wave goodbye to Jade before giving Killian a tight-lipped smile. “Goodbye, Killian.”
“Bye, baby,” he says it so casually I don’t think he even realised he said the last part.
And god I want to hear it for the rest of my life.
“You have got to be kidding me,” I sigh, stamping my foot down on the gas pedal, only nothing happens. There’s no power. Nothing. Nada.
Shit!
After steering my car safely off the main road and into the shallow ditch, I gradually roll to a stop. Switching off the engine, sit back in my seat and breathe out a heavy sigh.
Again? Seriously?
So much for new year and new beginnings, it feels more like same shit, different year.
I’ve had my car back for less than a month and it’s already broken down on me. Now I’m wishing I’d kept Killian’s truck after all. If I had, I wouldn’t be sitting here on the side of the road by myself like the last time with a strange sense of Deja vu settling over me.
I pull out my phone from my bag and by some miracle, I have one remaining bar of signal. I dial Fi’s number, but it goes straight to voicemail. There’s no way I’m calling either of my parents so that just leaves…
“Butterfly?” he answers on the second ring.
“Hey. Uh… My car’s broken down again and I don’t have anyone else to call. You said if I ever needed you…”
“Where are you?”
“About two miles out from Stillwater, just past the junction at Meadow Lane.”
“On my way, baby.” The line goes dead and all I can do is sit back in my seat and wait for Killian to get here.
My stomach lets out a grumble. I haven’t eaten all day, in fact I haven’t eaten a proper meal in almost a week without it making me vomit. I must have a stomach bug or something, either that or I’m pregnant.
A little laugh escapes me at the thought.
Wouldn’t that just be a final ‘fuck you’ from the universe?
It’s only fifteen minutes or so before the sound of an engine has my ears pricking up. I glance through my rear window to see a bike approaching, the heavy chug of the engine something I’ve grown to love.
I step out of the car, grabbing my bag off the passenger seat as Killian pulls up in front of my car.
He swings his leg over the bike and pulls off his helmet, gravel crunching under his boots as he nears me. “You okay?”
I slam the car door closed. “I would be if this heap of crap didn’t break down every five seconds.”
“I called Beau before I left the hospital, he’ll be here with a tow truck in the next half hour.”
“I’m sorry to bother you.”
He reaches for my cheek, but hesitates at the last second, dropping his hand. “Bother me. Always bother me.”
His words warm my chest.
I follow him to his bike and he reaches into the saddle bag attached to it, pulling out the spare helmet he bought me shortly after I moved in with him.
“You still keep the spare helmet in there?”
He holds it out to me. “It’s there if you ever needed it again.”
I take it. “That’s a little presumptuous, don’t you think?”
“Hopeful,” he corrects, putting his own back in place as he climbs back on the bike.
I put on my helmet and slide on behind him as the engine roars to life beneath us.
My arms reach around him, my fingers locking together against his abdomen, holding him tighter than I think I ever have before, enjoying having him this close to me again.
As we get closer to town, the rumble of the engine seems to get louder somehow as we swing around a left-hand bend. It’s then that something catches the corner of my eye. I glance over my shoulder as a dark grey van edges closer to us.
I feel Killian’s spine stiffen. He’s noticed the van behind us too.
“Hold on!” Killian calls to me, and I tighten my arms around his mid-section.
He shifts gear and we pick up speed, doing his best to shake off the van tailing us, only we don’t lose it. Whoever the driver is they’re determined, the gap between the bike and the van’s bumper growing smaller.
“Killian!” I scream as van swerves towards us, narrowly missing the bike’s back tyre.
Killian manages to keep control of the bike, but it’s short lived. The van swerves again only this time and it clips us. The bike snakes, the back-end weaving left to right as Killian tries to maintain control. The tail flicks out and I’m flung off the bike.
I land hard. My right shoulder takes the brunt of the impact. I roll and roll and roll across the rough road surface that bites into my skin, shredding it. I finally come to a stop, pain radiating through my body and I look up to see the tail-end of the van disappearing from sight.
I shift, pain slicing through my right side just below my rib cage. Killian lies a few meters down the road, barely moving, his bike on its side in a ditch on the opposite side of the road.
“Killian!” I rip off my helmet and push to my feet, wincing from the pain shooting through my ankle as I rush to his side.
I drop to my knees, reaching for his neck where I check for a pulse, relieved to find it strong and steady.
“Killian?”
“Kaia,” he groans, reaching out his hand to me.
I take his hand in mine. “Does anywhere hurt?”
“R—Ribs,” he replies breathlessly.
“I’m okay, we’re both going to be okay.”
I’m about to reach for my phone to call for an ambulance, but a truck approaches in the distance and I push to stand, flagging them down. As they near, I recognise the Lawson’s garage logo painted onto the side.
Beau pulls the tow-truck off onto the side of the road and jumps out. “Kaia?”
“Beau! It’s Killian! Hurry!”
Beau breaks into a run behind me as we reach Killian.
“What the fuck happened?”
“A van ran us off the road.”
Beau unclips Killian’s helmet and gently pulls it off. “You okay, man?” Killian doesn’t respond. “Fuck. We need to get him to the hospital. Help me get him into the truck.”
“Should we move him?” I ask. “He might’ve broken something.”
“It’ll be quicker than waiting for an ambulance. Come on.”
The shoulder I landed on screams in pain as Beau and I lift Killian, taking his weight around our shoulders as we stumble towards the truck.
Once we’ve got him inside, Beau floors it to the hospital, passing by my car left abandoned on the side of the road.
I press a kiss to Killian’s forehead as his head rests on my shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, I’m here.”