Chapter 54
Chapter Fifty-Four
Noah
Her eyes ghost over with a look that will haunt me for the rest of my life. My heart breaks right along with hers, as I tell her what I’ve been putting off for a while now.
My throat goes dry as I stare into her blue eyes. I swallow back the tears that threaten to break free and try to think of something to say. Something to leave her with.
But staring at her, like she is now, perfect and beautiful and a dream I will never experience again - words seem pointless.
There is nothing I can say to erase all we have been through.
There is nothing I can tell her that will stop the restless nights ahead.
All there is left to do is leave, and like a coward, I turn to walk away.
“Stop,” Eva yells. I oblige, but I don’t turn around. I keep my stare focused on the kids running around the playground. On their carefree lives with their futures still ahead of them and wonder how I will ever pick up the pieces of my own.
“You don’t get to walk away,” she cries. “Not this time. Not again. I won’t let you get the satisfaction of the last word.”
She rounds my side and stands in front of me.
A fiery defense sets in her posture, but I keep my eyes trained ahead.
Ahead to a future without her, because damn it, I can’t let myself look back.
I can’t let myself stare into her eyes and wonder if we can make this work.
If somehow, just maybe, there might be a chance.
“Noah, damn it, look at me,” she cries. My face hardens right along with my heart. I can’t look at her and all she is willing to give up. All she is willing to give me, so we can make a try at this.
“You don’t get to do this, not again,” she screams which makes people stop and look, including Jolene who doesn’t look away like the rest, but stays trained on the situation unfolding in front of her.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “It is not your decision to make, Eva.”
“Oh, so I don’t get a choice?” she yells. “I don’t get a say? You seem to have a shitty habit of knowing what I want. Of thinking you know what is best for me and making my decisions for my life. I’m a grown-ass woman Noah, and I can decide on my own.”
I shake my head. She doesn’t understand.
She doesn’t see. Staying with me is no life for her.
Taking care of a child that is not her own, dealing with a mother like Becky, giving up her dreams, and staying in a little town in Kentucky when she was made for the lights of the city, is not the future I wanted to give her.
She was made for the ocean, and I was made for the country - ain’t no shame in that.
She needs to go home where she belongs. Finally, after all we’ve been through, I can accept that.
“If you stay,” I begin to say very sternly.
“You will only grow to hate me. I am tied to this place, Eva. Tied to a future I didn’t know when I met you.
You need to be free, free to go wherever your life takes you, turns you, spins you until you make all you ever wanted come true. You won’t be free with me.”
“You’re all I ever wanted,” she cries.
I close my eyes as they well over with emotion.
Emotion I won’t let her see. Emotion only fit for late nights with a bottle of whiskey as my only comfort.
Not now, not when it is taking all of my strength to not break and see the promise she is making me.
The words I hoped she’d say but know I can’t accept.
“I have to let you go,” I whisper. “You can’t stay here.”
“Don’t tell me what I need to do, you stubborn ass,” she thunders back which makes me stiffen.
Hardened by her words, I take a deep breath before turning to look her in the eyes. Knowing she won’t go, I take a moment, drown in her one more time before telling the biggest lie of my life, hopeful it sends her packing and ends this tug of war we’ve been fighting forever.
“I’ve asked Becky to marry me.” Her face fills with horror. “She said yes. I’m meeting her at city hall. It’s time we said Goodbye, Eva. I can’t give you the life you deserve. My life is no longer mine to give. It belongs to my son. I’m sorry.”
I begin to walk away, but stop. Desperation takes over. A need to feel her once more. Turning around, I grab her forcibly and pull her against me.
Love, sadness, defiance stares back at me. But I have to do this. I have to taste her one last time. I have to remember the way she felt in my arms, the way her body fit perfectly against me.
“Don’t do this,” she pleads.
My free hand reaches up and grabs the back of her neck. Gently I pull her closer. Breathing her in for the last time, my eyes memorize every inch of her face.
Kissing her slowly, she opens up for me beautifully. Sensual at first, our lips dance against each other like a promise, a future that we both know doesn’t exist anymore.
She moans as arousal takes over, and the world around us becomes non-existent.
Punishingly, violently, our tongues begin to caress each other. Our teeth clash and nip at each other’s lips as we attempt to erase the past, present and fearful moments ahead. Grabbing her hair, I tug slightly needing a release. Not knowing how to break free, and never wanting to.
The noises of the playground slowly intrude and bring me back to reality I am not ready to face.
To a world that will be empty once she is gone.
Breaking our embrace, I look her in the eyes one final time.
A world of unfinished promises hangs in them.
A lifetime of regret fills me. Kissing the top of her head, I release her.
Not saying a word, I turn and walk away. This time, she doesn’t stop me.