Chapter 53
Chapter Fifty-Three
Eva
“Momma, momma, watch me,” Anna May giggles as she swings on the monkey bars at the park.
It has been three and a half days since our run-in with Becky, and I still haven’t heard from Noah.
If it wasn’t for Jolene, I would have bought myself a one-way ticket for the West Coast and left a long time ago.
She has a persuasive way about her, and after some much-needed venting, screaming, and coaching, I reluctantly decided to stick around and wait.
We sit and watch Anna May swing from bar to bar and end with a finale of sorts as she enthusiastically jumps to the ground. Clapping, I smile as a little boy comes over and asks Anna May to play. They grin at each other and run off with a sort of secret to a hidden destination.
If only life were that easy. The innocence of a child, the ease at making friends, the ability to bounce back from every scrape, cut, and bruise like it never happened is breathtaking.
A few moments later, I catch a glimpse of the two of them poking their heads out around the corner of the play equipment to see if we are watching, which makes me snicker.
“I’m gonna have to keep my eye on that one,” Jolene says. “He’s always here, and always getting Anna May into mischief.”
Jolene stands and walks over to the two children.
Peeking her head around the corner, she scares them in a childish way before making them listen and setting some ground rules.
Both children smile and continue playing joyfully.
As Jolene comes back to sit down, I wonder how she’s done this all by herself. Not the mothering, but the parenting.
I am sure it is an instinct when you become a mother.
Something that’s born inside of you right alongside your child.
But the parenting, the adapting through the late nights, diapers, feedings, school days, parent meetings, early drop-offs and pickups, volunteering - and everything in between, that’s a lot to juggle for one person.
To go through all that on your own and raise a great child like Anna May has to be hard.
Hard doesn’t do it justice. Unfair, maybe.
But then I see the way Jolene devotes her life to her child, and regardless of the hard times or the unfair disadvantages, I know there is no other place she would want to be than loving her daughter and giving her the world.
“It’s worth it, you know,” Jolene says, almost as if she can read my thoughts when she sits back down beside me.
“Every day. Every morning and night, and even the hours in between. Any parent would give up their life for their own. Quietly, we all do everyday. That little girl was my savior. I’ll always give her everything I got. ”
The two children run off toward the slide.
They giggle at the top of the steps, whispering a secret to one another before Anna May sits down and pushes off.
Her hair is a mess, her pants are dirty from the rain and mud.
She smiles brighter than I have ever seen a child smile as the wind hits her face on the way down the slide, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible to have the same feeling even when you don’t birth the child.
If this situation with Noah is true, could I love the baby as much as Jolene says you do? Could I have the same desire to hold, protect and lay down my life for a child I have never met? But then again, what if Noah doesn’t want me to?
“Do you ever wonder how it will be when you fall for someone again?” I ask Jolene. “How that will work with Anna May?”
I turn to look at Jolene. Her face hardens.
Her brow furrows as she sits there deep in thought watching her daughter play.
Picking her words carefully, she says, “We have a long road ahead of us, Eva. I’m not a stupid woman, I know this changes a lot of things.
But it doesn’t change everything. Life goes on.
I don’t know if I can answer your question, because that is not a step I am ready for right now, and maybe won’t be for a very long time.
But when I am, when it is right, I’ll know. ”
I hang my head low and look at my hands. Wringing them together a little, my heart breaks not knowing where I stand, where I am going, and what is to become of my future.
“Men are stubborn,” she says, nudging my shoulder.
“They need time to think and process. Like when I got pregnant with Anna May. We both cried. But mine were tears of joy. Sure I was scared, but I had never been happier, too. Her father, though. He was scared and felt like his life was over. His freedom was gone. Sure he came around eventually, but that took time. Noah needs some time - and that’s okay. ”
I breathe deep and will the eerie feeling in the pit of my soul to go away. The feeling that she’s wrong, oh boy is she wrong - and it’s only a matter of time before we both know it.
A figure appears across the park and starts walking toward us.
I could spot that walk anywhere - and in his uniform, there is only one man it could be.
I sit up a little straighter as he comes closer.
The butterflies in my stomach take over my rational thoughts and I am not sure if I am about to throw up, pass out or make a fool of myself.
Anna May runs to her uncle, and he swings her up in his arms. Kissing her cheek, he continues to walk toward us. My heart melts and breaks at the sight of her in his arms. At the knowledge of what a good father he will be, and I may never be around to witness it.
Once the pair are a few steps within reach, Anna May says, “Momma, Uncle Noah said he was gonna take me for ice cream. Can I go, Momma?”
Jolene rolls her eyes just as the two of them come to a stop in front of us. Noah sets Anna May down at her mother’s feet. Looking into her daughter’s eyes, Jolene says, “You tell your uncle, your momma has already told him not to spoil your dinner two times this week.”
Anna May rolls her eyes right back. She’s a kid after my own heart, and I can’t help but laugh a little. Turning back around, Anna May sticks out her finger. “Uncle Noah, don’t spoil my dinner.” She takes off running, but turns around once to yell, “But I won’t tell if you don’t.”
I try and hide my snicker, as Jolene rises and walks off to scold her daughter.
Looking up, I see concern written all over Noah’s face.
He doesn’t smile. Just stares desperately into my eyes.
He’s here, and yet he isn’t. I have to remind myself to breathe as the weight of what he came here to say hangs in the air around us.
“Can we talk?” he asks, his voice breaking slightly.
I nod and rise. He gestures to a park bench a little out of sight and out of earshot from Jolene.
I begin the torturous walk towards the bench, hoping he will just spill it.
I want to fast forward. To get to the finish.
To where the pieces of everything get put back together again and we can move on, finally.
I reach the bench, and slowly take a seat. Noah stays standing. He looks off into the distance. A distance that mirrors the look in his eyes. A distance I am not sure I can cross if he won’t let me.
When he doesn’t speak, I reluctantly start rambling as my nerves take over. “I went by the newspaper the other day. Have you met Mary? She’s so sweet. I stopped by there again today to talk to her about a few things.”
Still nothing. Noah stands like a mute statue. A stone I am not sure I can break, even if I try.
“I never told you. It all kind of happened so fast, and then the other night..” I stop talking and watch as Noah’s face grows worrisome. “Well anyways, they offered me a job…”
Noah’s attention snaps quickly to mine. A hardened reluctance hangs in his eyes.
“Anyways,” I swallow hard. “I stopped by today to tell her I’d take it.
They want me to start right away. I mean I can’t do that, I still have to put in some time back home, and then there is a move across the country.
I was kinda hoping you could help me with that since you’ve been down that road before. ”
I laugh, but Noah doesn’t. I take a deep breath and stare off at the playground behind Noah. At Anna May and Jolene. At a life I always wanted but never knew I did, until now.
“You can’t take that job,” Noah whispers after a moment. My eyes lock on his.
A little nervous, I shrug and continue. “Dreams change. People change. I am a writer, Noah. I can write anywhere. But I can’t…”
“The baby is mine, Eva!”
I don’t breathe. My eyes grow wide. When he turns to look at me, I see tears in his eyes. An emptiness and sadness stares back at me that I’m not sure will ever be erased.
“He’s mine, darlin’,” he repeats sadly. “Fuck, it’s going to kill me, but I’m going to have to let you go.”