Chapter 18
As if his limbs were made of brittle glass, Pyxlevir gently eased himself onto the floor as the front door closed behind Gramlithyn.
If Pyxlevir had to use a single word to describe his life in the past six years, he’d go with a word like purgatory.
He’d been stuck in a horrid limbo as he quietly waited for his mate to get his act together.
Nightmares had plagued him, and he’d spent countless hours imagining how he’d tackle the Herculean task of convincing Gramlithyn they had a future.
The one thing Pyxlevir had refused to consider was the possibility that Gramlithyn had ever wanted a matebond.
Which made him feel like a fool. A heartless one who’d hurt his best friend each time he’d opened his stupid mouth and romanticized a future with some faceless shifter.
The worst part was that his words weren’t based in reality.
Or at least not until Gramlithyn kept insisting he wanted anything but his other half.
Pyxlevir had had to consider possibilities to avoid being crushed by disappointment.
It was probably telling that Pyxlevir’s brain had always insisted on a matebond with someone who shared their soul with a beast. As if he’d known on some elemental level that Gramlithyn would be tied to him someday.
But Pyxlevir had been clueless, and he’d tucked away his dreams of being with Gramlithyn long before Fate had made her decision.
He wrapped his arms around his legs and lowered his head.
Although years had passed since Pyxlevir had shared a heartfelt conversation with Gramlithyn, he didn’t doubt the hybrid’s sincerity.
His tears had stood out as they’d slid down his cheeks in the bright light of the kitchen.
Gramlithyn’s voice had trembled with emotion, and he’d run out of the apartment as if the hounds of hell were chasing him.
Thanks to Fate.
The goddess responsible for pairing people had chosen Pyxlevir and Gramlithyn for each other, but they’d both suffered for it.
Perhaps that was inevitable. They’d been children desperate to protect their own hearts.
Pyxlevir hated that for them, but their past was inescapable.
What mattered now was the future. Gramlithyn hadn’t run because he feared commitment or wanted to go on some endless adventure.
The fool had assumed that Pyxlevir’s shock was rejection.
Although Pyxlevir wanted to slap him for running away instead of confronting him, he understood. Pyxlevir had experienced the misery of losing his mate, and it still stung like a knife to the chest. But Gramlithyn’s courage in the kitchen changed the landscape for their future.
And that was all that fucking mattered to Pyxlevir. Wounds could heal. The close bond of friendship they’d once enjoyed didn’t need to be consigned forever to the past. But Pyxlevir couldn’t fix anything alone, and he was tired of waiting for some miracle to occur.
So, Pyxlevir picked himself off the floor, both literally and figuratively. He brushed away specks of dirt that clung to his race car pajamas and went into the living room. Switching on the television, he curled up on the sofa and waited for Gramlithyn to return.
By the time the front door opened, the movie he’d selected was nearly over.
Pyxlevir hit the button on the remote to turn it off and wasn’t surprised when Gramlithyn headed straight into the kitchen.
The hybrid had already shifted earlier that evening and likely needed to recoup his missing protein.
Pyxlevir padded toward the island, and Gramlithyn caught his eye.
“What are you still doing up?” Gramlithyn asked as he dragged a container of strawberries out of the refrigerator.
“We should talk.”
Gramlithyn plucked a tub of protein powder out of a cabinet and scooped a healthy amount into his strawberries. “It’s late, Pyxlevir. We should both get some sleep.”
“Probably, but I think it’s better if we clear the air first before we head to bed.”
His dark eyes filled with sorrow, Gramlithyn chewed his snack and sagged against the counter. “Okay, get whatever you need off your chest.”
Pyxlevir sucked in a deep breath and gathered every ounce of courage he possessed.
“When we were little, I used to dream about being your mate. I thought because we were best friends, we’d be incredible together.
But I was a silly boy protecting his heart, so I never said those words aloud.
Then you told all and sundry that you were actively begging Fate to leave you be.
It tore me apart, so I tucked away my fantasies and resigned myself to a different reality.
One where I’d have to accept that we’d both be with other people someday.
I was determined to keep you in my life, no matter what.
On my eighteenth birthday, I panicked. I couldn’t enjoy Fate’s surprise because I was terrified.
That’s what you saw on my face that morning. ”
“What?” Gramlithyn asked, his arm frozen halfway to his lips with a strawberry still in his fingers.
“I figured you were pissed at Fate or something like that. But I didn’t have a chance to plan how to remedy the situation because you were going on some stupid camping trip.
Something you knew I’d hate to do. A couple of months later, you announced you weren’t coming back, and you didn’t want to talk about our matebond at all.
That was the last time we spoke until you returned to Vegas. ”
“Rewind,” Gramlithyn demanded, his gaze narrowing as he set the fruit aside. “You dreamed about what?”
“Eat your damn food, your zebra needs protein. You heard me. It’s too quiet in here to miss the words, but I’ll repeat them anyway.
I wanted a future with you. Since you were brave enough to finally clue me in on your feelings, I thought it was necessary for us both to face reality before trying to sleep.
I was a kid who wanted a future with my best friend, but I tucked it away in a box and convinced myself it didn’t matter.
That I was somehow over it because that was what I needed to believe.
The scariest damn thing to me was a future without you in it, so I pretended I was happy to be your friend.
It was a lie. However, finding out you were my mate wasn’t a relief.
It couldn’t be. You didn’t want that. You made that clear. ”
Gramlithyn ran his hands down his face. “Fuck.”
“This isn’t easy for me,” Pyxlevir said, his fingers curling into fists as he fought to keep his tears at bay.
“It’s scary saying this shit out loud. You’ve already hurt me.
I’ve been bleeding out for the past six years.
But what I really need you to do right now is take care of yourself, so eat the fucking strawberries, will you? ”
“I’m okay, Pyx,” Gramlithyn replied softly, but it pleased Pyxlevir immensely when the stubborn hybrid picked up his container and popped a strawberry into his mouth.
His brown eyes were bright with shock and something else Pyxlevir couldn’t pinpoint.
Too much distance sat between them for Pyxlevir to be privy to his emotions, and each time that thought popped into the elf’s mind, he swore another tiny crack split across his heart.
“Humor me and keep eating,” Pyxlevir said. “Don’t talk. Just nod your head if you understand what I’m telling you.”
After a thick swallow, Gramlithyn bobbed his head.
“I’ll never forget that day or the grief that filled me as my body went haywire with the knowledge that Fate had paired us.”
“You cried,” Gramlithyn remarked, then popped another strawberry into his mouth. Pyxlevir was thrilled to note he’d already nearly emptied the container. It soothed his soul to know Gramlithyn was caring both for himself and his beast by filling himself with necessary nutrients.
“Of course I did, you weren’t happy. We were too close for me not to notice that. I understood why. Or thought I did.”
“I didn’t think I could ever be what you wanted.”
“At least I finally know why you were accusing me of not liking zebras or whatever stupid shit you said to me the day we talked and you told me you weren’t coming home,” Pyxlevir muttered.
“For Fate’s sake, I literally wore zebra beads in my hair for twelve years.
You were gone, and I was so angry at you, but I still cried myself to sleep the night I had my dad switch to different ones.
It was too painful to see them in my hair every time I looked in the mirror.
The last thing I needed was another reminder that you were gone, and I didn’t know when or if you were coming back. ”
“I’m sorry, Pyx, I couldn’t stay. The last thing I’ve ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I thought on some level you’d appreciate me being far away.”
“But if you’d talked to me like you are right now, we…well, we wouldn’t be standing in this kitchen right now as strangers.”
“What do we do now?”
“What do you want, Gramlithyn?”
The hybrid shook his head. “I’m not answering that question.
Or at least not first. Six years ago, I walked away without having an adult conversation with you.
I took our friendship for granted by assuming I knew what you wanted without giving you a chance to voice your opinion.
I won’t make that mistake again. You agreed to move in here and uprooted your life on the basis that the route best for us was likely separation papers.
Although we agreed to keep our options open, I wasn’t kind to you and I wasn’t fair.
So, tell me what you want. Is there any space left for me in your life, or would you prefer to muddle our way through the next eleven months or whatever it is, then dissolve our relationship once we’ve honored the law? ”
The question was so weighty, Pyxlevir swore it hung in the charged air between him and Gramlithyn.
But it was surprisingly easy to answer. Despite what they’d endured and the foolish choices Gramlithyn had made, Pyxlevir refused to throw away their chance to find out if Fate was right.
No one was perfect, and Pyxlevir could’ve forced the issue.
One word to a sentinel and he could’ve tracked Gramlithyn down to demand they stop ignoring elven traditions.
But Pyxlevir had refused because he’d been protecting his heart.
And perhaps on some level he’d wanted Gramlithyn to stride in someday to confess he’d been wrong all along.
A lovely fantasy, and one that had somehow come true.
Pyxlevir found a smile.
“I would like to be your friend again,” Pyxlevir said. “We were close, but six years have passed. Important, formative ones. Fate chose us, but are we still compatible? Were we ever? I’d like to find out.”
Gramlithyn’s eyes were damp, but he grinned.
“I was really hoping you’d say that. My zebra is literally dancing in my head right now.
I’m sorry I hurt you. You have no reason to trust me, but I promise not to make another important decision without you.
If you’re willing to try this with me, then I’ll do my part to be open and honest.”
“Good, because not everything about me has changed, and I remain in the highest tier of pests.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m hoping I can find a lot of similarities between the Pyxlevir I knew and the elf you are today.”
“I get it, I loved being your best friend. As long as we’re being honest, it was odd seeing you again.
In my mind, you were the boy I last saw.
Now your appearance reflects that of a shifter instead of an elf.
But I like it,” Pyxlevir confided. His knees were shaky, and his heartbeat was far too fast, but a sense of rightness was settling into his soul.
“The hair. The clothes. Your tattoos. Even the earrings. It all suits you.”
“Thanks, you look different too.”
Pyxlevir lifted an eyebrow. “What? No, I don’t.”
“You don’t have to believe me, but you’re more beautiful than the day I left.”
Heat rushed to Pyxlevir’s cheeks, and he shook his head in denial. “If you say so. Are you sure you had enough to eat?”
“I promise I’m fine.”
“Okay, good,” Pyxlevir said. It was late, and they’d unexpectedly bared beyond what he could’ve imagined a few hours earlier. He was exhausted and needed space to process everything he’d learned. “I think I’m gonna head to bed.”
“Good idea, I need to do the same. Pyx?”
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, thanks for tonight.
I don’t think I’ve wrapped my head around all of this yet, but I’m grateful to you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t braver and for being careless with your feelings.
My decision to leave was selfish, and all I could do was run.
I thought I could escape my feelings. I was wrong and I hurt you.
You owe me nothing, despite what Fate thinks.
You deserve the world and a mate who puts you first. I hope I can be that man. ”
Before Pyxlevir could find his tongue, Gramlithyn rushed out of the kitchen. It was probably for the best. Pyxlevir was exhausted but touched by Gramlithyn’s words. His step lighter than it’d been since his eighteenth birthday, Pyxlevir headed for bed.