Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jackson
D amn. I felt like shit before now, but the way she’s all closed off is almost frightening. I try to take her hand, but she pulls away, like she doesn’t want anything to do with me. Anxiety tightens my chest, making it hard to breathe.
The simple apology I’d planned while I waited for her and Kate to show up isn’t going to be enough to ease any of her pain. The heartbreak I’ve put her through is written all over her face, in the coldness she’s emanating. Hell, she’ll barely even look at me.
I let her question roll through me. What am I sorry for?
“Everything.”
She huffs a little and shakes her head. I’m losing, and I haven’t really even started.
Seconds pass by like hours, and she shifts like she’s going to get up.
“Wait. Please,” I beg. “I’m trying to find the right words.”
I shift off my knees, wishing I could take her hand. This would be so much easier if she’d just let me touch her. Without her, everything feels in limbo. She’s stable; she grounds me.
“I should’ve told you the minute I realized you knew T.J.
” That stops her and has that cold gaze interested in me now.
It bolsters me enough to keep going. “I was afraid if I told you, if I brought up the night he died, you’d hate me, and we’d just shared the best night of my life.
I didn’t want to ruin it. And then that stupid video at the reunion brought everything back, and I just couldn’t face it.
I figured once you knew the truth, you’d hate me anyway, so I just… ran.”
Around us, birds are chirping and squirrels are playing, like my whole world doesn’t hinge on this conversation.
In the pond behind us, a fish jumps, the splash of water making us both flinch.
I shift around to look, putting me closer to her, both of us facing the water now.
Our shoulders are brushing, and I’m that much closer to touching her in earnest, so I soak in as much of her warmth as possible. “But I don’t want to run anymore.”
As soon as I say the words, I realize what it’s going to take to get her to really understand.
I drop my arm over a propped knee. I’m facing the water, but instead of seeing the small pond in the bright sunlight, I’m taken back to that night.
To a clandestine teenage gathering. To midnight waters and teenage voices.
To another splash that should have been just the same as the others but was somehow different.
“T.J. was worried about jumping that night. We’d been friends ever since he helped tutor me at the beginning of our senior year.
I was this dumb jock, and he was this genius kid.
I respected him. He was smart enough to get into the top schools, but all he ever talked about was this dream of being a firefighter. ”
I pluck a blade of grass and run it through my fingers. I haven’t faced any of this in a decade, don’t want to open up now, but I want Maggie in my life more than I want to hold this secret.
“He was nervous but wanted to make the jump. I told him I’d wait for him at the bottom and assured him he’d be fine. But he wasn’t.” Fuck, but it hurts to own this reality. My throat grows uncomfortably tight, and it’s fucking hard to breathe.
Maggie shifts beside me, her shoulder leaning ever so slightly into mine. Lending me her strength even when I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her. But she hasn’t left me sitting here alone, and it’s enough to keep going.
“I pulled him out of that water, but I was too late.” I swallow thickly.
My body remembers every second of that night.
The frigid water. Hands clamping around a limp arm.
Hauling him up that embankment took every ounce of strength I’d possessed.
The way he didn’t respond to CPR, even though I’d kept trying until an ambulance arrived.
“He’d broken his neck in the fall, had to have landed exactly right or some shit.
But I tried so fucking hard to save him.
People were screaming, but I didn’t stop until the medics pulled me off him.
” Jesus Christ, my eyes are watering, and my voice is wobbling so badly it’s a wonder if she can understand a word I’m saying. I have to clear my throat to continue.
“Anyway, I’d had no plans of my own, really. My grades were shit, so college wasn’t an option. The only reason I would’ve gone was to play ball. But after T.J. died, I decided that since he couldn’t follow his dream, I owed it to him to follow his. ”
The hurt and guilt I’ve run from for a decade slam into me. I half expect Maggie to run away screaming. Hell, if I were her, I would.
“That’s why you became a firefighter?”
I can only nod, because suddenly my throat has closed off entirely. I can barely breathe. But she’s talking to me again, so I need to keep going.
“At first, yes. I fell in love with the job, but I couldn’t forget the vow I made to myself.
I wish like hell that I could go back in time and change things.
I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t save him.
If I’d been able to, your life would’ve been so different.
Hell, maybe you’d be married with kids and a house, picket fence and all that.
” That mental image doesn’t sit right with me either, but nothing I’m saying makes any sense.
I’m lost in a swirl of emotion, ripped open and shredded and waiting for her to blame me like I deserve.
I can’t make heads or tails of anything besides Maggie. She’s my gravity.
“Or…” She plucks the mangled blade of grass from my fingers and smooths it flat.
“Maybe he would’ve left and chased his dream of being a wildland firefighter, and I would’ve been an unhappy corporate attorney.
” Silence falls between us, the forest sounds returning, soothing the raw edges of my soul after that confession.
“Jax, you can’t live by what-ifs.” Her voice is quiet but certain, and I draw strength from it.
“I feel like that’s what my whole life has been since he died,” I whisper, but she doesn’t respond. Shit. I’ve gotten all the way off track of where I wanted this conversation to go. Something else I need to share with her.
“I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you all of this sooner. I’m sorry I wasn’t man enough to stick around when reality reared. I’m sorry I ran instead of explaining my version of that night.”
The blade of grass slips through her fingers, now flattened, but the edges I’d been picking are smoothed and appear less frayed. Just how she soothes me.
She glances at me, a question in her gaze. Oh, I said that out loud.
“Just like you’ve smoothed out that rough blade, you have the same effect on me.
Smoothing my edges, helping me work through the rough shifts just by being yourself.
Always there, the one foundation I could count on.
The soft place to land when I needed it.
It was inevitable that I’d fall in love with you.
I was just too reckless and foolish to realize it until it was too late. I’m so sorry for leaving like I did.”
Her fingers grow still on the blade, and I feel the shift, the sudden loss of her arm touching mine as she turns to face me. My whole foundation has been cracked wide open, so much that I can’t keep anything inside.
“What did you say?”
Her words come out so softly spoken they barely register.
Moving slowly, giving her time to pull away, I take a chance that she won’t slap me, and cup her beautiful cheek. “I’m so sorry for leaving you.”
“Not that, the other part.”
I brush a thumb over her cheek, wanting to taste those perfect lips, her perfect skin. “I love you, Mags.”
Tears well in her eyes, and her lips part on the tiniest gasp.
The effect draws me closer until we are sharing a breath.
Could this be real? Does this mean she forgives me?
Is she letting me back in? My every heartbeat hinges on how she replies.
But she’s not responding as I try to lean closer.
If I could just kiss her, things would be okay .
Delicate fingers press against my chest, halting me. “Oh, you’re so good. So smooth, you almost had me.” To my horror, she stands, brushing off her pants as she straightens. I jump to my feet as she gathers her pack. Fuck, this isn’t how this was supposed to go down at all.
“Thank you for the lovely snack. Thank you for explaining things. But now I need a little space.”
She’s slipping the straps on, straightening her ponytail, and avoiding my gaze once more. “I know it was hard for you to tell me about that night. And I appreciate the effort you’ve made. But I’m going to head back and catch up with Kate.”
She’s leaving? After all that, me laying my heart bare, she’s leaving? Deep, dark, intense terror washes through me. This can’t be happening.
“Mags…”
Another hand to my chest halts me from crowding her again. “Please.”
Her soft command makes me freeze. Shatters my heart into a million pieces. What the hell do I do?
“Please understand. While you’ve been gone, I’ve had to pick myself up.
Keep going, when all I wanted to do was stay in bed, wondering why I wasn’t enough to make you want to stay or even talk to me.
And then after my mom and sister came in, I realized I don’t need that validation. I am enough just as I am.”
“Mags, please. I’m so fucking sorry. Please give me, give us, a chance.
You’re absolutely right that you are more than enough all on your own.
I just want to be in your orbit. You ground me.
This isn’t about you being or not being enough, this is me telling you that I love you, I want you.
I need you.” The words tumble out, torn straight from my soul.
She cups my cheek, rises on her tiptoes, and presses a kiss to my cheek, then spins away. I watch her back endlessly, noting the way she wipes her cheeks as she steps from the field back onto the trail.
I stare in stunned silence as her steps pick up, until she’s running away from me.
Fear slices through me. She’s not a trail runner.
What if she trips and falls or hurts herself?
Mindlessly, I shove the entirety of the picnic into my backpack and sprint after her, almost tripping myself as I struggle to secure the load.
I race until the trail becomes narrower and more treacherous, but I never catch even a glimpse of her.
“Did I miss a turn?” I mutter as I glance at a trail marker and realize it’s a different blaze than what I’d been on.
Idiot .
I’ve been running away from her instead of toward her. Just like I did before.
Never again. I will wait until she’s ready. But I will not run from her again, and I won’t let her run from me. What we have is worth fighting for.
I retrace my steps and veer onto the correct trail, then sprint along the now familiar path. When I burst past the tree line, the parking lot comes into view.
There, propped against the bumper of my Jeep, with her pack at her feet, is the most beautiful sight. Maggie, tear-streaked face, hair a riot around her head, sweat-soaked shirt and all.
My heart racing, not just from the sprint back, I run over to her as hope wars with concern. “Are you okay?”
Her hands fly up to her face as she slumps in on herself, and a sob escapes.
I drop the pack at her feet and wrap her in my arms. Fingers clutch at my sweaty shirt, and I tighten my hold on her.
I’d hold her forever, wipe away every single one of her tears, and make sure she never cries over me again, if she’ll just let me back into her life.
“You’re so stupid,” she says into my chest. The words are muffled but still deliver the hit.
“I know,” I whisper against her hair, feeling the admission deep in my bones.
“You wrecked me.”
“I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks on the word. She’s killing me, but it’s no less than I deserve.
Her fingers release, and her arms snake up around me as she buries her face in my neck. “But I love you too.” The soft, broken whisper nearly takes me to my knees, and I clutch her tighter as the moisture in my eyes finally spills over.
I don’t know how long we stand in the parking lot, just holding each other. I’d stand with her until I have no more strength to give. I’d rip my soul open again, just to feel the sweet relief of having her in my arms again.
Finally, her sobs quiet and my tears ease off. She eventually pulls back, and my heart plummets. I’m not ready to let her go.
But she cups my cheek and presses a kiss to my lips. Right out in public. Where anyone can see us. And finally, relief floods my veins. Angling my head, I seal my lips to hers, and when she opens for me, my soul sighs at the soft caress of her tongue stroking mine.
I drop my hands to her hips and back her into the Jeep because I need more. I want to fuse with her, never leave her side. She took all of my dark and ugly truth, and she still loves me despite it.
The car next to us beeps as the doors unlock, startling us from our impromptu make-out session. I brush an errant curl from her forehead, lingering on the soft look she’s giving me. Finally feeling like I’m getting back on solid ground.
Maggie pulls away and bends to grab her pack. “Mind giving me a ride home?”
Reluctantly, I pop the back door open to stow our packs. I’m scared of what might happen once we leave this place. “Mind if I stay awhile?” I give her a wink to try to get us out of the deep.
It might appear playful, but my heart is in my throat when she answers, “For how long?”
It’s a loaded question, and we both know it.
I lift a shoulder and cling to the hope that things can still be right between us, that I can say whatever I feel, and she’ll stick by me. “I dunno. For dinner? Or maybe forever?”
She drops her gaze to her feet, but I can see the soft smile playing about her lips. Hell yeah. Fucking score.
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” she says as she rounds the side of the Jeep and climbs in.
Relief is heady and sweet as I join her in the cab. “Buckle up, princess. This is gonna be one helluva ride. Oh yeah, and snacks are in the door pocket.”