Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Maggie
“ T hanks for choosing this trail.” Each of my words are punctuated with a breath.
I’m being facetious, because this trail has been a lot harder than Kate or I expected.
It’s located in a state park and has miles and miles of semi-groomed trail system winding through dense pine trees.
It’s in need of some major trail maintenance and too populated for my tastes, if I’m truthful, but it’s close enough to home to be a quick side trip on the days when a long drive to the mountains isn’t feasible.
“I’ve been wanting to try it for a while,” I tell her.
“But other than that portion by the river, there aren’t really great views anywhere, so it always got pushed down the list when Jackson and I would make plans.
I always felt like it wasn’t enough for him.
I’m kind of proud to know it’s this tough and we’ve survived it. ”
At least I said his name without a quiver in my voice this time.
For the last two days, I’ve woken up with a funny meme text waiting for me.
I haven’t answered, just closed out of my text messages with a hollow feeling in my gut.
Funny texts won’t undo how he ran out that night, even though I miss him and want to talk to him.
I hate being worried sick about him and can’t stop myself from obsessing over whether he’s okay.
“Huh, that’s ironic. He’s the one who suggested it.”
That stops me in my tracks. “You talked to him?” I don’t know how I feel about that.
Jealous? But at the same time, encouraged, because he’s at least talking to someone from here, so maybe he hasn’t forgotten us altogether?
I haven’t been able to make myself ask Alice about him the few times we’ve chatted.
“Yeah.” She trudges forward, and I’m forced to follow. I want to ask if he mentioned me, but that feels pathetic.
Still, I can’t help but ask, “Is he okay?”
“Meh, define okay. He’s still a stupid idiot. I don’t think he likes that program as much as he thought he would.”
The petty part of me pipes up in a cheer to hear he’s not happy with his choice.
But the larger part of me, the part that still cares too much for my friend, hates that it’s not what he thought it would be.
I choose to side with pettiness in the moment, though, as I stand back while Kate climbs over a log that’s fallen across the trail.
She waits for me on the other side, glancing back to make sure I clear it without trouble. “Have you heard from him?”
“Not really,” I huff, hoisting myself to the top, then check for snakes out of habit before jumping down the other side.
A year or so ago, I would’ve found a less challenging route over, but miles and miles on the trail make me feel like an old pro.
Even if I still check for snakes when Kate doesn’t.
She resumes leading us up a rather steep hill with roughhewn logs that act as steps up the slope. A thick blanket of leaves and pine straw cover the ground, and the air is humid. There’s nothing to look at but the back of her shoes as we continue up the hill.
“I mean, he’s sent me some funny messages like he used to do. I guess it’s his way of reaching out. But I didn’t answer.”
“Why not? You don’t want to talk to him?”
Do I miss him with every fiber of my being? Yes. I miss talking to him and the way he made every day fun. The way he challenged me to be my best, pushed me out of my comfort zone, and was always there to celebrate the wins and losses with me.
But I don’t want to go back to the way things were. We were more than friends. There were real feelings involved. At least, I had real feelings. I’d known he was leaving and still couldn’t hold back my foolish heart. Alice would’ve ultimately given us her blessing.
“I don’t want to respond like everything is okay,” I admit.
Just seeing his name hurts, and I’m torn between wanting to talk to him and wishing things between us had never been ruined in the first place.
It’s better to cling to the mad out of self-preservation.
“He’d just take it and run with it and gloss over the real issues.
I just can’t get past how he left. I’ve gone from angry to sad and every emotion in between. ”
Head down, I count my breaths as I climb the hill behind her. Lost in my haze of emotion, I plow into her when I don’t realize she’s stopped at the top of the hill. I grab her pack to keep her from face-planting.
“Oh my god, I’m sorry!”
She turns and grips my shoulders, looking me dead in the eye. “Okay, don’t hate me, but he asked me to help him arrange this.”
“What are you talking about?” Who is he ?
She studies my face for a heartbeat. I can’t get a good read on her expression, but the way her shoulders have inched up to her ears isn’t boding well.
Dread cascades down my spine.
With a chin lift, she indicates the other side of the trail. There’s a large grassy field that borders a small pond. On the far side, well away from the trail, there’s a blanket spread out over the grass. A guy unfolds and stands, taking a couple of steps toward us.
“Holy. Shit. Is that… Jackson?” I stutter. Seeing him has been so far out of the realm of possibility that my mind can’t wrap around the reality of him being here.
He comes closer, and Kate’s hands fall away from my shoulders as I woodenly turn to face him.
He looks thinner from this distance. Like he hasn’t been eating enough, or maybe he’s been overtraining.
His hair is longer, and as he draws near, there are definite bags under his eyes.
His face is drawn. He looks utterly exhausted, and yet, there’s a gleam in his eye as the corner of that stupidly attractive mouth quirks up.
“Hey, Mags.”
Before I can even control myself, my hand connects solidly with his cheek. Jackson grunts, and I gasp in horror at what I’ve done.
Behind me, Kate guffaws. “Damn. How’d that bitch slap feel, there, Kermie?”
Blue eyes trace my face like he’s seeing me for the first time. “I probably deserved that.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask. He’s so out of place in this simple field, on this simple trail. It’s nothing like the wild adventures we went on together. There’s no adrenaline rush, no epic… anything to it.
He sweeps a hand behind him, gesturing to the spread he’s laid out. “Hoping we can have a minute to talk?”
Ugly, cold aggravation washes through me. As much as I’ve missed him, I don’t really want to listen to whatever senseless bullshit is about to come out of his mouth. “It’s been weeks since I’ve heard from you. You left . Just tucked tail and ran.”
“I know, Mags?—”
I slice a hand through the air. “Do not call me that.”
The crunch of leaves from Kate taking a step behind me is loud in the silence that follows my outburst. “Um, I’m just going… over there.”
Jackson and I are locked in some kind of face-off as the crunch of her trail runners grows faint. I can’t look away, or he’ll win. If I let go of this hurt for even a second, I’ll lose the fight and throw myself into his arms, and he cannot get off that easy.
Something like remorse twists his handsome face. It’s an expression I don’t think I’ve ever seen on him. “Maggie, let me explain. I was a jerk that night, and I shouldn’t have left like I did, but I had a reason.”
The more he speaks, the angrier I get. “You can’t just waltz in here and expect me to be all happy and welcome you home when there’s literally been radio silence from you since you left.”
Pain twists his face tighter. Good. I want him to hurt. I want to know his heart aches just like mine has since the moment I found out he played me for a fool.
“Please,” he whispers. “Just sit with me for a while.”
What am I going to gain from hearing him out?
The concept of what’s-in-it-for-me is new, but since I’m being my own advocate in my business, why not with Jackson?
For a split second, I wonder why Kate would put me in this position, but it makes sense that she’s a friend to both of us, and obviously, she’s on his side if she’s gone to this length to set us up.
He can sweat for a few minutes while I consider my options, but I can’t think straight with him breathing down on me. And if he touches me, I’m a goner. Like he’s reading my damn mind, he reaches for me. Without a word, I spin on my heel to put some distance between us.
Kate hovers nearby, acting like she’s trying not to eavesdrop.
“What do I do?” I whisper when I reach her. She glances over my shoulder at Jackson, and I quell the urge to turn and see what he’s doing.
“He looks pretty miserable. Don’t you want to just hear him out?” She’s definitely on his side.
“No,” I whisper yell. “Well, maybe a little. Why would you do this to me?”
“First of all, you two have something special, but you’re both too stubborn to realize it. Second, he’s not himself, and I can’t kick a man when he’s down. I figure it can’t hurt to listen to what he has to say.”
My watery gaze meets hers. “Yes. It can. It already hurts just seeing him.”
Around us, birdsong echoes through the trees. Squirrels chirp from the branches overhead. The sun beats down from a bright blue, cloudless sky. Kate squeezes my hand in solidarity.
I can’t do this. I can’t be here. I’m about to announce as much and let Kate know I’ll meet her back at the trailhead when she says, “He’s been worried about this for days.
He’s coming back to town, and there’s a good chance he’ll get his old assignment because they haven’t replaced him yet.
Please, for my sake, give him five minutes.
If for no other reason than you’d be doing me a solid. ”
Exhaling in defeat, I allow my shoulders to slump. “Fine.”
“I’ll head on up the trail and will wait at the next blaze. If five minutes pass, I’ll head to the trailhead and wait for you at the car unless I hear otherwise.”
Gripping the straps of my pack, I turn to him.
With his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders rounded, it’s a far cry from the man who barreled down on me and took that first kiss.
Right now, he looks a little lost but is watching me with a hopeful eye.
It’s adorable and makes me want to go wrap him in a hug, even though I’m mad as hell at him.
Freaking irritating, this wanting him to suffer and to also provide him comfort at the same time.
“This’s really not fair,” I accuse. “How am I supposed to stay strong when faced with that ?”
Kate chuckles as she gives me the tiniest shove forward. “Good luck.”
The second I take a step toward him, relief washes over his face. Stealing myself against the desire to comfort him, I brush past him in total silence, headed toward his little makeshift picnic.
He’s put some effort into this. There’s a soft blanket to sit on, some fruit and cheese and crackers set out under a protective cover to keep bugs away.
“You, uh, want something cold to drink?” he offers hesitantly as I drop my pack and flop down onto the blanket.
I’m acting like a petulant child instead of the grown-ass woman I am.
Truth is, I’m just as uncomfortable as he is, and this passive-aggressive attitude isn’t doing either of us any favors.
“No thank you. What is it you want to say?” There. That ought to throw him for a loop. If I know Jackson, he’s going to sweet-talk around the problems he’s caused and then hightail it to some other new adventure. Despite Kate’s assurance that he’s back for good, I don’t trust it.
He takes a deep breath and drops to his knees, facing me. “I want to say that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Of course he is. It’s written all over his face. I cross my arms over my chest to bolster my strength. “What, exactly, are you sorry for?”
His jaw works, and I brace myself for the shortest apology in history.