Chapter 58 Conflicted Feelings
CONFLICTED FEELINGS
RAE
The next morning after we returned to Earth, Ezra told me I could bring whatever I wanted to Elyrdin. The tiisra stone could teleport people and objects alike.
I didn’t know what to bring or leave behind. They expected me to sort through years of accumulated stuff in under a week.
At least the council allowed this much. Small mercies and all that.
Zeke said their home was big enough, but the four of them lived together.
Adding my belongings to an already full house didn’t make sense, so the day before yesterday, I took photos and listed my furniture online as free to a good home. I set aside a few things I knew Maya would want—like my flatscreen.
I swapped the song on my playlist, letting the soothing sounds of “Zombie” by YUNGBLUD lead the soundtrack for packing my life away.
By chance, a local church reached out yesterday about a family who’d moved to town after losing everything. I didn’t know their story, but I knew of the church. They’d been helping the family settle with essentials.
The pastor said volunteers were available on my moving day to handle everything, and I was more than happy to donate my furniture and kitchen goods to help the family get back on their feet. I didn’t need it anyway.
I knew I couldn’t come back, not after what Quinfina said.
I wasn’t going because Cornaith had commanded it. With the illusion removed, it was only a matter of time before I attracted every lesser infernal that slipped through the veil.
I rubbed my tired eyes and tied my hair up to keep it out of my way.
I still didn’t understand why lesser infernals gravitated to me in the first place. It’s not like I called them or did anything to attract their attention.
Ash thought they acted out of curiosity. I wasn’t full-blooded Shyrlivi, and that alone might draw attention from any infernal who could sense it.
Ezra disagreed. He didn’t refute the curiosity angle, but he voiced his concerns about their hostility toward me.
If Shane told the truth, they acted on his directions. But I thought only the parking garage incident happened because of him. What about the funeral?
Zeke said my Nyrith status might be the cause. Ash and Ezra agreed being tied to the heirs painted a target on my back.
I tossed another half-empty foundation into the trash. I’d torn apart the bathroom and dresser, piling all my beauty products and essentials on the bed to sort.
Zeke promised I’d find most Earth things I wanted in Elyrdin, and if not, they’d get permission to come back for them.
I didn’t want to bother anyone with my superficial needs, but I didn’t want to bring too much either. If a bottle wasn’t at least half full, I tossed it and added it to the Stuff to Buy list.
I also set aside a box of lotions, candles, unopened makeup, and other nonessentials the family might enjoy.
I stood and stretched my arms over my head until my back popped.
“Ash has the dishes and kitchen shit packed away,” Cyn said, startling me so badly I jerked.
I dropped my arms and tugged down my tank top. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
His gaze raked over my arms and down my legs from the hem of my sleep shorts, lingering on every inch of exposed skin. I shifted from foot to foot, unable to hide what his heated stare did to me.
I hated that I wanted him and despised him in equal measure.
It seemed avoiding him for the last few days hadn’t lessened the feeling.
I cleared my throat. “What do you want?”
“Ash wants to know what you need him to do next.” Before I could question why Ash hadn’t come himself, he added, “I need to know what you want me to do, too.”
I blinked, taken aback he’d volunteer for anything.
I didn’t understand him.
He didn’t trust me. He acted like he hated me.
My hand went to my neck, his eyes tracking the move. He’d taken Mom’s necklace. I was still adjusting to life without it.
He closed the distance and lifted his hand, cuffing the front of my throat far gentler than he’d ever touched me, keeping me from looking away when I tried. His gaze dropped to his hand when I swallowed hard; he felt it.
“You’re afraid of me,” he whispered with an edge of something that sounded almost like disappointment. When I said nothing, his gaze latched onto mine. “Aren’t you?”
My eyebrows knitted, mirroring his natural scowl.
“The Hand That Feeds” by Nine Inch Nails started playing, and the connection to this moment almost made me laugh.
“I’m not afraid of you, Cyn.”
He glanced aside, still not letting go.
“Should I be?”
His amber eyes collided with mine. “What?”
“Should I be afraid of you? You told me you’d never hurt me unless I wanted you to.” I scoffed. “You lied.”
“How did I lie?”
I pushed forward into his hand, bringing my nose to his. “I don’t trust you either. I don’t accept you either.”
He released me, staggering back as if I’d slapped him.
“What?” I grabbed my phone and cut the music. “Did you think you could take the one thing that mattered to me most besides my grandma—who isn’t here anymore—and think I’d trust you after that?”
“I didn’t know,” he said, lip drawing back in a sneer. “None of us knew how your family got that stone.”
“You’re right.” I dropped my phone onto the bed. “But the others didn’t take it. They’d all touched it. They had the opportunity.”
He spun and slammed his fist into the wall, making me flinch. He didn’t use infernal strength, otherwise, there’d be a hole.
“I don’t know why you’re upset.” I crossed my arms, genuine confusion running through me. “You don’t want me. You don’t trust me, even if the necklace wasn’t some trick.”
“I never said—” He froze, looking away.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Fuck you, no. Say it.”
As much as he infuriated me, that little zap of awareness I felt when I stood up to him surged through me.
“I never said I didn’t want you.”
I couldn’t help it; I laughed until my stomach hurt.
“I didn’t!”
My amusement died when I realized his anger was genuine.
I shrugged. “Might as well have. And honestly? What does it matter?”
He paced, combat boots thudding on bare hardwood. “It matters,” he mumbled so low I wasn’t sure I was meant to hear it.
“You said yourself you don’t have to accept a bond, so we can just ignore each other and be fine. I won’t get in the way of your relationship with Zeke. I already told you I wouldn’t.”
“This isn’t about Zeke,” he snapped, turning toward me again, lowering his voice. “This isn’t about him.”
If it wasn’t about Zeke, then it came down to his inability to trust me. If there were more lies in my bloodline, I didn’t blame him—but I didn’t have to tolerate his volatility.
I didn’t grow up with his customs. Being bound to someone through magic wasn’t a human thing. Even if I wasn’t fully human now, I’d lived like one for twenty-three years.
A label didn’t mean I needed to be around someone who didn’t like me.
I crossed my arms, needing to hear the words, leaving no misunderstanding between us. “Then what’s it about? That you don’t trust me? I can’t do much about that.”
Maybe it made me a masochist, but I looked forward to sparring with him when he didn’t cross into cruelty. I liked his sarcasm and wit. Sexual attraction aside, I sensed more beneath the surface.
I saw more than he realized he let me see.
If I set aside all the times he lashed out, I saw someone who cared deeply.
After everything, he still asked how to help me get ready to leave.
He saved my life. Held me after Grandma’s funeral—even when I didn’t realize it. I wanted to believe he did it to comfort me.
I loved seeing how he took care of Zeke. If that had been my first impression of him, I’d have swooned and developed a crush like a teenage girl.
He ruffled his hair in frustration before gripping the back of his neck with both hands, oblivious to my internal war. “I don’t want to want you.”
I looked away from him, mumbling. “That makes two of us.”
He dropped his arms. “What?”
I shook my head, staring at the floorboards.
“No. You don’t get to do that.” He stepped toward me. “You didn’t let me do that.”
“I said, ‘That makes two of us.’”
If it weren’t so sad, I’d have laughed at the confusion on his perfectly sculpted face.
I turned away and started dropping the makeup I wanted to keep into a box. “Can you make sure Ash didn’t pack the baking dishes with the little blue flowers? I want to take them with me. They belonged to Grandma.”
Cyn’s arms slid around my waist, his hard body pressing to my back, making me flinch. Soft lips brushed my nape.
I closed my eyes. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t know.” His hold tightened, and he kissed the soft spot between my shoulder and neck, voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t know.”
I didn’t want to surrender to his touch, but I couldn’t lie to myself and say it didn’t settle my heart to be on the receiving end of his affection, even if neither one of us understood why.
If it was the Nyrith tether, then we’d have to resist. I wouldn’t be with someone only because magic manipulated my heart.
But Ash told me the Nyrith tether didn’t force feelings. It amplified existing feelings; it didn’t fabricate them.
It explained why the pull toward Ash and Zeke was strongest. I knew them best, and I liked what I’d learned.
Did that mean Cyn felt something for me he wouldn’t admit to—even to himself?
The thought terrified me as much as it thrilled me. But I didn’t have the spoons to unpack his hangups.
I squirmed, trying to pull away from him as his teeth scraped the spot he hadn’t stopped kissing. I needed to keep my wits about me.
His hands and mouth weren’t conducive to rational thought.
“Cyn? Are you up here?”
Cyn shoved away from me, stepped into my bathroom, and slammed the door.