Chapter 23
INFINITE GHOST
‘Infinite Ghost’ was my first ever number one single. I’ve always told everyone that it’s about those people who blow in and out of your life until they’re no longer in it. I’ve never admitted the truth. To myself? Sure. Not for years after the fact, though.
There’s only one person who could’ve released the news of my voice, and he is sitting next to me on the way to his birthday surprise. Had I seen the article before we left the villa, we would not be sitting in Kareem’s rental car right now.
We pull up the drive of the vineyard after an hour’s drive.
There are fields as far as the eyes can see with grapes growing under the summer sun.
The building is gorgeous – old-fashioned, but somehow modern at the same time.
There are people dotted around the tables inside, keeping out of the midday sun.
They all have multiple wine glasses on their tables and a small plate of food.
One man with a big moustache keeps smelling his different wine glasses and then putting them back down again, the sweat on his brow leaking down his face.
He eats a breadstick and catches me staring, so I look away, hoping he doesn’t think anything of it.
I request a table outside, but in the shade, and they are more than happy to oblige.
A server – Giulia, according to her name badge – comes to see us when we are settled and brings us our first two glasses. A Pinot Grigio grown and brewed on the vineyard. One that isn’t exported out of Italy, so we’ll probably never have tried it before.
‘It’s our most popular bottle,’ Giulia informs me, pouring a small amount into our glasses while explaining a bit about the history of the grapes and why it isn’t exported.
I struggle to listen, that settled feeling from this morning turning sour in my stomach under the heat of the day.
‘You’ll try each of the four bottles and then you can tell us what your favourite is for a full glass,’ Giulia explains.
She disappears. We lift our glasses and clink them together. It’s the first time I don’t break eye contact with Luc since I saw the article in the car. The article telling the world that my voice is going. That the tour is going to ruin it. That my career is over.
I feel heavy under Luc’s gaze, and he doesn’t look away. Even long after I have. We take small sips of our wine.
‘Oh!’ Luc exclaims. ‘That’s delicious.’
‘Mm,’ I mumble.
How can he look at me, with the guilt… knowing what he’s done?
‘We’re off to a good start.’ My voice shakes and I clear my throat to steady it.
Luc reaches across the table and rubs his thumb on my forearm. We’re in public, so I don’t pull away. You never know who’s watching, even if there’s no one around. The walls have eyes.
‘This is such a lovely thing to do, Sienna.’ When he pulls back, I rest my arms in my lap under the table.
‘You’re welcome,’ I smile.
‘I’m serious. You didn’t have to.’ He cocks his head to the side, eyes tearing up.
I take a deep breath. ‘You’ve done a lot for me this summer,’ I insist. ‘And I wanted to do something nice for you, too.’
‘Well, you have. You didn’t have to.’
The article is burned onto the backs of my eyelids. I try to get the last drop of wine out of the bottom of my glass.
Giulia puts a plate of food in front of us: some olive-oil breadsticks, ham, a few cheeses. ‘These all pair really lovely with our wine.’
I pick up a piece of cheese on a toothpick. ‘I can’t believe the tour is nearly here.’
Not long to go. I won’t tell him anything personal until then. Maybe we should’ve had him sign that NDA after all. Silly me thinking I could trust someone.
Luc gazes at the horizon, tearing his eyes away from me for the first time since we arrived. ‘And then it’ll all be over…’
I look around for prying ears, but no one else is outside. Just us. Just Luc, me, and the shattering of my heart in my chest.
Luc leans back on his seat, wiping his mouth with his napkin. ‘About the tour…’ He draws out his words, like he doesn’t want to get to the end of his sentence.
‘What?’
Giulia returns with a small bowl of olives and peppers. ‘How did you find the wine?’
‘Absolutely gorgeous, thank you,’ I reply.
She walks away.
‘Thought you had a lucky escape there?’ I ask.
Luc winces. ‘So close!’
I raise my eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. ‘You had a question about the tour? The arrangement, I guess?’
Giulia is back, two red wine glasses hanging upside down from her fingers. ‘You really loved the Pinot Grigio?’
‘Oh, it was beautiful,’ Luc smiles. ‘Very smooth – dry, but fruity at the same time.’
She nods knowingly. ‘It’s my favourite too.’ She pulls out another bottle from behind her back. ‘This one is a Chianti. Do you like red wine?’
‘Love it,’ Luc chokes out.
Giulia pours a small measure in the bottom of both glasses. ‘Enjoy,’ she smiles brightly and walks away.
I lift my glass and swirl the wine, bringing it up to my nose while it’s still spinning and inhaling deeply.
I take a sip. My body feels heavy – a part of me doesn’t want Luc to say what he has to say, but the other half wants him to just get it over with.
To hear what he has to say so I can start picking up the pieces to move on.
I can’t understand why my body is reacting like this when this has always been the plan.
When this is for the best. When it’ll either end now or later with a lot more pain.
Maybe it’s reminding me why this needs to be the plan.
Maybe it’s leftover anxiety from seeing the story online this morning. Of knowing the conversation I now need to have with Luc.
Luc sighs, not meeting my eye. ‘I don’t want it to end, Sienna.’
My heart seems to have come back to life, thumping against my ribs so hard it feels like it will explode.
Any delay on the break-up now would be just that.
A delay. If we don’t end the PR relationship at the beginning of the tour, it’ll end by the time it finishes because I can’t trust Luc, or Luc can’t cope with me being away so much of the time.
Or he can’t deal with the price of privacy that comes with being close to me, or a ‘source’ goes to the press with a story that turns Luc against me.
None of it is pretty. It’s not worth the pain it would cause us both.
Luc looks at me expectantly, and I realise my thoughts put me in a trance, cut me off from hearing what he’d said. A singular tear rolls over my waterline, and I brush it away as quickly as I can, draining the Chianti from my glass.
I’ve been here before. I don’t have the energy for the anger of betrayal. Articles like the one this morning. I’ll stick with the disappointment and sadness.
Giulia returns. ‘Next up we have a Piccini, which is our bestseller as a bottle when people leave the tasting.’ She puts two new glasses on the table and pours. ‘Enjoy.’
‘Please say something, Sienna.’
My body aches. ‘I’m surprised.’
I’m not surprised. We broke too many rules for me to be surprised.
‘I need some… time to take this in,’ I whisper.
‘Don’t people who enter a relationship usually do so without an end date?’ Luc points out.
‘Well, yes, but…’ I lower my voice. ‘We didn’t enter a relationship, did we? Not a proper one. We did have an end date.’
My eyebrows feel tight on my face, a frown drawing pressure behind my eyes. A stray piece of hair falls out of my ponytail.
‘We broke all the other rules,’ Luc protests. ‘I thought it was becoming…’ He throws his hands up weakly. ‘You surprised me with a trip to Tuscany for my birthday, for fuck sake. It’s not even an important birthday.’ His voice is getting louder and risks blowing our cover.
‘People are going to overhear,’ I whisper.
‘Fuck other people.’ But he quietens his voice.
‘I can’t, Luc,’ I say quietly. ‘I don’t trust you.’
His head snaps to look at me, eyes wide. ‘You don’t trust me?’
I shake my head. ‘No, not anymore.’
‘I haven’t done anything to break your trust,’ Luc protests.
I unlock my phone, and the article appears straight away on the screen. Waiting for me. I hand him the phone.
‘I know it was you.’ A tear slips over my waterline. ‘No one else knew.’
‘I– it wasn’t me.’
‘It must have been.’
‘It wasn’t! What do I have to gain from this?’
‘Apparently they pay quite a lot of money for stories like this.’
‘You think I would do this for money? Do you not know me at all, Sienna?’
‘I thought I did.’
‘I promise you. I swear on my mother’s life. On Lydia’s. On Kealan’s. On yours. It was not me.’
‘Luc, only you, my family, Jess, and Mimi know.’
‘What about Dennis and Kareem?’
‘They’re under NDAs and they’ve worked with me for a decade. I trust them with everything.’
‘I’ve known you for a decade.’
‘That’s different.’
Giulia is back, the collection of wine glasses growing further on our table. I use the toothpick from my cheese to skewer a piece of ham.
‘Everything okay?’ Giulia asks. I leave the ham on the plate.
‘Fine, thanks.’ Luc doesn’t look at her.
‘She means with the wine.’ My joke doesn’t land.
‘We now have a Pinot Grigio blush for the rosé fans. Do you like rosé?’ She pours us a small measure in a fourth glass and disappears.
Is it me or does she leave much quicker this time?
‘Sienna, I shouldn’t have to prove to you that it wasn’t me,’ Luc says. ‘You should trust me by now. I have nothing to gain from this.’
My heart trusts him, but my head responds with why I shouldn’t, a million reasons a relationship between me and Luc would never work.
‘This is the second time in our relationship that you’ve jumped to conclusions and haven’t trusted me.’ Luc stares at his plate.
I frown.
‘With those pictures of me and Leia, you immediately jumped to conclusions, got really drunk and was pictured with Alex Pauls.’
‘Bullshit. You know how those photos looked. And I was not “pictured with Alex Pauls”. You know full well what happened.’
‘I don’t actually. I don’t know what happened in the event. But I have to trust that you didn’t do anything.’