Chapter 8 Lily （Present）
EIGHT
LILY
PRESENT
It hits me all at once—surprise, excitement, hurt, anger, and resentment.
The oxygen in my chest disappears, as if the air is now too thick to swallow.
I try to blink the feeling away, but it feels like hands are curling around my ribs and pulling them apart.
I always wondered if it would feel like time stopped the next time I saw him. I was right.
All the words I thought I would say get lodged in my throat, and the soft hum in my ears a second ago is now a scream.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this.
Why is he here? Why now, after so many years of radio silence?
Tears sting my eyes, but they don’t fall. Based on the shocked expression on his face, he didn’t anticipate anyone answering the door. As his mouth opens and shuts, like he can’t find the right words, panic takes over every bone in my body, and I slam the door shut in his face.
Gasping, I rest my back on the now-closed door. “What the fuck?” My pulse pounds in my ears.
Seeing his face makes me feel like I’m unraveling from the inside out.
“Lil? Open the door, please.” His voice is as rich as honey as he pleads from the other side of the thin wood that separates us. “Please, I just want to talk to you.”
Oh God. Just hearing his voice takes me back to the day when I learnt he left.
I never felt more scared.
Scared that I was alone.
Afraid something had happened to him.
I waited for this moment for what feels like forever. I craved it so bad. Now, I just want to go back in time to still wonder what happened to us. Anything is better than seeing him right in front of me, with a distraught look on his face, like I hurt him.
Please. As if.
I try to turn off my brain to save me from any more hurt.
The doorknob jolts in my palm as I attempt to get it to open, but my hand is too shaky and sweaty.
Once it swings open and almost bangs against the wall, I keep my gaze on his very defined muscular chest as my own shrinks under his heated gaze.
He’s a man now. Oh my God.
I’m scared to look in his eyes. What will I find? Will I melt on the spot and forget everything I’ve felt for ten years?
I don’t have enough time to protest when his finger hooks and pulls up my chin.
I almost clutch his wrist in desperation and buckle to the ground.
His eyes are the same color, but they’ve changed so much.
The last time I saw Elijah, they were filled with innocence; now they’re void of that glint.
And even though it shouldn’t, it scares me.
Watching me like I might disappear, with his hand still under my chin, he takes a deep breath, and his entire body shakes, like it took him a lot of effort to just breathe.
His gorgeous face drains of color. The lips I dreamed of kissing all throughout my childhood open, frozen mid-breath. His pupils dilate, and for a second, I think he’ll never say a word before a look of disbelief crosses his face.
“It’s you.” His voice comes out strained and unsteady. Almost as if he had to force the words past his lips. “It’s really fucking you.”
Another crack appears in my heart.
“I don’t know why you’re surprised.” I have to swallow hard at the unfamiliar bitterness in my voice. “This is my house, and I’m not the one who left.”
Did he come back here, expecting everything to be the same as it had been when he left?
Swallowing down the sob that wants to burst out of me, I push away his hand, and it falls to his side limply.
“Please don’t touch me.”
When I take a step back, anxiety coats his face. He takes one step forward, closing the new distance I put between us.
Elijah looks desperate as he inhales a sharp, deep breath, raising his palms to me in surrender. His raspy voice forces out, “Please don’t go. Let me explain.”
He’s changed in so many ways. When he left, he was a boy. His lean teenage body has been replaced with bulky muscles. He towers over me, causing me to feel small and overwhelmed. He was only a foot taller than me when he left, but now my forehead reaches his chin.
His chin.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I whisper more to myself than him. “I can’t.”
Staggering back, I reach for the door, but he doesn’t let me close it when he moves to stand in the doorway.
“I understand why you think I’m a jerk,” he stammers desperately, “and, yes, I’m the biggest dick out there, but I need to explain everything to you.”
Swallowing tightly, I shake my head. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Don’t say that. I’m so sorry, Lily.” Tears pool in his red eyes, which makes me want to scream—because how can I care so much about someone but feel so angry at them?
“If you were sorry, you would’ve reached out; you could’ve come back, explained to me what was going on.”
Elijah stays silent as angry tears fall down my cheeks. The only movement he makes is shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket.
“Imagine being excited to see your favorite person, only to learn they are gone. As if they never even existed.”
Everything I’ve held hostage in my brain finally releases.
“I called you. I called your cell so many times that I lost count,” I admit, tasting my salty tears.
“I even acted like one of your stupid fans and called your record label, trying to just hear the word okay come out of your mouth. So I’d know you were fine.
Only to get hung up on. That was the moment I vowed to never let anyone in like I’d let you. ”
“I didn’t know,” Elijah expresses, edging closer with frantic eyes.
Grabbing my forearms, he urges, “Do you think I wanted to leave that day? I was a kid. I had no idea they were going to rip everything that mattered to me away. Fuck, I didn’t even know you’d called.
You think I wouldn’t want to talk to you? ”
I have no idea what to think.
“What’s done is done.” I shrug my shoulders, and after my slight movement, his fingers tighten on my arms. “Don’t worry; this house is the only thing I’ve got. I’m not going to run away like you did,” I say before gesturing to his hands with my chin.
“Stop.”
“Stop what?” I argue back.
“Stop making me feel like a monster.” His voice grows thick.
Pointing my finger into his hard, defined chest, I say through my trembling lips, “But here’s the thing: I’m not trying to make you feel like a monster.
I’m explaining how you left me with all mine.
” God, I need to get a grip. “You were the glue holding me up. Elijah, I am not the same person you left behind.”
I’m hanging on by a thread. The only thing I haven’t lost is slipping between my fingers. My home. I’ve almost lost everything. Everything. I don’t want to relive this hurt again, no matter how much I hate how I’m acting.
“I can’t even express how sorry I am. I need you to understand that.” He licks his lip when a tear trickles down his face.
When I press my lips together and don’t say anything back, he takes that as his cue to continue. “I thought of you every day—and still do. I was just so—”
I butt in, cutting off his stammering. “Busy?”
His gaze shifts downward as I wrench myself from his grip and take several steps back. “Lily, please just—”
My phone rings loudly, interrupting him mid-sentence.
I know there are always two sides to every story. I hear him. I just need time to think, get my head clear before mentally traveling back to the past.
Elijah looks like he has the whole world’s weight on his shoulders. My phone continues to ring. Slumping forward, I find it beside my foot.
“Hello?” I croak when I answer the phone. Locked in a stare with my childhood best friend.
Sadness rolls off him in waves as he slouches forward and braces his arm on the doorframe.
All I want to do is jump in his arms, run my hands through his silky hair, and tell him I’ll always be here for him. Yet I can’t erase what happened in the past and what I felt. He discarded me when he was done, almost like I was garbage.
“You’re still alive. Thank goodness! Do you know how worried I was?” Thea yells, and I flinch over the sudden loudness in my ear. She groans. “I know you’re busy, so I’ll let you go. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I’m not…
“I know. You always are. Talk to you soon.” She hangs up before I can say anything else.
His presence is like a thunderstorm. Without even looking, I know his eyes are on me, trying to memorize my face. I would always feel him when he was near, almost like we were connected by an invisible rope. I guess nothing has changed.
“I understand you’re overwhelmed, so I’ll give you space. Just know when you’re ready to talk, I’m across the street.” Hesitating, he takes a step back. Nodding his chin once, he turns slowly and walks away.
Lungs that feel like they’re filling up with water, I choke out, “You’re back?”
His eyes sparkle with hope as he swivels in my direction but keeps walking backward. “For a few months.”
Nodding, I watch him cross the street before I close the door. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to get him out of my head, but all I can see in the darkness is his face.