1. - – Tamsin #2
After a while, he lets a long and raspy breath out, but doesn’t draw in another.
I count down from a minute, giving him time.
He doesn’t move or breathe, and I know. I still stay where I am because I’m not ready to let go of his comfort.
I’m not ready to face the world without my Dad in it.
Right now, I still have him. Once I sit up, it’s real.
Several minutes pass, and he still doesn’t draw in a breath. I finally break and sit up. I take the hand he has on my head into mine and kiss it. “Tell Momma hey for me,” I whisper, kissing his forehead.
“Tamsin?” Blake asks, gently touching my shoulder.
“Is he…” Ally starts to ask. I ignore her and pull my phone out to call Dr. Holly Sparks.
“Hey, Tamsin. I was just about to call and check…”
“He’s gone,” I say calmly. “He laid down to rest, and now he’s gone.”
“I’m on my way. Okay? I’ll be there in a few minutes,” she tells me.
“Okay,” I say, my voice cracking. Instead of letting her hear my emotions, I end the call and go to Ron’s office line. Ron picks up in two short rings.
“Hey Tamsin,” he says. The sigh in his tone is because he knows I am only calling the funeral home for one reason.
“Holly is coming to confirm,” I say, my resolve breaking as tears roll down my face as I look at my father lying on the couch. He still looks like he is resting peacefully. “He said he was tired and ready to go to Mom.”
“I know he was happy to have you by his side, honey,” Ron says, emotion filling his voice. Ron and Dad were best friends, so he is the closest thing to an uncle I have. “Let me get a few things together, and I’ll be right over. Where is he at?”
“On the couch in the living room,” I say.
“Okay, sweetheart. I’ll handle everything, you just be with him until we can get there. Are you okay to be alone?”
“Blake and Ally are here,” I remark, trying not to let the disgust flood into my voice.
“Okay. I’ll see you soon then,” he says.
I put my phone away and sit with Dad. Maybe death is beautiful, because I couldn't have asked for a more peaceful passing. Mom’s death was horrific and bloody, but fast. Her car was shoved under a semi, and it sheared the top off.
With that, her death was instantaneous. Dad identified her based on her clothing and tattoos from pictures, as they refused to let him see her body.
For a while, I thought that was cruel, but I understand now.
I can find comfort in knowing she likely didn’t even know she had been hit by the time she died.
So, a painless death, but horrifically traumatic for every single person out there who had to see her mangled and dismembered body.
I’m glad this is how Dad is passing compared to how Mom died.
“Hey, Honey,” Holly says, kneeling to rub my back as I hold Dad’s hand. I don't know how much time has passed since I moved last.
“He’s getting cold,” I say.
“Let’s have a listen,” she says, pressing her stethoscope to his chest to listen. She looks up and shakes her head at who I assume is Ron.
“He’s gone,” I say. “You can say it. Dad is dead.”
“Yes, Tamsin. Your father is dead,” Holly says bluntly, but softly.
“He died with his hand on my head. Is that weird?” I ask. “He always did this thing where he’d stroke my hair ever since I was a baby. He died comforting me over his passing.”
“He loved you so much,” she says with a tearful smile. “He was so proud of you.”
“What now?” I ask, but I know what’s next. I don’t know what else to say, though.
“Well, Ron is going to get him loaded up, and he is going to take him to the funeral home,” Holly tells me.
“We have the paperwork already, so as soon as Holly signs off, we can get him cremated,” Ron tells me.
“I can do that on my way home. No need to delay,” Holly says.
“Can he be cremated in what he is wearing?” I ask. “This is an old shirt Mom got him before she died. He only wore it when he was missing her real bad and needed to feel close to her.”
“I can do that,” Ron says.
“I need to get up, don’t I?” I ask, still looking at Dad.
“Take your time, Tamsin. We are not in any rush,” Ron tells me. I hear others come in, but I don’t look up. I listen to sniffles and quiet emotions moving around the room, but everyone tries to respect this moment I have with him and remain quiet.
“How about we all clear out and let her be alone with her Dad,” Holly says after a moment. Everyone files out of the house and onto the front porch, leaving me alone with Dad.
“I love you so much, Daddy,” I say, cupping his cheek. He has cooled down significantly, and the realization is setting in. I just lost my Dad, my boyfriend, and my best friend. All at once, I am losing a massive part of my life.
After a while, I stand and Ron comes into the house with his assistant.
They stay silent as I take the quilt off him and neatly fold it before stepping back.
I watch them for a moment, but then decide I don’t want to see them place him in a body bag.
When I walk outside, everyone turns and looks at me.
Ally’s parents, James and Jenny Barlow, are here. Her brother Griffin is here, also. Blake’s parents, Simon and Allison Serrano, are here alongside his brother, Jude. Mom’s parents are here, and both Blake and Ally are still here.
“Hey, Sin,” Griffin says, wrapping me in a big hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“He went peacefully,” I say. When he pulls back, Blake’s older brother Jude hugs me. Blake fucking hates it when these two are anywhere near me, so this should thoroughly piss him off.
“You hangin’ in there, Sin?” Jude asks, cupping my face.
“Yeah,” I say with a smile.
“Really?” Blake asks his brother flatly.
“Don’t start,” I say with a tone that has Blake backing down immediately. I then turn to my grandparents and let them hug me before everyone else does.
“What’s the plan?” Grandma asks me.
“Well,” I say. “Dad didn’t want a funeral. He wanted to be cremated and mixed with mom, so I thought we could do a dinner or something. Ron said he was going to get him cremated soon, so I was going to plan for dinner on Friday, so that the urn can be at the dinner.”
“That sounds like a great idea,” Grandpa says.
“You coming home tonight, or do you want to stay here tonight?” Blake asks me. He steps beside me and rubs my back like the supportive boyfriend everyone expects him to be.
“I’m going to come home so I can shower and rest. I’ve been running on little to no sleep for months now,” I say.
“Yeah. You need to relax,” he says.
“I’m going to leave before they bring him out,” I say. “I don’t know if I can handle seeing him in a body bag.”
“I’ll be right behind you,” he says. “Need me to grab anything from here?”
“No, thank you, though,” I say. He smiles softly before leaning down to kiss me. As I give everyone hugs goodbye, I whisper to Jude. “Can you gather all the pills in the house and keep them safe? Blake is drinking again.”
“I got you,” he says, squeezing me. When he releases me, I walk toward my car. I know Ron is waiting for me to leave because he is standing at the front door now. I know someone will lock the house up, so I put my car in reverse and leave.
Later that evening, I have showered, and I am now curled up in bed.
Blake comes to bed and moves in close behind me to wrap his arms around me.
If I didn't know what I do, this would be so sweet.
Knowing he fucked Ally makes this cruel.
Still, I need to feel something. I hate this numb feeling, and I need a reprieve.
“Blake?” I say quietly.
“Yes?” he asks, moving up to his elbow to look down at me as I roll to my back.
“Fuck me,” I say. “I’m numb, and I need an escape.”
“Mmm, I think I’ll start by helping you relax,” he says with a smile as he sits up and pulls the blanket off me.
I work with him as he undresses me and starts kissing down my chest as he settles between my legs.
When his tongue slowly drags across my clit, I groan.
He continues to lick me, and it feels amazing.
This will be the last time he ever has access to my body.
I take advantage of the situation and let him start sucking my clit, making me moan and arch off the bed.
By the time I come, he has worked himself up.
He pulls back, and I roll to my belly before moving up to my knees.
“Fuck,” I grunt when he grabs my hips and slams into my pussy.
I push back, and he starts pounding into me hard and fast. I push my hips back to keep his force, and I scream into the pillow as he wrecks me.
Unfortunately, he’s halfway decent in bed. His dick is average in size, but he knows how to use it at least. Obviously. He pulls out in time to jerk himself off, coming on my lower back and ass. I move down to lie on my belly as he grabs a towel to clean me.
The room is dead silent when he lies back in the bed next to me. “I love you, Tamsin,” he says, kissing my shoulder.
“I know,” I remark, but go silent.