Prologue
KIERAN
Dear Ace,
If you are reading this, it’s because I am no longer here.
If you are reading this, I somehow, even now, know that whatever happened was my fault; it was my choice. There’s a limit to how many times you can tempt fate before it decides to answer for you—to make the choice for you.
I made one too many empty promises to God, always bargaining for more time I was never meant to have.
I suppose prayer belongs to those who have actively and always believed in those things…
not to sinners like myself who only call upon a higher being at our weakest moments; when death itself is already too close.
I think we both knew this was coming, Ace. The luck you brought me was never meant to last a lifetime— and neither were we. But fuck, it was everything while it lasted. You were everything, my lucky star.
I could have wished upon a thousand shooting stars and still never had the happiness that you brought into my life.
I wish you understood how ironic this feels, writing a letter meant to say goodbye…
a pathetic attempt at it anyway. I could fill a million pages with all the reasons I loved you.
I could tell you how bright you made the last several months feel.
How, for a split second, I almost tried again— almost pushed myself through one more round of treatment.
I could tell you that I talked to the doctors. That I signed the paperwork. That I stood right outside those glass hospital doors at Phantom Shores Memorial, ready to walk back in and start again. But when I saw my reflection staring back at me, something inside me knew… It was my time.
I couldn't do it for you. I had to choose this for myself, not for you, the girl I had fallen in love with.
And yes— I fell for you. I love you, Sienna.
Fuck… that feels good to finally say. Or I guess write out?
I wish I would have said it sooner. I wanted to see your face when I did.
I wanted to watch those sage green eyes light up just one more time…
but I knew if I saw you again, I wouldn’t be able to walk away. And I had to. So I left.
One ask, one puppy-dog-eyes pout, is all it would have taken for me to put myself through treatment again.
I would have done anything you asked of me…
so I can’t let you ask me to do this. This had to be it, Ace.
I would’ve had to want to live and I just don’t want to continue fighting a fucking losing battle.
I have lived for everyone in my life since I was first diagnosed in my early teens. I lived for my parents, I lived for my sister, fuck— I even kept living for your brother that you would have been there through each treatment and the sickness that followed.
But that is no life for you and something I would never wish on you to go through…
not again. You watched and stood by your brother while he fought his battle and I refuse to make you another civilian casualty in this war called cancer.
I am no one’s burden or lost cause— I am simply a man who grew tired and made one final choice.
I hope one day you can understand my choices and accept the fact I now am at peace. No more needles, no more pain, no more in and out of hospitals, and no more waiting for recurrence— just freedom in death.
I hate to say it but, baby, it’s time we called my time of death.
With all my love,
Kieran