1. - – Sienna
CHAPTER ONE
-
SIENNA
“It’s been a while since your last session,” my therapist says, flipping through stacks of notes like she's trying to remember who I am on ink stained paper.
“Last time, you were working through the loss of your brother. How are you holding up?” She looks up at me then, waiting. Like I'm supposed to have an answer.
My tongue drags across my teeth before I bite the inside of my cheek, drawing blood.
Metal clung to the back of my throat, sharp and unpleasant.
Which is still less painful than attending these mandatory therapy sessions.
I take a deep breath, slow and controlled, then nod at her like that should be enough, like that answers everything in my simple gesture.
She doesn't buy it. Her brow lifts- expectant.
“Care to elaborate on that head nod?” She asks, her voice calm; edged with something that tells me she's not letting it go.
I exhale slowly before forcing out, “I don't know.”
She nods, too easily for my liking, as if she is understanding me which is insane considering I don’t even understand myself. “It can be difficult to adjust back to life after such a traumatic loss of a sibling… especially a twin.”
Guilt settles heavy in my chest. Because I should be here for Jax. I should be talking about him. But he isn’t the reason for the current numbness. He isn't what broke me this time.
“Living without him-without Jax” I choke on the words, straightening my back before I make myself continue.
“It feels like I'm constantly forgetting something. Like I have to keep going back home to check if I locked the door… or if I left the flat iron on.” She nods, letting me stumble through it.
“There’s always this nagging feeling that something's missing.
Just when I think I'm getting better, something happens…
and obviously my first instinct is to call him.
To run to him, spill all the gossip, and laugh at some dumb video he would've found just as funny…” My voice falters, but I push through it.
“Or on the really bad days… I just want his shoulder to cry on.” I swallow hard.
“He was my best friend. My brother. The other half of me.” The words feel heavier now.
“We shared a womb… and now it hurts to breathe in a world he isn't in.”
Tears spill down my face, my lashes growing heavy as I blink slower, like I can hold them back if I just try hard enough. “Death doesn’t discriminate,” I manage, my voice unsteady. “It doesn't care. It doesn't answer the pleas of the people left behind.”
Her eyes stay locked on mine as I speak. “I know death isn't my enemy… and it's not my friend either. It just… exists. An unavoidable part of life.” My words sit heavy between us. “But that doesn't mean I can't hate it.”
My throat tightens. “ I hate it because it keeps taking everything from me… everyone.” My voice breaks this time, and I don't try to hide it. “And now…” I swallow hard.
“Now I'm just here. Alone.”
My hands tremble in my lap, slick with sweat as I see her preparing to respond.
I cut her off before she can. Surprise crossed her face, it was brief, before it disappeared behind that practiced calm.
“I'm not here to talk about him though,” I say.
“There's someone else… or there was someone else… I need to talk about them.”
“Okay, Sienna.” She says gently. “You have my full attention. Tell me about whoever they may have been.”