Chapter 41
forty-one
. . .
Ceci
After Hailey and Ryan leave, Aidan tugs me into the bedroom. Wordlessly, he pulls me into his arms, and I tuck my head against his chest, listening to the steady thump, thump, thump of his heart. I allow him to take comfort from me, to hold me and center himself.
I can’t be his self-soothing toy. I won’t be the one to “fix” or “cure” his problems. All I can do is assist him in finding self-regulation techniques that allow him to ground himself without relying on another person.
Because eventually, that person won’t be available. They’ll leave or move on or be busy with their own lives. I don’t exist to regulate him. I have my own issues regulating myself.
For now, though, I can give him this. For now, I can be what he needs.
“How are you doing?” I ask into his chest.
Aidan sighs, the sound vibrating against my cheek. “I honestly don’t know.”
“Is it the wedding, or is it telling her?”
“Yes,” he says.
I chuckle. “That didn’t actually clarify anything.”
His arms tighten around me, tension coiling each of his muscles. “She doesn’t need me anymore,” he whispers.
The pain in his voice is audible, and it takes a second for everything to click into place.
Aidan wants to be needed. He’s so used to being the stable, reliable one, the person everyone goes to with their problems, he’s never known a life where he doesn’t need to support everyone else.
He thinks he’s a strong, sturdy oak tree, but he’s one wind gust away from toppling over.
When his parents died, he moved Hailey in with him, watching over her, maintaining her medical care. Being captain was a natural extension of the emotional load he managed with the team. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.
But when does he allow himself to need someone? Why doesn’t he allow himself to depend on anyone?
“She might not need you, but she still wants you,” I tell him quietly.
I pull my head back to meet his gaze. His blue eyes are stormy, with conflicting emotions warring within him.
“She’s only two floors away. She’s not going anywhere.
And even if she leaves the building, if they’re in a new city, she’s not going anywhere.
She’ll always be your sister. You’ll always be family. ”
His gulp echoes in the still room. “It feels like she’s slipping away.”
“She’s right here.” I pat his chest. “She loves you. That isn’t going to change. She needs to stand on her own two feet, to build a life with Ryan. He’s her future.”
“And I’m her past,” he says bitterly.
“Not at all. You’re her constant.”
Aidan sighs, pulling away. He doesn’t go far, tugging me with him to sit on the edge of the bed. I perch across from him, drawing my leg up onto the mattress as I turn to him.
“You will always be a part of her life,” I state.
“But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her own too.
She’s entitled to live and be her own person outside of you.
She’s not going away. She’s not asking for space.
She’s not asking for time. Let her figure out what she wants and who she wants to be. ”
He grumbles under his breath, looking away.
“She’s building a future with her partner. That’s what she needs. And you’re going to give it to her. You might not like it, but you are. Because if you hold her back, she will never forgive you. If you hold her back, she will never be able to move forward.”
He looks at me with his chin hitched up petulantly. “Did I say I didn’t want that for her?”
I feel like we’re talking in circles. I want to support him, I want him to understand, but I don’t know how to make it sink in.
“We’re all allowed to move forward with our lives.
We don’t want to stagnate or fall back. We want to keep pushing forward and becoming the best version of ourselves.
And Ryan does that for her. He makes her a better person, and she makes him a better person in return.
They’re so well suited for each other. They deserve to be happy together. So let’s let them be happy.”
Aidan sighs. “You’re saying things I already know, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.”
“I know, babe. I know.” I pat his hand. “Have you talked to anyone about this?”
“Aside from right now?”
“They’ve been engaged for a long time.”
“It’s always been theoretical.” He waves his hand in the air, as if to show how nebulous their plans were.
“I never really thought it would happen. They said they were going to the courthouse, and now it’s a year and a half later, and it’s the first time they’ve mentioned a wedding.
First time they’ve made any concrete plans. ”
“Maybe talking out your thoughts would help.”
He raises his brows. “Isn’t that what we’re doing now?”
I force a chuckle to hide my discomfort with this. “I’m here for you. You know that. But it’s a little outside my wheelhouse. You helped your teammate find the right resources. Maybe you—”
“You think I need a therapist?” Aidan frowns.
He said he would talk to someone about his fear of intimacy, but I don’t think he’s put it into action. Maybe this is what will finally help him take that step.
“I don’t think there’s a single person on this planet who doesn’t need at least a little therapy.”
He sits back. “Wow.”
“Everyone is entitled to a safe place, free of judgment, to work out their thoughts and feelings. Some people can find that through journaling or meditating. Other people need to verbally process. It doesn’t make you less than for needing some help.”
“I know that.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “I just didn’t think…”
“I’ve been in therapy for over a decade. Does that make me weak?”
“I don’t think you’re weak,” he snaps. “And I don’t think therapy makes people weak. It’s the exact opposite. It makes them strong. Helps them be stronger.” He blows out a breath. “I’m sorry. I’m not upset with you. I’m trying to process this.”
I pat his hand again. “I know, babe.”
I won’t be his punching bag, though.
“If you’re not ready to talk about it, you can try writing down your thoughts to work through it all. You can shred it and throw it away when you’re done. Or you can keep it to look back on later and reflect on all the ways you’ve grown.”
“I think I’m more of a verbal processor,” he says slowly, as if speaking the words makes them true.
“There are so many kinds of therapy,” I tell him. “When you talk to Dr. Liz, she’ll help you find the right person. And don’t be surprised if the first therapist isn’t the right fit. It’s kind of like dating. It takes a while to find someone you can be vulnerable with.”
Aidan’s crooked smile appears for the first time all night. “I’ve never had to worry about that with you.”
“Hmm?”
“I think I could tell you anything. Even before we knew each other, I’ve always been able to talk to you. With you.”
My breath catches. “Wish…”
“But if we want our relationship to be healthy, I can’t rely on you to help manage my feelings. I have to do that on my own.” His blue eyes soften, fondness crinkling the edges. “I know you’re here for me. And I respect that this is something you can’t do for me. I have to do this.”
“You do,” I murmur, squeezing his hand. “And I’ll stand beside you every step of the way, encouraging you, supporting you. Cheering you on.”
“You’ve always done that,” he says. He swallows, his throat bobbing with the motion.
“You’ve been there for me through so much over the years.
And yeah, we kept a lot of things to ourselves, but you’ve been there.
Letting me work through my thoughts. Giving me space.
I don’t think I’ve ever said how much it meant to me. ”
Aidan takes my hand, bringing it to his lips to kiss my knuckles. “I’m incredibly fond of you, Ceci. You’ve meant so much to me for so long, and this new step… I’m so fucking glad it was you.”
“Me too.”
When he draws me closer, I straddle him on the bed, winding my arms around his neck. His hand comes up to cup my cheek, rubbing the pad of his thumb down the bridge of my nose.
“I’m crazy about you, Annie,” he whispers, before he kisses me.
My eyelids flutter closed, and I pour everything I have into the kiss. Wordlessly, I tell him exactly how I feel about him. How he makes me stronger. Braver. More supported. Desired. Appreciated.
All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to see me for who I am. Beneath the mask, beneath the bravado. And Aidan sees through my bullshit to who I am at my core. He always has, even when we were Wish and Annie, hiding who we were.
He likes me the way I am, and I wanted that. But I didn’t know how much I needed it too. How much of a relief it is to find it in him.
I’m not letting this man go. Not without a fight.