Chapter 17
You, um, want some more banana? I sliced another few pieces into my bowl. It landed with a satisfying plop onto my oats.
No, thank you. Thats plenty for me. Grace barely glanced at me. She hadnt since we woke up.
I was the most gracious host, of course, like always. I put on a pot of my best coffee and offered a variety of foodstuffs for breakfast. I would have made her waffles and bacon if she wanted. In the end, she asked what I liked to eat, and thats what we had. Oats, fruit and yoghurt. A healthy start to the day.
Personally, I wouldnt have minded an excuse to have bacon, but if I ate any, Id have to work out longer later.
I have vanilla or strawberry yoghurt, I pulled one out of the fridge.
Uh, either is fine, she replied, her chin almost on her chest.
Lets go with strawberry then. I gave her a long look, then started spooning out globs of yoghurt, which was thick with fruit.
I passed hers over, then poured us both coffee.
Um, are you okay? I asked, when I couldnt hold myself back any longer. Youre not regretting anything, are you? I sure as hell wasnt. I could get used to having her around.
Having her here felt…right.
She didnt answer right away. Oh crap, that wasnt a good sign. I felt my heart start to sink through the floor.
Finally she said, I dont know. I mean, were supposed to be working together. This might complicate things.
Yeah, I guess it could. I hadnt thought about that. Truthfully, I hadnt been thinking about a whole lot of anything. Last night was about two consenting adults doing what they do when theyre feeling the same vibe.
At least, that was what I thought was going on. I made sure every moment that she was comfortable and enjoying herself. Unless I completely lost my touch, and my ability to read the room, she had fun too.
It doesnt have to complicate things though, right? I asked. I mean, were grown ups. I gave her one of my best lopsided smiles. At least, youre a grown up. Im still workin on it.
She snorted. Yeah. I dont know if I am. Adulting is overrated.
See, thats what I keep telling the guys. They keep asking when Ill get mature, and I ask why Id even want to. Hawks grown up enough for the rest of us. I just want to go on havin fun.
Fun, she echoed. Yes, its good to do that sometimes. As long as everyone knows when its fun and when its something more.
She was trying to get at something, but I wasnt sure what.
If its not fun, then its not worth doing, I said. The smile was still on my face, although I was almost sure I was digging a hole for myself.
Thats true, she said. But life cant always be fun. We have to be serious once in a while.
Yeah, but not too often, I agreed. I was beginning to think we were having two different conversations. Is your breakfast okay? I noticed she hadnt touched any of it. I can still cook some bacon?
No, she said quickly. I mean, this is fine. She ate a mouthful, but then placed her spoon back down in her bowl. Im just not that hungry this morning.
Oh. Okay. It happens. I was starving, so I dug into mine and ate it all in about a minute flat.
Try the coffee. I nodded toward her cup. If she didnt like that, then maybe she was sick or something. Should I call an ambulance? I didnt think it was anything that serious. She could just be tired. It was a long, vigorous night we had last night. I was a bit tired myself. Once I had that thought, I couldnt keep a yawn in.
Grace set her bowl aside and took a sip. Her cute slurpy sound made me smile.
Did she do anything that wasnt cute?
Oh yeah, I was smitten. I was done fighting it. Bam Clinton, player, lover, bachelor, had feelings way beyond lust or friendship. For better or worse, I was ready to embrace it.
Only— I wondered if she was into me at all. She seemed so distant, so closed off. I had no idea what she was thinking or feeling. Okay, she was a woman, that was normal, more or less, but she was harder to read than most. Or maybe I never tried before.
I wanted to try now. I really did, but did she?
Just because we had sex didnt mean she wanted to be more than friends.
Come to think of it, it didnt even mean she wanted to be friends at all.
Nice coffee, she said.
Its one thing I splurge on, I said as I sat on my big couch with the view straight out to the lake.
Yeah, okay, I was familiar with irony, but I had to have a place to live, and a home was an investment. While I owned this, I was a lot less likely to ever live in a car again. Sure I could have bought a house in the suburbs, but security was a concern from time to time. Everyone who ever got a taste of fame risked having crazed fans hunt them down and do weird shit.
For example, Ive had women send me their underwear in the post.
Not all of it was clean.
That was flattering, but a strange thing to do if you asked me. I stayed off social media after the last round of nude photos I got sent. That was flattering too, but it made me super uncomfortable.
I deleted them, of course, but I knew of guys who shared them with their friends. The women who sent them had no way of knowing which type of guy I was. Later, when they thought twice about sending those photos, they might wish they hadnt, and wonder how many people theyd been shared to.
Look, Im all for body positivity and all that, but I have trust issues when it comes to things like this. If anyone gets a dick pic from the Bam-man, it wont be mine, or sent from the real me.
I didnt want my bits on the net until the end of time.
Grace raised an eyebrow at me.
Okay, maybe not just coffee, but I dont splash the cash like its going out of fashion, I said. These track pants are at least three years old. Light grey, they were comfortable and girls liked them for some reason. I have no idea why. Maybe they looked good on me. I mean, what doesnt, but I got a lot of looks and smiles when I wore them.
You surprise me, she said.
I wasnt sure if I should be worried about that.
I do? I asked. Why?
She shrugged with one shoulder, while holding her coffee carefully in the other hand.
You seemed like the kind of guy who wants the best of everything, she said slowly. When we first met, I thought you were an arrogant asshole.
And now? I asked. Did I really want to know? She might not have changed her mind about me. That would sting. Although, Ive been called worse than arrogant. Much worse.
Honestly, I couldnt say it wasnt true. I had a healthy ego. There was nothing wrong with that.
Was there?
Asshole? Well thats a whole other story.
Now… I dont know what to think, she said. I shouldnt even be thinking about it. We work together.
We agreed were both adults, I reminded her.
Yeah. Maybe the adult thing to do would be to not work together. She cupped her mug in both hands and looked down toward it.
My heart did a jig. Did that mean what I thought it meant? If she didnt work on the party, it would leave us free to focus on building this—whatever this was between us. Maybe Rubie would step in…
I watched Graces face and my heart dropped. She wasnt thinking that at all.
Helping those kids is important to you, I said. Youd give that up just so you dont have to see me again?
From the way she flinched, I hit the nail right on the head. This wasnt about spending more time with me, it was about spending less.
None.
Something happened to me which never happened before. I experienced a rush of panic. The idea of not seeing her was something I hadnt even considered. I didnt want to consider it. It would leave a hole in my heart the size of a stadium.
She spoke softly, barely loud enough for me to hear. I should have left before things went too far last night. I didnt think. Im sorry, its my fault.
Did I see a sparkle of tears on her lashes? I wanted to wipe them away, but I sat frozen.
It takes two, I said when I managed to form coherent words. But its not your fault, its mine. I kissed you. I stepped over that line. I swear to god it will never happen again. Unless she wanted me to. We can work together and be professional.
I reminded myself I still needed this party for my career, but I found that didnt mean so much right now.
Its not like last night meant anything but two people having a nice time, right? I said, reverting to my casual tone. Nothing to stress over. Its not the end of the world.
I had to tell myself that, but I didnt believe it. It meant a lot. Everything. It seemed as though I had to convince her it didnt, or shed walk away.
Maybe forever.
Friends, I could do friends. Bam-man didnt do relationships. I reminded myself of that, and hardened my heart again. Forever single, that was me. This should serve as a reminder why I lived by that policy.
Yeah, just a fling, she said. She didnt look happy about it. I… I didnt think it was anything else. She chewed her lip so hard I thought she might bite a hole in it. If you think we can work together until the party is over, then Im willing to try. She swallowed audibly. I dont want to let the kids down.
Right, me either, I said. Had she put a time limit on this thing? Sure, she had, why shouldnt she? She was a free agent, like I was. She wouldnt want me taking up too much of her time. Shed want to meet someone who actually saw a future with her, to settle down and all that.
I thought that guy was me only half an hour ago. Now I realised that was just a dumb illusion. I got caught up in how good last night was. Yep, that was all. My head was on straight again now, thanks to her.
As soon as the party is over, youll be busy fielding all those job offers, I said firmly. So busy youll soon forget last night ever happened. Just like I will.
That was meant to reassure her, but she looked like I stabbed her through the heart with a knitting needle.
I cleared my throat. I mean, I wont forget, Ill just… As if I could ever forget. The feel and taste of her was etched on my memory forever. More than any other woman I have ever been with. She was the first who meant something.
And the last.
Yeah, she said quickly, I get it. She gulped down the rest of her coffee and stood. I should go. She glanced down at herself, adorable in one of my t-shirts. It hung to just above her cute little knees.
Keep it, I said. It looks better on you anyway.
She gave me the slightest smile. I dont know about that. Ill wash it and return it when I see you next.
Yeah, okay. No rush. I flashed her one of my best grins.
We should meet somewhere more public next time. She scooped up her clipboard and started to pick up her clothes, which were spread all over.
If you prefer, I said. That worked for me. Maybe Waves. Then I could get a burger and a beer while we worked. Win-win.
It would be better, she agreed. Must less chance of complicating things any further.
Right. I stood and picked up her jumper off the floor. It smelled like her. I wanted to keep it, but I handed it to her.
Thanks, Ill be right back. She hurried into the bathroom and closed the door firmly behind her.
I heard what I assumed was the sound of her getting changed before she reappeared, my shirt tucked into her jeans.
Um, Ill see you later, she said awkwardly.
Ill walk you out, I offered. I stepped toward her but she waved me away.
Thats not necessary, she said. I can find the way.
I might not be the smartest Rapid on the team—just the best looking—but I knew when someone wanted to make a hasty exit. Id done it myself at least a million times before. I hadnt been on the receiving end of it. It kinda sucked. Some would call it karma. I called it a wake up call not to be a jerk the next time I stayed over at a womans place.
If I ever did again.