CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Nova
ITRIED TO FOCUS ON THE BAND. WHAT SONG WERE THEY playing? I couldn’t make it out over the blood roaring in my ears. “Come home with me.”
It was what I wanted. But now that it was being offered, I was terrified.
Something shifted in Kol’s expression, and a new fear lit inside me, one where he would take back his words, his offer. He didn’t. He met me in the mess, like always.
“Home can mean whatever you want, Phoenix. It can mean sitting on the back deck and talking till sunrise. It can mean me holding you like before and nothing else. It can mean whatever you want it to mean.”
This man. He wrecked me. In the best possible way.
“Okay,” I rasped.
His finger contracted around mine and then released. “Gonna be a little tricky getting out of here.”
My brows pulled together in confusion. “Why?”
“Well, lots of folks who might say something that could get me fired are in this bar right now.”
My stomach twisted. “Where’s your truck?”
He frowned. “On the street a block south.”
“I’m not built with an internal compass like you.”
His lips kicked up in the barest smile. “Toward the Yarn Barn.”
“Thank you.” I took one more sip of my drink and set it on a vacated table. “Meet me there in five.”
“You’re not walking alone—”
“No, I’m not. Aster is going to walk with me.”
Kol still looked a little unsure but finally nodded.
“Go talk to someone else.”
The scowl that erupted on Kol’s face had me biting back a laugh.
“I don’t like talking to people,” he grumbled.
“Buck up, Boss. You gotta take one for the team.” And with that, I turned to find Aster.
She was at the bar, obviously trying to avoid the advances of a slightly inebriated man who was talking about the intricacies of pig farming.
“Aster, I need you. Girl emergency.” I looked at the drunk man. “Sorry. Cramps. You know, that time of the month.”
He looked absolutely horrified, like he hadn’t just been talking about pig shit. “You … go.” But he scampered before we had a chance to move a muscle.
Aster turned to me in awe. “How did you do that?”
“Periods are the secret weapon against douchebags.”
“How can I ever repay you?” She gave a bow with her arms out like she was worshipping me.
“Can you walk me somewhere really quick and keep it between us?”
Aster looked confused, then something clicked. A mischievous smile spread over her face. “Where to, my hero?”
“Just down the block.”
She nodded, and we made our way out of the bar. It was a bit of a challenge with all the people, but I managed not to get bumped or jostled. The moment we stepped outside, I sucked in fresh, clean air. “You know, I’m not sure crowded bars are my thing anymore.”
Aster sent me a little nod. “I might be heading into my grandma era because what sounds really nice right about now is a hot bath and a good book.”
“Preach.”
She eyed me. “Why do I have a feeling that’s not what you’re going home to?”
I rolled my lips over my teeth.
“You don’t have to tell me. Just be careful. You’ve been through a lot, and that dance might take a little time to ease back into.”
“You’re a good friend,” I whispered.
“I’m here for whatever you need,” Aster assured me.
We passed Aster’s truck. Kol’s was only a few down, and as we walked up, he came running from the other direction.
“What are you doing? You were supposed to talk to people for five minutes,” I demanded.
He shrugged. “Talked to Wylder in front of my douchebag coworker. Told him I was heading home to help Waylon with some alpacas that got out. Left through the back door—”
“And ran around the block,” Aster cut in.
Kol sent her a glare, but it softened slightly. “Thanks for walking her.”
She saluted. “Anytime.”
“You want us to drop you back at the front door?” he asked.
She shook her head. “I’m going home, and my truck’s right there.” She pointed. “I’ll see you guys later.”
Kol watched as Aster made her way to her vehicle and climbed in, but he didn’t move until she was backing up and on her way. A gentleman. His gaze flicked to me. “Ready?”
I squeezed my fingers together. “Ready.”
He helped me into the truck, then got inside himself. I tried not to think about the fact that the last time we’d been in this vehicle had been a breaking of sorts. Letting out a long breath, I reframed it. Not a breaking, a breakthrough. Because it had led us to the honesty of tonight.
The darkness wove in around us as we drove. Starlight Grove wasn’t one for many streetlights outside of downtown. You could see it as ominous, where the monsters hid, or you could see it as breathtaking, where the stars shone.
In reality, it was both. But without the dark, you couldn’t see those stars. And I didn’t want to live without them. Which meant one thing. I had to face my monsters—the real ones and the ones I’d created.
Kol hit the button on a remote, and the gate to Twisted Oak Ranch swung open. A wave of nerves hit me as we drove over the cattle guard. And then I felt something else … anticipation, the good kind.
Neither of us said a word as Kol guided his truck toward the house we now both called home.
I tugged my lip between my teeth, a cascade of doubts tumbling over me.
What if I messed this up and Kol didn’t want me to live here anymore?
What if I freaked out in the middle of sex?
What if I couldn’t feel any of it anymore?
Kol slowed to a stop in his garage and turned off the engine. I was out before he could say anything, trying to buy myself more time to escape all the doubts. I rounded the front of the truck and slid into the house.
The lights were out, and it was quiet, which had me frowning. I turned at the sound of Kol’s footsteps. “Where’s Sky?”
“Sleepover with Owen.” He stopped a few steps from me, giving me plenty of space.
He looked so damn good in a flannel shirt I wanted to skim my cheek across it to feel the softness, dark jeans that hugged his thick thighs, and boots that had seen their share of work.
“Phoenix.”
My gaze lifted. The nickname carried a sting because I’d missed it so damn much. Only two weeks without it, yet hearing it again made me feel like I could breathe.
Kol ran his dark gaze over my face, reading every curve and line. “You can go up to your apartment right now or at any time, right?”
I nodded like one of those bobblehead dolls.
“You’re in control.” A muscle fluttered along his jaw as he spoke the words.
I couldn’t tell what that tension was about. My discomfort? His dislike of someone else holding the reins?
“Talk to me.” Kol’s eyes bore into me, pleading.
“What if I mess it up?” I croaked.
Kol took a step closer. “Yes?”
It took me a second to realize what he was asking. To approach. If it was okay for him to be in my space. “Yes.”
He took another two steps, and his hand lifted, just shy of my face. “Yes?”
I swallowed hard. “Yes.”
Kol’s knuckles skimmed my cheek. “Impossible for you to mess anything up. Because whatever we share, it’s going to be you and me.”
My eyes stung, and my throat tightened, but I kept breathing. “Okay.”
“Tell me what you want next.”
I could feel the restraint pulsing through Kol. The strength it took for him not to dominate the situation. And something about that eased my nerves slightly.
“I want to see your bedroom,” I whispered.
One corner of his mouth kicked up. “Why do I suddenly feel like I’m a freshman in high school?”
A soft laugh bubbled out of me, easing the tension a little more. “Height of hormones and breaking all the rules.”
Those knuckles slid over my jaw and down my neck. “I’m down for some dry humping.”
My lips twitched. “Lead the way, Boss.”
Kol’s eyes flashed, that mix of dark and light. He took my hand and led the way up the stairs. I’d been up here to play with Skylar but never to Kol’s bedroom. He turned right and headed to the opposite end of the hallway from Sky’s room.
I tried to focus on the details. The rugs with their intricate patterns that lined the deep reddish-brown floors. The detailed woodwork. The clock I knew must have been a gift from Waylon.
At the end of the hall was an open door. As we stepped inside, I could see that everything was shades of gray. The bedding, the bed frame, the dresser. Hanging over it was a stunning, black-and-white photo of Mount Lupine. It looked staggering. Intimidating.
But then I caught a flash of color. A drawing that had been framed and set on the dresser. Flowers in every color under the sun. Ones I knew had to be drawn by Skylar.
Because she softened him. Maybe even saved him. When he was pushing everyone away, she wouldn’t let him.
“I love this.” My fingers ghosted over the frame.
“Saving it for when the artist hits it big. Going to sell it for millions.”
My gaze flicked up to Kol. “You wouldn’t sell for a billion.”
His mouth curved. “Truth.”
My heart fluttered as if it had grown wings and they beat against my rib cage. “It’s the only color.”
Kol shrugged. “Easier this way.”
Because everything fit. Nothing broke the confines he put it into. Nothing was hard to categorize.
“What’s next?” Kol asked gently.
My tongue darted out to wet my suddenly dry lips, and Kol tracked the movement. Because that was what he was good at. Finding people with the barest of hints. It made me wonder what else he could track over my body.
“I want to feel again. To really feel. I spend every day shoving it all down, locking it away. And when it bubbles over, I run, jump, or I—”
“Hurl yourself off a cliff?”
“Or that,” I muttered. “I want to choose feeling for once. I just … I don’t know if I can handle it.”
Kol took a step toward me. “Yes?”
I nodded.
“Words or nothing, Phoenix.”
“Yes.” The single syllable was an exhale.
Kol crossed the distance between us. “This might be hard, but I need you to tell me what the triggers might be. If there are things that won’t feel good. If we talk about them now, the rest might go easier. But you also need to know that anytime you say stop, this stops. Okay?”
I started to nod but then remembered the rule. “Okay.”
“That’s my girl,” Kol whispered, running his knuckles over my cheek. “Think you can tell me?”
“My neck.” The words erupted from me almost harshly, as if I didn’t get them out right now, I’d explode.
“Your neck,” he echoed.
“Feeling like hands could be around my neck. Or someone being on top of me.”
Kol’s throat worked as he struggled to swallow, and the battle for restraint vibrated through him. “Because he strangled you.”
“I think so,” I whispered. “I have flashes.”
Kol jerked his head in a nod. “But he didn’t … ” I was sure he’d know this from my file. The police reports. But I was also sure that some victims lied because they felt shame that wasn’t theirs to carry.
“No. He didn’t hurt me like that.”
Air left Kol in a whoosh. But he still struggled to even his breathing. “I have an idea. But if it doesn’t sound good to you, just tell me.”
My brows pulled together as Kol moved away from me and toward a closed door. I felt the loss of him instantly. That heat that always emanated from him. The knowledge that around Kol, I’d never be cold.
He opened the door to a walk-in closet and scanned a row of shelves above where the clothes hung. His gaze stopped on a box. It looked like it was made of black fabric. Stretching up, he tugged it down and then crossed to a wooden bench at the foot of his bed.
Setting the box down, Kol pulled off the lid. Curiosity had me moving closer. As I did, Kol lifted something.
Black rope.
My breath hitched, anxiety sweeping through me as I remembered a flash. A shackle digging into my ankle, tearing at the skin. I breathed through it. Because this wasn’t a metal shackle. This was rope. Rope that was black and looked incredibly smooth.
Kol’s gaze locked with mine. “I want you to tie me up.”