14. Caroline
14
CAROLINE
S tupid, stupid, stupid. How could I be so dumb? For someone who repeats a mantra every day about being brilliant, I sure can be an awkward idiot sometimes.
First off, I’ve been telling myself over and over that it’s a terrible idea to get involved with Brock. It could ruin my career. That should be enough of a deterrent right there from ever being intimate with him. Yet, somehow, I felt the need to boldly suggest precisely that to him.
Secondly, it’s not in my nature to be forward enough to suggest sex to a man. I’ve never known a grown man who didn’t pursue what he wants, so if Brock was attracted to me, he would make a move without me practically forcing it on him.
Third, and this one is a doozy… Who in their right mind asks for intercourse? Why couldn’t I just be normal and call it sex? Even the f-bomb, although it’s not a word that’s normally in my vocabulary, would have been better than using such a clinical term.
Replaying my formal question to him in my mind right now is practically making me gag. There is a reason why self-conscious introverts keep to themselves, and this is it. When we try to put ourselves out there, we make complete asses of ourselves.
Apparently, I need my confidence boosting medical coat or the razzle-dazzle of a sparkly mermaid tail in order to interact appropriately with people outside of my immediate circle.
The way he is gaping at me makes it obvious that he’s at a loss for words. My idiocy has left him speechless. He’s probably desperately searching for a way to let me down easy that will keep things from being strained between us at work. I’ve made that mission impossible, though, with my brazen suggestion.
I managed to make myself sound like a total hussy, despite the fact that I’m about as far as can be from that. I’ve managed to put my lack of experience in the bedroom on full display before we even had a chance to make it out of his hallway.
I wrap my arms around my knees and stare down at them. It’s all I can do to keep from rocking back and forth to soothe myself, but I’ve already embarrassed myself enough in front of Brock tonight. I don’t need to show him all of my quirks.
Eventually, he answers, “There’s nothing I’d like more.”
The way he leaves the sentence dangling makes it obvious that more is coming. Wanting this torture to be over as quickly as possible, I verbally nudge him when he pauses. “But…”
“But I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he answers, confirming my suspicions that he was simply being flirtatious earlier. He clearly doesn’t see me in ‘that’ way.
“Okay, no worries,” I say in a rush, trying to sound as if I offer my body to men and get turned down every day––even though that’s the exact opposite of the truth.
When I scramble around to get up off the floor, Brock reaches out a gentle hand to stop me. “Wait. Let me explain.”
“No need.” I shake my head, keeping my eyes trained on the plush carpeting.
“Please.” His soft-spoken word does the trick. I freeze and wait for him to find a plausible excuse for turning down my offer––other than the fact that he simply doesn’t want me.
Finally, he says, “You’ve been through quite an ordeal today. You’re probably not in your right mind after the adrenaline rush of being trapped on the bottom of that pool for so long.”
I appreciate that he’s giving me an excuse for my shameless suggestion, even though I know it’s not the real reason why I came on to him. The truth is that I’ve been attracted to him since we first met years ago.
Granted, I’ve done everything in my power to shove those feelings down, but they refuse to be snuffed. It’s obvious though, by his refusal of my offer, that he doesn’t have that same undeniable yearning for me.
“I’m afraid that you would regret it in the morning if we were to do anything with each other tonight,” he murmurs in a soft, kind voice.
Leave it to this man to be sensitive and thoughtful, even when he’s shunning my advances. It makes him even more irresistible. Dammit!
Knowing I need to remove myself from this humiliating situation, I bob my head once and say, “You’re probably right.”
With that, I seize the opportunity to bolt. As soon as I close the guest bedroom door behind me, I lean back on it and curse my failed attempt at seducing Brock.
My lack of dating experience must have been painfully obvious to him. The dedication and laser focus I’ve had on learning since I was a young child has always been a source of immense pride for me, but it precluded me from going to parties, chatting with boys, or any of the other social norms that would have made me a more well-rounded person, who could easily tempt any man of my choosing into bed.
Unfortunately, I fear I’ve missed the window of opportunity for having a satisfying love life. The only men I see now are patients and dads at kid parties. Apparently, I’ve made my proverbial bed, so now I have to lie in it. Alone. All alone for the rest of my days. Ugh.