15. Brock
15
brOCK
W ell, that didn’t go as planned. At all.
I’d been intending to slowly begin to woo Caroline by patiently chipping away at the carefully erected, icy walls around her heart with my charm and sophistication. But the unpredictable, intriguing woman imploded that plan with her racy suggestion.
She couldn’t have surprised me more if she’d asked if I wanted to ride bikes around the neighborhood dressed in creepy clown costumes.
Unfortunately, my shock caused me to have a less than stellar reaction to her proposition. In fact, I fear that she may believe me to be uninterested in being with her. That is about as far as can be from the truth.
Dammit. I couldn’t have messed up this unbelievable opportunity more colossally if I had tried.
I’m closed inside my enormous bedroom, pacing back and forth on the thick carpeting like a caged, restless tiger.
I can’t leave things with Caroline like this, but I don’t know how to fix this misunderstanding. Every cell in my body is demanding that I stalk to her room and voraciously take her up on her marvelous offer, but something holds me back.
If I could be certain that being with me is what she truly wants, I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment. Unfortunately, I suspect that she only made the uncharacteristic invitation to prove something.
I just wish I knew if she’s trying to prove it to herself or someone else. If it’s something she wants for her own personal growth, I would be more than happy to oblige anything she wants in the bedroom. But if it’s some misguided attempt to appease someone else’s expectations of her, I’ll have no part of it.
The amazing woman doesn’t need to change at all––let alone for someone else. I do have to admit, though, the mere idea of being intimate with her is almost tempting enough for me to ignore my doubts about her motive and simply go for it. We can worry about the repercussions of our actions tomorrow.
But something about her innocence and vulnerability holds me back from acting on my base urges. In my heart, I know this isn’t something she does on a regular basis.
Curiosity and frustration swirl together in my brain making it foggy as I pace and sulk. Why me? Why now? Why the hell did I turn her away? Have I completely lost my mind?
No matter how much I try to hone in on her motivation, it still doesn’t make a lick of sense. She’s too good for me. Surely, she must see that.
Nausea churns in my gut over the realization that I have likely hurt her feelings. It was brave of her to put herself out there like that. Having her splendid offer turned down was likely devastating.
I hate having any part in something that could make her feel in any way inferior. I also despise how we left things tonight. There is no way I’ll be able to get any sleep with the fear hanging over my head that she may think I don’t want her.
Deciding that she likely isn’t asleep yet after our emotionally charged interaction, I stalk towards my bedroom door, intent on setting things right with her.
When I fling the door open, I almost stumble into Caroline as she is lifting a hand to knock. We both startle and stare at each other with wide eyes.
After an awkward chuckle, we both speak at the same time. She says, “I was just coming to…” as I say, “I couldn’t sleep until…”
We both pause and process what the other has said.
“You go first,” she offers.
“Ladies first,” I insist.
Caroline bobs her head once. Her expression is filled with determination as she says, “I was just coming to clear the air with you. I don’t want there to be any lingering tension or hard feelings between us over what happened earlier. It’s obvious that I made a mistake, and I apologize for misreading the signs.”
Staring down at the ground, she adds, “It’s not your fault that you don’t want me in that way, and I truly hope it won’t negatively affect our working relationship.”
I reach out to lift her chin, but her gaze is still downcast. “You have nothing to apologize for, and you didn’t misread any signs. I do want you like that––more than you can possibly imagine.”
Her eyes lift to search mine.
Locking gazes with her, I do my best to silently convey my complete sincerity.
She looks unconvinced, so I take her hands within mine as I say, “I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you. The more I’ve been around you and gotten to know you, the more my romantic feelings for you have grown.”
“That can’t be true.” She shakes her head, obviously not believing a word I’m saying. “You are just trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate that, but you don’t need to do it. I’m a grown woman, and a realist. I can handle the truth. It’s not like men are knocking down my door.”
“If they’re not, then they’re crazy,” I mutter, disgusted with my own kind for making this woman feel in any way unworthy of love.
“It’s okay.” She goes back to staring at the ground. “I’ve always been the dorky, smart girl, so I’m used to males completely looking past me. You’re not the first, and I’m sure you won’t be the last. I just wish I hadn’t pushed us into this uncomfortable situation.”
Even to my dense skull, it’s quickly becoming obvious that this woman truly believes herself to be undesirable. It makes absolutely no sense for her to have this distorted view of herself, and I want to put a stop to it right now.
Words clearly aren’t working, so I do the only thing that makes sense in this moment. I lean forward and crush my lips to hers.