Chapter 44
By the time we find the perfect shoes—silver stilettos with a delicate strap that goes around my ankle—I realize it's already time to meet Talia for dinner.
I don’t know how Liv can shop for so long. I’m starving, and I’m getting hangry. We get into Liv’s car and make our way to the restaurant.
“Ok, Miss Grumpy Pants, what’s eating you?”
“Too much shopping. Can’t function anymore. Need food.”
“Aww, poor baby,” she laughs. “Thanks for letting me do this. I know this isn’t your thing, Kat. But it was so fun for me, and I loved spending the day with you.”
“Aw, Liv, don’t go getting all mushy on me.
” I push her arm teasingly and giggle. “I’m glad we got to spend the day together.
We need to make plans to spend more weekends together.
I can’t go several months without seeing you in person again.
” I grab her hand and give it a little squeeze, which she returns.
We pull up to the restaurant, and Liv hands the keys over to the valet. It isn’t a fancy place, but the parking is terrible.
“Talia is already inside, and she has a table for us.”
“Bless that woman!” I look up to the sky in jest.
We find Talia and join her at the table.
“I’m just going to message Sam real quick.”
“And how are things going with loverboy?” Talia gives me a knowing look.
“Very well, I think.” I pull out my phone and focus on my message to Sam.
I found a dress. And shoes. I think you'll like them.
Aw, you got me shoes? But, Kat, I don't wear high heels.
I snort at his message and look up to Liv and Talia staring at me. I wave them off.
Shoes for me, silly boy.
Oh, thank god.
I'm glad you found something you like. I can't wait to see it.
Would it be weird if I told you I've missed you today? I know I just saw you this morning.
I've missed you, too.
I swear I can still taste you and it's making me miss you more. Especially that sweet cunt of yours.
My face flushes and heat surges to my core as I reread his message. Liv and Talia are looking at me again, and I drop my eyes in embarrassment.
OMG. I'm in the middle of a restaurant with Liv and Talia. I swear my cheeks are beet red.
Just like I like them. Call me later?
Yep. I’ll call when we get back to their place.
I put my phone away and look up at Liv and Talia, who are still staring at me with expectant gazes. “How long have you been staring at me?” I accuse.
Talia is quick to respond, “Long enough to know that whatever you were texting Sam caused you to blush.”
“And long enough to know you are in deeeeep with that man.” Liv raises an eyebrow at me.
“I think I am. I don’t even know what to say, but I am in deep.” I grimace as I look down at the menu in front of me.
“So why do you look terrified right now?”
“I’m not terrified,” I’m quick to answer. Am I terrified? Maybe. A little. “It's just a lot to take in sometimes. I’ve been in love with him for so long, and to know he loves me, too? It feels like I’m on the precipice of something huge.
“Like I have to jump off of this massive cliff, and if I do, the bottom will either be the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, or it’ll kill me.”
I take a moment to compose my thoughts by taking a long drink of my water.
“Sam is everything I ever hoped he would be and more. And sometimes that scares me.”
“What scares you about it?” Talia’s voice is soft as she leans back in her seat.
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way I do?” My knee involuntarily starts bouncing under the table, and I chew on my bottom lip.
“That’s always the scariest part about falling in love.
” Liv looks at Talia as she speaks. “Jumping—knowing it will either break you or somehow make you whole.” Talia smiles at Liv and dips her head in embarrassment.
Liv turns her attention back to me. “But the turmoil leading to the jump? It’s the worst kind of torture. ”
Liv raises Talia’s hand and kisses the back. “You have to decide, Kat. Either you embrace the fear and jump, knowing the possibility is huge, or you continue living in fear, knowing greatness will never come to fruition.”
“Sounds so poetic when you put it like that.”
Talia’s the one who responds, “Love is poetic. In the best and worst of ways.”
I think about what they both said while we look over the menu and the server takes our orders. I’m still thinking about whether I’m brave enough to jump off the cliff while we eat and when we return to the condo.
I know how it feels to love Sam and watch him choose someone else.
I know what it feels like to love Sam and lose him. And that was all before I ever actually had him.
Now? I’m not sure I could survive the jump.
***
I’m lying in my old bed when I finally call Sam.
“Hey, beautiful, how was your day?” He sounds happy, and I detect the slight slurring of his words.
“Too much shopping.” I chuckle. “But I had a good day. How about you?”
“It was great. We mostly played poker and drank all day.”
“Just how much drinking did you do, Sammy?” I try to keep my tone teasing.
“Just enough to still remember my name,” he laughs at his own joke.
I’m worried about him. “Are you home?” I sit up in bed unable to lie down until I know he's safe.
“Yeah, I ordered a ride. I’ll have to go pick up my bike tomorrow morning. The problem is, you aren’t here, and all I want to do is snuggle up to you so I can smell your lavender hair.”
“Lavender hair?” Oh my God, drunk Sam is excellent.
“Yeah, my love. Your hair smells like lavender. I really like it.”
I try to hold back my giggle. “What else do you want to do?” I just want to know what he’ll say in his drunken state.
“I want to soak my cock with your pussy. I want to taste myself on your lips. I want to fuck you so hard you can’t walk tomorrow.” His voice, still drunk, goes husky with desire.
I want all those things, too. But my conversation with Liv and Talia comes rushing back, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I want to jump, but what if Sam doesn’t want the same thing?
“Kat? You still there?”
Realizing I haven’t said anything for long enough, Sam must think the call dropped, so I quickly say, “All of that sounds great, Sam.”
“Kat? What’s wrong?” He suddenly sounds sober.
Trying to recover so he doesn’t detect my insecurities, I quickly respond, “Nothing. I miss you, is all.”
“I miss you, too.” He doesn’t sound convinced.
I’m not convinced either.
“What time will you be heading back tomorrow?”
“Liv and Talia want to get brunch, so I’ll leave after that. Are you going to be there?”
“I’ll be impatiently waiting for you at home.” He yawns, and I realize how tired I feel.
“I guess it's time to get some sleep.” I don’t want to hang up, but I’m not sure I can stay on the phone with him either. My feelings are too tangled up, and I don’t want him digging into them right now.
He must detect my off tone because when he responds, his words sound strained. “Yeah, ok. I hope you sleep well, Kat.” He takes a brief pause before adding, “I love you.” It comes out almost like a question.
“I love you, too, Sammy. Goodnight.” My voice is too quiet.
“Goodnight.” He sounds sad, and I hate that I’ve ruined his mood. I hang up before I can say anything more.
There’s no stopping the tears that stream down my cheeks. The last several months have been riddled with so many high emotions, and I almost feel like I haven’t processed anything.
I went from trying to avoid everyone to relying on Liv to get me through, then moving home and throwing myself into my new job, all while avoiding the fact that I’m living in my brother’s condo because he's no longer there.
Then, when Sam moved back to Charleston, I threw myself into him. I know that with Sam, I’m scared he’ll break my already broken heart.
I curl up under the blankets and allow myself to feel all the things I’ve been holding back.
The loss of Ethan is overwhelming, and I let the tears fall.
I let the pain soak into my bones and overtake me.
It isn’t long before Liv quietly walks into my room and climbs under the blankets with me. She lies next to me, gently stroking my hair. She doesn’t say anything, just lets me know she’s here while I let the tears fall until there’s nothing left.