CHAPTER 29
How offended will Mils get if I walk away? She’s snapped at least a thousand photos in the hour we’ve been taking pictures. I’ve posed by almost every tree doing the most ridiculous things. Like turning my head over my shoulder and staring at the acorn with a longing for my mate.
I’ve hugged a tree.
That’s not in the book. Why the heck am I snuggling with scratchy bark? Millie claimed she had a reason, but I’m starting to think she’s messing with me.
“Millie?” I call out from my current position, which is this: feet shoulder distance apart, arms raised to the sky, fingers extended, my head tilting back like I’m looking at the sun, my expression ‘open and ready to be time-warped’ from present day to the late 1800s where the love of my life lives.
Thinking back to when Mils asked me to do this, I’m fairly confident I specified no shots of my face. Why then do I need to act?
“Yes, Schnookums?” she says teasingly.
“I’m expecting a pretty big payment for this, considering you’re breaking the rules of our agreement.”
Her camera clicks a dozen times in quick succession. “Whatever do you mean?” she asks coyly.
“Photos of my face?”
“Ah. Sorry. A photographer must capture beauty when she sees it. What do you have in mind as payback?”
“Go hiking with me tomorrow.”
“Hmm,” she hums. “What type of hike are we talking about here? A three to five mile with a slight incline or ten to twelve miles with a two-thousand-foot elevation gain?”
“Would it matter which one I said?”
Her laugh is carefree. “No. You could tell me we’re jumping out of a plane, and I’d do it. We made a deal, and your family needs to keep seeing us together.”
I drop my arms and turn over my shoulder to look at her. “Maybe I’ll think of something more… adventurous for us to do instead?” Just kidding. I’m not into extreme sports after Jen’s accident.
“Stay like that.” She puts the camera up to her eye and clicks a few more times, then checks the digital display. Millie walks toward me, keeping eye contact the entire time, a sneaky smile on her face.
Instantly, I’m on guard.
She stops right in front of me, her hands clasping behind her back. “Bennett?” she says, sweet as honey.
I quirk a brow. “Yes, Mils?”
“Have you ever considered being a model?”
“Never.”
She clicks her tongue as she shakes her head. “That’s too darn bad. You’d be good. Guess I’ll save the best photos for myself.”
I smile flirtatiously, something that’s becoming easier and easier around Mils. “Want me to take my shirt off? You seem to like me best that way.” Reaching for the hem of my shirt, I slowly pull upward.
She shoots an arm toward me. “Unnecessary. That image is burned into my retinas.”
“Why are you saying burn like it”s a bad thing in this situation? As my fake girlfriend, you’re free to take a gander whenever you want.”
Millie swallows hard. “Yeah.” Her voice is strained. “It won’t be necessary, but thanks.”
I shrug. “Your loss.” Too bad. I like seeing her blush.
“Question,” she says, holding up a finger. “If we go hiking tomorrow, can I plan our next date after that?”
Am I brave enough to give her control? “Depends. What do you have in mind?”
“Nuh-uh.” She shakes her head. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”
I fold my arms across my chest, leaning against the nearest tree. “I’m old. Surprises and I don’t get along well anymore. Makes me wet my adult diapers.”
She snorts out a quick laugh before her expression changes to one of empathy. “You’re not old, Bennett.”
Then why do I feel like I am? “You’re right, I’m seasoned in life.”
“That’s why you need me. To remind you of your youth.”
“You certainly do that.” Which is a nice change. Spending time with Mils keeps my mind off my grief. She makes me laugh and makes me feel wanted. “When you’re my age, where do you see yourself?”
She turns to face me. “You’re not that much older than me, Bennett. And what is this? A job interview?”
“Do you not like setting goals or picturing what your future might look like?” Not that I ever could have imagined the way my marriage ended.
“Oh, no, I do. You just made it sound like I’m being interviewed for some position I had no idea I’d applied for.”
“What if I am seeing if you”re qualified?”
She puts her hands on her hips. “Do I get to know what for?”
I smirk. “Soon.”
She scrunches her nose at me in a playful way. “Well, Mr. Inquisitive, when I’m thirty, I hope to be established in my career, married, and starting a family soon.”
All things I imagined for myself as well. At least I have my career on the trajectory I want. “How big of a family do you want?” Jen and I talked about trying to get pregnant right before she died. We both wanted kids before we turned thirty. It’s too late for me, but Millie has time.
“At least two kids, but I’m open to more if my husband wants them.”
“Do you want to stay in Massachusetts after graduation?”
“I fell in love with Amherst when I looked at pictures when applying to colleges. After living there for five years, it’s hard to imagine going somewhere else. But it really depends on where I find a job after graduation. Amherst isn’t big like Boston or New York.”
True. Bigger cities provide more opportunities, but being a small fish at a big company isn’t always the best move. Mid-size or small firms might give her the chance to truly shine and get recognized for who she is rather than being a number in a pool. “But you’re not itching to leave?”
“No. Evie and I talked about staying there together after graduation. Dreams don’t always have a way of working out though. I’m trying not to get too attached to the idea.”
No kidding. My dreams blew up like a grenade dropped onto a crate full of TNT. “What dream of yours hasn”t come true?”
“These seem like deep questions, which you told me to avoid on a first date.”
“Humor me.”
She checks the watch on her wrist. “How much time do you have?”
Pushing off the tree, I make my way to where Millie is standing. “For you? All day.”
“Awww. You’re really sweet when you want to be.”
My lips tilt up in a quick smile. “I’ll add that to my profile. Now, back to your dreams. Tell me what happened.”
Millie goes to the picnic blanket laid out across the boulder. She puts her camera in her black bag, fiddling with the zipper. Her tone is a mix of vulnerability and pain. “My parents weren’t the easiest to get along with. I tried my entire childhood to do things that would make them proud. Instead, it seemed like all I did was get in their way. They fought all the time. As much as I fell in love with UMass, I honestly didn’t care where I ended up for college as long as it was away from home. I felt bad for abandoning my sister. I told her she would always have a place to stay with me once she graduated high school, but she didn’t want to come to Massachusetts. My dream of always being close to her was crushed the moment I left home. I miss her. We used to talk and play for hours growing up. It was us against the world.”
She wraps her arms around her stomach, as if protecting herself. There’s an overwhelming urgency rising in me to protect her.
She continues, “Then there’s been my dating life.” She chuckles self-deprecatingly. “I have this knack of finding men who are only looking for a good time. It will be nice after your help to find someone who’s interested in more than a hook-up.” She looks away from me. “But maybe it”s for the best that I haven’t found a partner in life yet. My parents didn’t exactly set a good example of a healthy relationship. Maybe that’s why I’m single. I don’t know how to be a good girlfriend.”
My heart is heavy. I want to take away her pain and insecurities. From what I’ve seen of Mils, she’ll be the best partner anyone could ask for.
“Hey.” I scoot over to her, pulling her into my side, wrapping my arm around her back. “You are not your parents. And maybe their bad example is what you needed to see in order for you to understand what it is you don’t want in a relationship. The fact that you’re sharing this with me? That you’re open and honest? You’re doing a lot better than you think you are.”
I rub my hand up and down her arm. “Jen and I didn’t have a perfect marriage. No one does. But what we did have was communication, trust, and choosing the other person every day.”
One thing dating and marriage taught me is no one relationship, no one communication style, is the same. What worked for one woman I dated didn’t always work for the next. It’ll be hard for her to figure out what is best, but as long as she’s willing to give it her all, she’ll be fine.
She nods. “Good advice. Umm… Another dream that hasn’t worked out quite as planned is how long it’s taken to get my degree. Evs only has one more year until she graduates with her master’s. I’m barely starting mine. I thought I’d be like everyone else and finish school in six years, but I’m on my own to pay for my living expenses and schooling. It’s taken longer than I wanted. Being an adult is expensive.”
Compared to some of my students, Millie is adulting admirably. “I don”t know what it’s like to be on your own for everything, but I can tell you there’s no limit on how long it should take. My grandma went back to college in her fifties to earn a master’s degree. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else, Millie.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know, but you’re amazing. Remember that.”
“I’ll try.” She picks up her camera. “Now, are you ready for a few last photos?”
I groan. “I’m really not. You’ll have to use what you have. This model is done.”
“Fine.” She pushes back against my shoulder until we’re both lying on our backs, staring at the cumulus clouds slowly drifting across the sky. “Tell me about your dreams for the future. What do you want, Bennett?”
The same as always. Too bad I won’t have them. “Before Jen died, I wanted a family sooner rather than later. I wanted to volunteer at my children’s school and coach their little league teams. I wanted to take my kids to other countries and let them experience different cultures and customs. I wanted to do what I can to make the community I live in a better place for those in need. I wanted to write a book one day. But mostly? I wanted a future to look forward to.” Rather than a past I can’t get away from.
Millie shifts, leaning on her elbow, and stares me right in the eye. “I am one hundred percent confident you can still get what you want, Bennett.”
My eyes narrow the slightest. “And how can you guarantee that?” Experience has taught me otherwise.
“Because of how amazing you are.” She places a soft, friendly kiss on the corner of my brow, then settles by my side again.
I want to believe her. But how? What she”s saying is impossible.
We stay on the rock, pointing out different shapes in the clouds for the next hour. My body is like putty, soft and relaxed. This lazy summer afternoon with Millie is perfect. There’s no pressure, stress, or hiding how I feel. I’m simply me, and for the first time in a while, I’m peaceful.
A feeling I almost forgot existed.