CHAPTER 32
“What are you two doing in here?” I ask Eric and Evie, who are sitting in the middle row of recliners in our home theater. Evie’s halfway on Eric’s lap. How is he watching anything with Evie blocking his view?
Hello, dude, they’re making out. Get with it.
Evie points to the screen. “Watching Top Gun,” she says, like the answer is quite obvious. “What are you doing down here?”
“Millie and I were going to watch a show. But not if we’re interrupting something.”
“You’re welcome to join us,” Eric says. “There are plenty of seats.”
Top Gunis a great movie. Looking at Evie, I raise my brows, silently asking her thoughts. Is she okay if we interrupt her kissing time?
Her nose flares and she minutely shakes her head.
Message received loud and clear. “That’s nice of you to offer, man, but I don’t want to barge in. Have fun, guys.” I wave, then shut the door behind me.
Great. There goes that plan. Everyone else is busy this afternoon, and for the sake of our pretense, Millie and I should spend time together as well. Though it certainly didn’t seem like she wanted anything to do with me after boating this morning when I reminded her of our status. Maybe this fake dating thing is harder for her than it is for me?
We barely told everyone we were together though. She can’t back out on me now. Not before the summer ends. I need to find out what’s actually going on with her.
I stay in the hallway, massaging my temples. Footsteps thud down the stairs. Taking a deep breath, I brace myself for the conversation ahead.
“Hey,” Mils says, coming to stand in front of me. “Ready to go in?” She points to the door beside me.
I shake my head. “Change of plans.” Pushing off the wall, I lead Millie up the stairs. “Evie and Eric are already watching a movie.”
“You didn’t want to join them?”
“No, I didn’t.”
Millie laughs. “Evie’s grateful for that, I’m sure. What are we doing instead?”
Her laughter eases my worries from this morning. We get to the main floor, and I lead Millie out the side entrance to the garage where my SUV is. “I want to show you something.”
“Will we be back in time for tonight?”
“You have my word.”
“Then let’s go.”
I open the passenger side door for her, then climb into the driver’s side. “What kind of music do you like?” I ask, starting my Range Rover.
Millie clicks her seatbelt in place. “I’m not too picky. What about you?”
“Anything from ‘80s classic rock to indie pop rock.”
“Solid choices. I’ll let you be the DJ.”
I shake my head. “I’m driving. The passenger gets control of the radio. Car rules.”
“What other car rules do you have besides wanting to be the one who drives?”
“The usual. Passenger gets to choose the music, no eating unless we’re on a road trip, no sticky drinks, and the gas can’t get below half a tank, no matter who’s driving.”
Someone has strong feelings about his car. “Ah, okay. I found something we disagree about.”
Pulling onto the main highway leading out of Stokesley, I ask, “What?”
She raises her shoulders. “I’m a ‘let’s see how long we can make it after the gas light turns on’ kind of person.”
My immediate reaction is to tell her how unsafe that is. What if she gets caught on a freeway for hours because of traffic or weather? What if she gets hurt, but doesn’t have enough gas to get her or a friend to the hospital?
But another thought occurs to me before I can open my mouth. What if she’s like that out of necessity? What if she can’t afford to fill up and runs her tank on fumes because of that?
“If the gas thing is our only issue, I think our friendship will survive.”
“Evie says I snore,” she admits in a rush, like if we hurry and say all our flaws, they won’t matter.
If she wants to play this game, I’m pretty sure I’ll lose. Or win, depending on how the score is calculated. “I refuse to have a television in my bedroom. Before falling asleep at night, I need an hour without a screen in my face.”
“I burp like Homer Simpson whenever I drink soda.”
Does she really? “Ha! I’d like to witness that.” Otherwise, I’m not sure I believe her.
“You say that now. Wait until it’s bedtime and I can’t stop.”
Yeah, that sounds gross. “I leave dirty dishes in the sink more often than not.”
“I do too.”
I have one most people think is weird. “I don’t like leftovers.”
“Some food tastes better the next day. You’re missing out.”
“You’re lying. Name one.”
She tsks. “Easy. Chili, lasagna, beef stew, shepherd’s pie.”
Nope. I’ve had all of those the day after, and not a single one tasted better than the night before. “Yeah, I’m good. You can have all the leftovers whenever we share meals.”
“Done deal.”
I tap my fingers on the steering wheel, trying to come up with another character trait of mine. “I’d rather be too early than late.”
“Ugh, late people suck.”
“Your best friend sucks, huh? Should I call her and tell her that?”
Mils pulls her phone out of her back pocket, handing it to me. “Go right ahead. Evie is well aware her tardiness gets on my nerves.”
I laugh. “Got it. I can’t stand long toenails on me or anyone else.”
“I bite my nails when I’m stressed.” She holds her hand up. “I painted mine red to hide how short they are right now. Finals kicked my trash this semester.”
“Is it weird to admit I like women with red painted nails?”
“Is it a fetish of yours?”
I shoot her a grossed-out look. “Ew, no. Growing up, my neighbor”s mom always had her nails painted red. I’m not sure if she really liked the color or what, but when I was little, it made her seem put together somehow. I don’t know, it’s silly, but I like it.”
She laughs. “That’s way less creepy than I was imagining.”
“Not being creepy is a life goal of mine.”
She pats my shoulder. “Pretty sure you’re nailing it.”
“I sing in the shower.” Seriously, man? Some secrets aren’t meant to be shared.
Millie smiles at me. “What are we talking about here? Opera? Rock?”
“Whatever’s playing on my phone.”
“Are you any good?” She shakes her head. “Nope, never mind. I don’t care if you sing totally off-key. I must witness this.”
“Uhhhh… Not going to happen. Sorry.” How did she imagine that scenario playing out? Her showering with me? An image of Millie standing in my bathroom, watching me through the clear glass door, swims in my mind. “Is it suddenly hot in here?” I crank the air conditioning up.
“I think it’s just you,” she teases.
“I bring my own pillowcase and sheets when I travel. Lysol wipes too for the light switches, doorknobs, and remote.” Germs, yes. That’s an excellent subject that doesn’t bring to mind Millie naked.
“Is it because of that documentary they did, testing different surfaces in a hotel room?”
I shudder. “Yes. Have you seen it too?”
She dry heaves. “For the record, I’ve never stayed in a hotel, but yeah. The body hair, the bodily fluids, the dander. Blech. All of it grosses me out.”
“Nice to know when we travel, we need to save space in our suitcases for sheets.”
Millie doesn’t say anything.
Glancing at her, I see she’s grinning with a softness in her eyes like she’s the luckiest woman in the world.
“What’s that gorgeous smile for?”
“That entire sentence.”
“Traveling and sheets?” I don’t understand. Why does that make her so happy?
She sniffles. “Yeah.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you crying? What’s wrong?” How did we get from smiling to crying so quickly?
Taking another quick glance at her, I see a tear slide down her cheek. “They’re happy tears. I can’t believe you and Evie have offered to travel with me someday. You’re dream makers.”
That’s being extremely generous. “I’m really not.”
“Whatever,” she says, like I’m being stubborn. “Do you have any napkins in here?” She opens my glove compartment, rifling through it.
“I don’t, I’m sorry.”
She swipes at her eyes.
I turn my blinker on, edging to the right. An overlook of Lake Lloyd is a short walk down a dirt path. Seeing the lake in its entirety is breathtaking. Parking, I get out and open Millie’s door for her. “About five minutes down this trail is a beautiful view of the lake. There are benches we can sit on for a bit until you’re ready to go.”
“Lead the way.”
We stay quiet on the short jaunt. A family with two smaller kids and an older couple are sitting, enjoying the view of the kidney-shaped lake. Millie and I head to the left, away from the other people.
“Breakfast or dinner?” Millie asks.
“Dinner. Preferably one I don’t make.”
“You keep making waffles and bacon, and I’ll do dinner.”
“I’m fine with what you just said because I hope when we get back to Amherst we’ll keep hanging out, but if we were dating for real, again, comments like that are too soon.”
Her shoulders sag. “Right. I’ll learn eventually.”
“You’re doing great, Mils.”
“Sure, I am. Ice or fire?”
“Who has a preference for ice or fire?” Some of her questions are ridiculous. I like ice in my beverages and fire on cool nights. Saying one is better than the other is pointless.
“Some people might.”
“Do you?”
She shakes her head. “Nope. Totally indifferent over here.”
The families behind us leave, and I guide us to the bench. Sitting, I stare out at the lake, letting memories from every summer come over me. Including the last one with Jen.
Millie’s become a friend the past month and a half. I’m comfortable with her and want her to understand why I’ll never get over Jen. Maybe sharing this secret I carry around will help Mils see why I’m broken and truly can’t handle moving on.
“Do you see that island out there?” I point to a small formation on the right side of the lake.
“The one with only two pine trees on it?”
“That’s the one. When I was seven, I begged my dad to take me out there. I wanted to explore like Christopher Columbus. My dad kept telling me no, that specific island was dangerous. I didn’t believe him. I thought he was being lazy and didn’t want to get the boat out.
“After weeks of begging, he finally relented. I showed up at the dock in my swimsuit, flip-flops, and a notebook ready to scout out everything we found. When my dad came down, he was in long pants and tennis shoes. I was confused and remember asking him why he was dressed like that. All he told me was, ‘you’ll see.’
“As we approached the island, I kept seeing things move on the sand. I thought they were crabs or something. When we dropped anchor, I refused to get off the boat.” A shiver moves through me, remembering what I saw.
“Bennett, you can’t stop there. What happened?”
“Thousands of spiders, crawling everywhere.”
She pushes my shoulder. “You were seven. I bet you”re exaggerating.”
I slowly shake my head. “I assure you I”m not. I’ll take you out there if you want, but we all give that place a wide berth.”
“I kind of want to see it because I’m not sure you’re remembering right, but I’m also not a big spider fan, so…”
I can handle one arachnid on its own. Tens of thousands? It’s enough to give anyone the heebie jeebies. “The reason I told you that story is because there have only been two other times in my life when I’ve been that scared.”
Millie eyes me. Lines appear around her eyes and across her forehead. “When were the other times?”
“When Jen fell when we were mountain climbing. The crunch of her body hitting the ground haunts me to this day.” Bile shoots to the back of my throat as the sound replays in my head.
“Oh, Bennett.” Millie says with compassion, wrapping an arm around me until I’m being side hugged by her.
Her steady touch gives me the courage to continue. “I was so scared, Mils. Blood pooled everywhere. Her arm and leg were at odd angles.” My next words get caught in my throat. Tears sting the back of my eyes. “I thought she was dead. She should have died. But like the fighter she was, she hung on. For six more months.”
I clear my throat, trying to get the emotions stuck there unclogged. “Those were the longest six months of my life. I took a sabbatical from work the first month, staying by Jen’s side. I read to her, talked to her, watched old movies and made comments about the parts we liked. No matter what I did or said, Jen stayed in a coma. Her condition not improving, not worsening. No brain activity. With every day that passed, the doctors warned me she”d be a vegetable if she ever woke up.
“Six months after—” Tears pool in my eyes. I rub at them, trying to get them to stop coming, but it’s useless. The pain in my heart can’t be eased by any other means than by letting the tears flow.
Millie rubs my back. “Take your time, Bennett. I’m not going anywhere.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Six months after she arrived at the hospital, the doctors approached me with some papers. The odds of Jen waking up and living anything resembling a normal life were slim to none. They wanted me to make a decision. Keep her alive by machine, or give her body and soul the rest it deserves. That was the third time in my life when I was scared out of my mind. My hand shook so badly when I signed the papers, my signature was unrecognizable.”
Millie sniffles. Her voice is wobbly as she says, “I didn’t know. Evie didn’t tell me much about what happened to Jen except that she fell while rock climbing. Oh, Bennett. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you went through.”
A fresh wave of tears, along with a pain so deep in my core, drops me on all fours in the dirt. “I killed her, Millie. I took her life away. Our life. Our hopes and dreams. I don’t deserve happiness, or a chance at another relationship. My punishment is to be alone until we’re reunited.”
She gets on the ground next to me. Both of her arms wrap around me. She pulls until I’m sitting between her legs, her head resting on my shoulder. “I’ve got you, B.”
I cover my face with my hands, letting sobs rack through my body. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought possible the last three years. It still shouldn’t hurt this much.
Her tone is soothing as she says, “It’s the guilt talking. Bennett, you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t need to punish yourself or carry this burden alone. I’m here, and like it or not, I’m not going anywhere. You deserve to be happy again. I’ll help you through this until you recognize you are worthy of living a full life. Jen loved you. Don’t you think if the roles were reversed, you’d want her to move on? That you wouldn’t hold her accountable for being brave enough to make such a difficult decision?”
I can’t respond. Yes, Jen loved me, but that doesn’t negate what I did.
We stay like this for what feels like ages. Me crying, Millie holding me, whispering reassurances she won’t leave me.
“I’m sorry. You probably don’t want anything to do with a murderer. I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Bennett, no.” She scoots until she’s in front of me. She places her palms on either side of my face, forcing me to look at her. She’s blurry through my tears. “You did not kill Jen. It was an accident that took her life, not you.”
I’m stunned she didn’t demand we tell everyone we’re no longer together because I’m a monster. Doesn’t she get it? “But I’m the one who signed the papers, Mils,” I say firmly. “I’m the one who had to tell her parents what I’d decided without them.”
“Relying on a machine to keep you breathing is not a life, Ben.”
“What if she woke up? What if a month later, she would have woken up and lived a normal life again?”
“Did the doctors say that was a possibility?”
“No,” I whisper, feeling helpless and hopeless all over again.
Millie kisses my forehead. It’s tender and sweet and breaks me in a new way. “You made the right decision, B. My heart is shattered for you and for Jen. But please, please believe me when I say you did not kill her. Please let go of the guilt. This wasn’t your fault.”
“I’ve tried for three years.”
Millie lets go of my face and wraps her arms around me again. “Then I’ll be here to hold you for as long as you need. Until you know, like the rest of us, that her accident wasn’t your fault.”
“You’re absolutely sure you want anything to do with me after what I told you?”
“More than anything.”
We’re quiet on the way home. I’m lost in my pain. Memories of Jen and the hospital. Millie must sense I need a little time, because she doesn’t fill the silence like she’s prone to do.
Twenty minutes later, we’re back at the house. Millie doesn’t wait for me to open the car door for her. I’d take it as a sign she’s mad at me, except I think she’s as weighed down by our conversation as I am. At least, I hope that’s all it is.
“I’m going to journal before dinner,” Millie says as we walk in the side door. “See you later?”
“I’m sorry I dumped all of that on you. I felt like you needed to know why I can’t risk loving someone again.”
She flashes me a sad smile. “You’ve been very clear since we met you’re unavailable. I’ve received the message. Thank you for telling me about what happened with Jen though. I know that couldn’t have been easy, but I appreciate you opening up to me. And like I said, I’m not going anywhere. You don’t need to worry about that, okay?”
Then what do I need to worry about? Because she isn’t quite herself. “Okay. I’ll see you in a bit.” I wave goodbye, then head up the staircase to my room. Why did I do this on a holiday? Have I ruined the Fourth of July forever?
The second I walk into my room, the walls close in on me. I can’t be here right now. Heading out the back of the house, I go to my rock, the place that settles my mind more than any other.
The sun beats down on me, warming my skin. Beads of sweat dot my hairline and lower back. I should move into the shade before I burn, but I can’t. This uncomfortableness reminds me I’m alive.
“Jen, do you want me to move on? Do you want me to have a second chance at a relationship? Not many people find love like ours. How do I let someone else in? Will you hate me if I fulfill our dreams without you? How do I let go of you enough to let someone else in without forgetting about you completely?” Emotions clog my eyes and tear ducts.
I wait for a response, but nothing happens. Wrestling with these questions, I think about what Millie said.
“Jen, your death wasn’t my fault. Was it? If I choose to believe Millie and lift this burden from my shoulders, am I honoring you or betraying you? Do I need to stop putting my guilt as my focal point once and for all? You know I’ll always have our memories of us, right? What would happen if I let go of the fake status on my relationship with Millie and took my time investing in her? I don’t want to hurt Millie. If we date and I decide I can’t do it, I can’t be with someone who isn’t you, I’d feel awful for getting her hopes up. Because I’m pretty sure she wants our relationship to be more than friends. And I never thought I’d want anyone else, but the way Millie reacted after I told her about you, she didn’t run or want nothing to do with me like I thought. She supported me and reassured me over and over she’d stay by my side. Who does that after hearing what I did?
“Millie. That’s who she is. After today, I can see myself falling for her. If I’m laying all my cards down, and I don’t say this to hurt you, belle, but if my walls weren’t up, keeping everyone out, I think I’d have fallen for her already.”
I scrub my hands through my hair. Annoyed at myself. Confused. Wanting a clear answer. For any of this to make sense. “What should I do?”
A twig snaps behind me. Swinging around, I look at what made the noise.
Standing there frozen in place with lips slightly parted and eyes wide, is Millie.