CHAPTER 33
Surely my ears are failing me. Did I hear Bennett correctly? If his guard was down, he’d want our relationship to be real? Impossible. Not an hour ago, he reiterated for the twentieth time he wasn’t interested in anyone else but Jen.
Am I dreaming?
“Millie, hey!” Bennett says way too brightly. His face is red and his eyes are glassy. “Uh, how long have you been standing there?”
Shoot. Do I play this off as not having heard him or be forthright? An Awkward Situations 101 manual would come in handy right about now. “Long enough,” I say vaguely.
He crumples to the stump. “You heard all of it, didn’t you?”
There’s no point hiding now. He saw me. I’m totally busted and denying I overhead his conversation only puts mistrust between us. Not a burden we can add to our already complicated situation. “Most of it. Yeah.”
He stands, walking toward me, stopping inches away. “I’m a mess. I don’t know what I want. You’ve been incredible and dang it, Mils, it would be super helpful if you weren’t sweet, fun, and gorgeous. I’m riding this line between honoring my late wife and finally acknowledging how I actually feel about you.”
I put my hands up, like none of this is my fault and this decision rests directly with him. “Obviously, I haven’t been as subtle or as great of a fake girlfriend as I thought. I honestly did my best to keep things on a friendship-only level, but from the moment we met in the lake, my crush on you started. And it’s only deepened as we’ve spent more time together. But I don’t want to overwhelm you or make you feel like I’m forcing you to move on from Jen. I will respect whatever you decide, and please don’t think you have to figure this out today or even this month. I told you I’d keep going as your fake girlfriend until we get back to Amherst, and I will regardless of what you decide to do.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders, and just like when he did this when we played pickleball back in May, electricity zings through me. “If I don’t give us a try, I’ll never know. And that’s a regret I can’t live with. Especially not when I have as many regrets as I already do. This is absolutely crazy and not something I thought possible, but Millie, will you go out with me for real?”
I stop myself from shouting an immediate yes. Stop the dream of kids and traveling and Sunday snuggles. We have things to discuss first. “As you’ve witnessed, I jump ahead easily in relationships. If we do this, I need you to keep calling me out and slowing me down. This is new for us both, and I don’t want to scare you or do what I’ve always done in the past and lose you because of it.”
“I can do that.”
“Thank you. Also, I’ve never dated someone who was married before. I need you to understand it’s going to be hard for me too, just like it will be for you. I may get caught up in my own head thinking you prefer Jen, or that I did things the same way she did.”
Bennett moves to my side, putting an arm around my shoulders, tugging me in to him. “If it happens, I need you to tell me so we can work through it together. I won’t intentionally compare you, but I also can’t guarantee I won’t accidentally say something that makes you feel that way.”
I needed that reassurance. “I’ll promise to always tell you what I’m thinking and feeling if you do the same. I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose me over Jen or that you can’t talk about her around me. I mean, it is hard to hear about her because it’s clear as day how much you love her, but I’m not so callous or heartless as to think she won’t be part of our relationship. I get you’ll want to celebrate her birthday and anniversary, and I support that. As long as you understand that while I’m there for you, a part of me will be jealous and insecure.” Pulling away from Bennett, I wince. “Maybe that last part was a little too honest.”
He pulls me back under his arm. I gladly melt into him. I’m safe with Bennett. “I’m glad you shared that with me. Brutal honesty is necessary in order for us to work through this.”
“Thank you, Bennett. I appreciate you taking the time to explain and accepting my feelings in return. We’ve discussed a lot of heavy topics today. How about we go play a game or do something easy and fun?”
He rests his head on top of mine. “Oh, yes. I’m drained.”
“But happy?” I’m emotionally exhausted as well, but I hope he feels some excitement about making a decision and the possibility of what our future holds.
“Yeah, Mils. I’m happy.”
Relief loosens the tightness in my limbs. Phew.
Here’s to dating Bennett Williams for real.