Chapter Thirty-Five
The three of us are seated at the long kitchen island, shovelling bacon and eggs into our mouths. We’re on our second coffee each and are trying not to make too much noise while we talk, so we don’t wake my mum.
It’s nice, this. Just like old times, minus Liv.
But for the first time in ages the four of us are back on speaking terms. I’m elated, although I realise that Ollie and I almost undid all the hard work, by nearly kissing.
That is what was about to happen, wasn’t it?
We were about to kiss each other. And I wanted it.
I still do. I’d blame the champagne, but it wore off ages ago. Being near Ollie makes me happy.
I look at Ollie, who is studying his plate instead of looking back at me.
And my gaze falls on Ben. What would he do if he found out?
Did he see how close we were? I adore these two men, but in such different ways.
I’m just not sure what ways yet. Ben makes me laugh the way he always did, surprising me as we talk, moving from subject to subject as frenetically as ever.
He talks about Liv and James and I cast a glance at Ollie, curious about what he thinks of Liv’s new boyfriend.
‘He’s nice,’ Ollie says, still not looking at me.
‘Blah-blah-blah,’ Ben replies, which makes both me and Ollie laugh. ‘What do you really think? Now that you met him tonight.’
‘If he makes Liv happy – and I’m guessing he does – then he’s doing better than I did,’ Ollie counters. ‘Because I didn’t make her happy. So I’m pleased for her. I think I’ll always love her, though, a bit.’
Ben’s eyebrows rise skywards.
‘Not like that,’ Ollie’s quick to say. ‘But she’s Liv: she’s my ex, my first proper girlfriend, now my friend, and we’re doing OK as friends. So as long as James doesn’t mind me and Liv being mates, then—’
‘I doubt he cares,’ Ben scoffs. ‘Have you seen his arms? The size of those things. You’re no threat to him.’
‘Thanks, mate,’ Ollie says flatly and I snigger into my coffee cup. Sometimes Ben is just too much. Ollie catches my eye, finally, and we share a tiny moment. And, to me, it feels like everything. There is a connection there, isn’t there? I’m not imagining this.
‘Do you think,’ Ben starts, ‘that if you asked Liv to get back with you, she would? I always used to think she’d come running if you tried.’
‘Oh my God, Ben!’ I cry. ‘You shit-stirrer.’
‘I’ll bet she would,’ Ben continues, ignoring me. ‘I’ll bet she’d drop James in a heartbeat if you showed proper interest this time. You’re the one that got away. Despite the fact she dumped you.’
‘Be quiet,’ Ollie chastises, looking to me for help.
‘I don’t think she would,’ I jump in dutifully. ‘She and James, they’re happy. It’s new, but they’re very alike. You and Liv were nothing like each other,’ I say to Ollie. ‘And neither of you was happy. It’s all worked out for the best in the end.’
‘Sometimes I wonder,’ Ben starts up again.
But I don’t even care what he wants to say next.
I think he needs to shut up and drink his coffee, eat his breakfast. I curse his relentless energy.
I forgot how high he could be one moment, how low the next.
I used to love that energy. Now my head hurts.
It might be the champagne, though, the lack of sleep, the hangover that’s beginning.
And then Ben surprises me by saying, ‘Sometimes I wonder if you and I might get back together,’ but his eyes don’t meet mine and he’s looking at his plate.
‘Er … no,’ I reply gently, reaching for the juice.
‘That’s you told,’ Ollie says, aiming for lightness, although he gives Ben a Stop it look.
‘You’re not serious, are you?’ I ask as I spy the look passing between them.
Ollie’s gone quiet, assessing this impending car crash in slow motion.
‘No, don’t think so. I just struggle, you know, to work out what I’m doing and where I’m going; and you were a rock, a safety net, you all were – and … sorry, never mind,’ Ben goes on.
The mood has changed in here so quickly.
‘Don’t be sorry,’ I reply. ‘Please, say what you want to, although …’ I trail off. We aren’t getting back together. It’s not going to happen. But I don’t want to hurt him when he looks so vulnerable.
Ben seems like he’s going to cry. I put my hand on his and give Ollie a pleading glance. Ollie inches forward on his bar stool, puts his hand on Ben’s other arm.
‘I think it’s going back to that time in my head,’ Ben says. ‘I’m struggling to be happy now, and I was so happy then. It was so easy. Now it’s so difficult. Why is it so difficult?’
‘Oh, Ben,’ I cry and I climb off my stool, move to his side and hold him.
He puts his head on my shoulder and I can see Ollie’s sympathetic expression.
‘I wish we could go back in time. I wish we could all be at university together again. Maybe just that first year, on repeat. The minute it finishes, it goes back to the start – I’d love that. It was the best year I’ve ever had.’
I stroke his hair, feel tears dampening my shoulder through my party dress.
‘Me too,’ Ollie confesses and I find myself saying the same thing. Because it probably was: that freedom, that sense of finding yourself, your tribe, your people. We found our people. We found each other.
‘We haven’t let each other go,’ I say.
‘We have,’ Ben says.
‘Then we need to make sure we don’t any more.’ Ollie squeezes Ben’s hand tighter.
‘We have to lure Liv back in from the cold,’ Ben sniffs, wipes his face with his shirt. ‘First you went AWOL,’ he tells me, ‘and now Liv. It’s got to stop.’
‘You two talked, no?’ I ask. I really want to know what was said, but it’s none of my business. The fallout from their car crash is between them, unless one of them wants to divulge something.
‘We did. It was … enlightening.’
‘In what way?’ Ollie asks before I can say it.
‘In ways that I didn’t even realise, but I don’t want to talk about it,’ Ben says cryptically.
‘OK,’ I say. ‘Well, we can get Liv back with us quite easily. I’ll murder James and force her back to us.’
Ben laughs. ‘That won’t work. And what if you get a boyfriend? Or what if Mr Never-having-sex-again over there gets a girlfriend? That’s a lot of murdering we’ll have to do.’
‘Or … we have to let various boyfriends and girlfriends into our foursome,’ I suggest.
‘No,’ Ben replies, pulling back from me and giving me a look of mock-seriousness. ‘I don’t like that idea at all.’
Ollie laughs, but his face shows concern and he looks from Ben to me and back again. ‘Regular meet-ups,’ he suggests. ‘We schedule it into our diaries. Make an effort from now on.’
‘Yes,’ Ben says. ‘Definitely. And maybe … maybe we let other people into the four. Maybe. I’m not committing to that. But in order to do that, first we have to work out how to find a woman for Ollie.’
‘Oh God, not that again,’ Ollie groans and the moment of sadness begins to drift away.
I’ll play along, but only because I don’t want Ben to regress into melancholy. ‘Apparently he’s going to focus more on getting his degree and less on getting—’
‘Shagged,’ Ben says. And I splutter laughter as I move back to my stool. ‘I know loads of single girls at work,’ he offers.
‘How many of them have you slept with?’ Ollie’s quick to ask.
‘A few. But what if I find you one I haven’t slept with? Everyone fancies a doctor – they’ll love you.’
‘No, thanks,’ Ollie replies flatly.
‘Aurora, you must know lots of single model girls. Ollie … want a model as a girlfriend?’
‘I’m not fussy about occupation,’ Ollie says, glancing at me.
‘I am,’ Ben says. ‘I’ve worked my way through the banking industry. I could move on to models.’
‘You already had a model,’ I throw at him with a knowing smile.
‘That’s true. I take delight in telling people I dated Aurora Miller.’
‘I can imagine,’ I sigh.
‘Or maybe,’ Ben pipes up again, ‘I could find you one I have slept with, but—’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ Ollie says, rolling his eyes.
‘Hear me out, hear me out,’ Ben replies.
‘Doesn’t that go against every code ever,’ I say, trying to save Ollie from this total torture.
‘What do you mean?’ Ben asks.
‘Isn’t it like a …’ I make air-quotes when I say the word ‘code’. ‘You don’t sleep with someone your mate has slept with.’
I give Ollie a look that says, You’re welcome. But Ollie looks thoughtful, his brow furrowed as he watches our exchange.
‘Hmm, yeah, you’re right. It would be weird,’ Ben acquiesces. ‘Actually that would be very weird. Imagine that –imagine one of my exes coming out of your bedroom. Imagine that exchange. Imagine the comparisons.’
‘Comparisons?’ Ollie asks faintly. ‘Oh, don’t answer that.’
‘Yeah … no …’ Ben says thoughtfully. ‘Scrap that idea. You can’t date one of my exes. Aurora’s right. It’s against the rules.’
‘Against the rules,’ I echo slowly.
Ollie’s gaze flicks towards me.
‘Definitely,’ Ben continues as he reaches for more orange juice. ‘You can’t get with your friend’s ex. It’s out of bounds, off-limits, can’t ever happen.’
‘Right. OK,’ Ollie says and his gaze slowly disconnects from mine, the frown on his face deeper than before.