Chapter Thirty-Six
Out of bounds. Off-limits. Can’t ever happen.
He still feels the same way. Ben still feels the same way.
His words swirl in my mind as I try to sleep in the morning after they leave.
By staying up all night I’ve given myself jet lag without even leaving the country.
I feel upside down, so tired that Mum says I’ve gone ashen and I can’t concentrate on anything.
I can’t sleep. I’m so wired internally, but I’m horizontal on the sofa, body exhausted while mindless Sunday daytime-TV plays in the background.
Out of bounds. Off-limits. Can’t ever happen.
Ollie looked at me, but only for a moment, and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was. Then the look was gone. I swallow, pick at something that’s not even there on the sofa. I need some sleep. Is this feeling sudden? I’m not sure. It’s a surprise. Does that mean it’s sudden too?
Ollie’s always just been there. But in the distance.
In my peripheral vision. Not in my direct line of sight.
Now he’s in my direct line of sight and I think he has been for a while.
And I’m not sure whether I like it or not.
I should be experiencing all those warm feelings you get when you realise you like someone.
But I feel broken instead because I know, deep down, it can never be.
We nearly kissed. Would that have spurred things on between us or ended our friendship for ever?
Would it have ended Ben, if he’d seen? The four of us have just got back together. Would that have undone us again?
Anything I felt for Ben has gone. I love him. But as a friend. How did that happen? I’d have done anything for that man. Within reason. I remember the night I knew I was in love with him. The night Liv nearly died. The night his parents made me hate them and fall in love with their son.
But those feelings have gone and … I think I like someone else.
I do. I like Ollie. More than simply like him, and Ben’s words have cut deep now.
Actually I suppose they were my words. Why did I have to say that?
Why did I have to put that suggestion out there, for Ben to run with in such a way.
And Ollie … he didn’t say anything. Or, rather, he agreed – the words Right, OK slipping from his mouth.
I can’t talk to Liv about this, because what if she feels the same?
What if she’s also a subscriber to the ‘don’t date my ex’ rule, even though she’s moved on from Ollie.
But I don’t necessarily want to date Ollie, I simply want to talk to Liv about having been told unequivocally that it can never, ever happen.
Ironically, the person I really want to talk about it with is Ollie. He’d understand. But I can’t, because that feels wrong too. Everything feels wrong.
I make a noise of frustration and bury my face in my own hands, then I turn on the sofa, away from the view of the world outside my window, and try to fall asleep.