Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ollie
I sit tapping my fingers on the kitchen table while my exam notes are scattered around me.
They made barely any sense before, and now they make no sense whatsoever.
It doesn’t matter how many times I read and reread them – they’re blurring into nonsense.
I read through things I’ve written, not even remembering when I wrote them or comprehending any of the subject matter.
This worries me. I’m going to be a shit doctor.
Or, rather, I won’t be a doctor at all if I can’t pass this next set of exams. But I’m battling through something in my head.
I have liked Aury for such a long time. I’ve done nothing about it because …
how could I? She’d have run a mile and then I wouldn’t have her in my life.
I’d rather have her as a friend than not at all.
This is the safest way. And with Ben’s painful command from on high, this is the only thing she’s ever allowed to be: a friend.
She wouldn’t have gone for someone like me anyway or else it would have happened by now, wouldn’t it?
But now that’s categorically never, ever going to happen.
Thinking about this forces a hollow feeling into my stomach, as if something unpleasant is happening to my insides.
This is timely, because this is what I’m meant to be revising.
It’s funny, we talk about parts of the body with emotions attached: broken hearts and gut feelings.
I refocus on diagrams of the gut, something I’m meant to know more about than I currently do.
What is my gut telling me? That during that conversation with Aury on her balcony a few days ago we nearly kissed, I’m sure of it.
She dipped her head. I dipped mine. We were so close.
So close. And we can’t do anything about it.
We’ll destroy our friendship. We’ll destroy our friendship group.
But for a few seconds, with Aury, absolutely nothing happened at all.
But at the same time, absolutely everything did.