Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
One month later …
The Malibu office of Live by Design is nestled on a quaint walking street about two blocks from the beach, and four blocks from the shabby-chic, fully-furnished cottage Maya made me lease, despite there being a perfectly functional commuter condo along the freeway at half the price.
The office has warm, wide-planked flooring and freshly painted cream walls. There are eight matching desks on the main floor, and the stairs lead up to a lofted space where my desk sits in front of a peek-a-boo view of the sea.
“Honey, you’ve made it,” Maya says next to me, impressed.
She’s using a week of her vacation time to help get me settled in Malibu, with the understanding that she and Corinne get everlasting dibs on the cottage’s guest room.
“There are at least three impossible-to-get-into restaurants on this block alone, so be sure to flirt with the hosts. Speaking of flirting, have you checked out your local Hinge yet?” She flashes her phone at me, swiping away.
“Filled with surfers and actors. Nary a dead salmon or hunting rifle in sight.”
“This may shock you, Maya, but I’m not interested in dating. I just got out of something. Two things, actually.”
“Two things you were never actually in,” she murmurs, but lets it drop.
I trail my hands on one of the desks and smile, my mind fertile with ideas for this place. I already know what our mission statement will be: Step out of your comfort zone, for nothing ever grows there.
“We’ll fill the office with greenery,” I say, “and maybe do one of those live ivy walls, like they have at Climate Pledge Arena.” The ideas are overflowing, pushing one out after another to make room for new ones bubbling up.
“I have several interviews lined up for my new staff, and once everyone is up to speed, we can start our client acquisitions.” I pause briefly and shift my weight to one foot.
“I’ve even signed up to give a talk at the Learning Annex in a few weeks to spur new business. ”
“You? Public speaking?” Maya says, her eyes wide.
I give her a weak smile. “Step out of your comfort zone, right?”
“I know another way you can step out of your comfort zone.”
“I’m not downloading Hinge.”
“No, I mean calling Danny.”
Just the sound of his name sends my heart falling. I shake my head hard.
“I can’t. That whole thing was a giant mistake. Besides, I’m pretty sure he hates me.”
“That was back when your crush on Casey was mucking everything up. You need to tell him your psychosomatic ‘relationship’ is finally over, and you’re a free woman.”
“He thinks I used him to get this promotion. He’s not going to be like, ‘Hey, Theranos. Tell me all about the interiors of your new office that was bought with my blood, sweat, and tears—and, oh, my literal bone fragments. By the way, should I fly down for a visit? Because I’d love to offer you yet another unreciprocated orgasm. ’ ”
“Wait,” Maya says, laughing. “He calls you Theranos? As in Elizabeth Holmes? Gollum eyes in a turtleneck? Oh, he fucking nailed it.”
“Well, he doesn’t call me anything now because I haven’t spoken to him since the fight last month and am never going to see him again. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s quietly loving someone I can’t have.”
“So you do love him,” Maya presses.
I shrug, picking up yet another package that arrived this morning. Office supplies have been coming in a steady stream, giving me the same thrill back-to-school shopping did as a student.
“Not that it matters.” I slice the box cleanly with the sharp letter opener Dad gave me as a housewarming present. It doubles as a weapon, in case I need to defend myself from any axe murderers, which is helpful. “He lives in Seattle, and you just made me sign an ironclad lease in Malibu.”
“So? You have two offices to fly between now, and a couple of goddaughters to see on the regular. You’ll be back and forth all the time.”
“Look, the thing with Danny was a lapse in judgment. But I’ve learned from it, and you only fail if you fail to learn from your mistakes.”
“Cut the shit, Lauren. He wasn’t a mistake.
The man literally broke his own arm so you could go off and be happy with someone else.
And he woke you up! You’d forgotten what a real man even felt like until he came along.
And I for one do not want to see you fall back into the mired wasteland of overused vibrators and single-serve meal kits. ”
“Too late. I’ve already signed up for Hello Fresh, and my new vibrator is probably inside this box. Jeez, they used enough tape to protect it from the apocalypse.” I check the return address and—oh my god. The letter opener clatters to the floor.
“Watch it,” Maya chides. “You wear sandals now. You’ll lose a toe.”
I barely hear her over the pounding of my heart. With shaky hands, I pry open the package and carefully lift out the wrapped item inside.
The heavenly scent of lavender and honey fills the room.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Maya says, a hand to her chest. “Did that man … send you bread?”
I nod, staring at it. The rustic, artisan loaf is golden and beautiful, with a lavender sprig folded into the shape of a heart baked into the crusty top.
“He always said my scent reminded him of lavender and honey,” I say faintly.
Maya’s mouth hangs open. Then she pushes past me, lunging for the box, and tipping it upside down. A card flutters out, and she snatches it up before I have a chance to grab it from her.
“What does it say? Maya, tell me!”
Maya reads silently, then lifts her eyes to mine. “It says, ‘I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.’ ”
I take the card, reading it for myself.
“Don’t get too excited,” I say. “That’s not like an I love you I love you. It’s this Hawaiian practice he taught me for making things right and restoring balance. Ho’oponopono.”
Maya’s eyes grow wide. “Please tell me you are not standing here on Goddess’s green earth discounting the handwritten card of a man who baked bread with your very essence?”
“He’s probably just congratulating me on opening the Malibu branch.”
“It’s more than that.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“You’re right. I don’t. So why don’t you call and find out?” Maya’s voice softens. “Just tell him how you feel, Lauren. Like you said, you only fail if you fail to learn. Learn from your lost Casey years. Tell the man you love him.”
I roll my teeth over my bottom lip. The possibility of hearing Danny’s voice again lifts something deep in my abdomen.
I closed myself off so completely from the idea of ever speaking to him again, it felt like yanking down blackout shades.
Like, the really good ones at a hotel. But now, here is Maya, lifting the corner and letting in the light, the way she always does.
Maya is right. I owe it to myself to tell him how I feel.
I chased Casey for six years in silence, when one simple conversation could have told me everything I needed to know.
If I tell Danny how I feel, at least I can move forward.
If not with him, then with someone else.
Who knows? Maybe with somebody I haven’t even met yet …
“OK,” I say, swallowing. “I’ll reach out.”
Maya stares at me expectantly.
“What, like right now?”
“What is it you perky life coaches are always saying?” she says, dangling my cellphone before dropping it in my hands. “No time like the present.”
I sit at my new desk and focus my eyes on the barrel waves out my window, breathing with them as the receiver sends out its questioning rings.
“Hello?” he says, his voice groggy, like I woke him.
“You won,” I say softly. “Congratulations.”
“Lauren,” he says, more awake now. I hear his comforter rustle as he sits up in bed. “Yeah, we did. It still doesn’t feel real.”
“You deserve the win, Danny. You worked so hard, and you’re an amazing fighter.”
“I had a good fight coach. And a good life coach.”
My heart pounds so hard in my chest, I’m sure he can hear it on the other end of the line in Seattle. “I got your package. Thank you for the bread. It smells incredible.”
“It took a few weeks to get the recipe right, but I’m really happy with how it turned out. How’s California?”
“It’s amazing,” I admit. “Maya forced me into renting this perfect cottage near the beach, furnished like an actual home. Area rugs on warm wood floors and everything. And I can walk to work, which is good, because now I can’t afford gas.
And there’s a farmers market every Sunday nearby that would blow your mind. ”
“And the girls?” he says. “How are Emma and Zoe adapting to their summer in the sun?”
“They … aren’t here,” I say, swatting Maya away. She presses her head to mine anyway, eavesdropping. “Casey and Helena broke up. Or they didn’t—I don’t know what they are. But they’ve ‘reframed’ their relationship, and Casey is no longer moving to Los Angeles to be with her over the summer.”
A beat passes as Danny takes in this new information. “And you went anyway,” he says softly.
“I went anyway,” I confirm.
Silence takes over the call.
“Tell him you miss his big dick,” Maya mouths.
“Shut up,” I mouth back.
Dead air hangs. Oh god, it’s so awkward. I need to get out of this. To find a way to end this call.
But … Danny told me to never be embarrassed with him. And running away when I get scared hasn’t served me well so far. Instead, I take a deep breath and dive in.
“Danny, I’m so sorry I was such a mess when we met, but my stuff with Casey is over. Like, so over, you have no idea. We talked it all out. I’m single now. I mean, I was always single, but now I know that I’m single. I simply wasn’t aware of it before.”
“Lauren—”
“But I don’t want to be,” I say quickly. “Not when I know how good it feels to be with you.”
Maya motions for me to slow down. No need to throw myself at him.
Danny sighs. “Lauren, I’m glad you’re moving on with your life. I really am … but I can’t do this.”
“But why? Is it the distance? Because I’ll be back in Seattle all the time.
Plus, my friend Maya has Delta Diamond and can donate some miles.
” Maya is shaking her head furiously no, but I ignore her.
“Long-distance relationships can work. We’ll just get you some extra strength Xanax for the plane rides and—”
“I’m really sorry,” he says, and his voice cracks. “You’re so good, Lauren. That’s why I’m afraid I can’t be the kind of man you deserve.”
The line cuts off. I press the receiver to my ear for several seconds more to make sure.
I look up at Maya, still holding the phone. “He hung up. What do I do now?” Because whatever she tells me to do, I’ll do it. Send him maple butter crumpets, cleavage photos—anything.
But she doesn’t answer. Her face is downcast, and she doesn’t meet my eye. So, it’s really over. If Maya can’t lift a corner of this, there isn’t anything left to light up.
“Don’t make eye contact,” I say stiffly. Maya’s weeklong visit is over, and we are sitting outside departures at LAX. The traffic cop is motioning for me to move with increasingly frantic hand movements.
“Are you sure you’ll be OK without me?” Maya asks. “Because I can stay.”
“No,” I say quickly. I can’t spend another week picking up after her or my head will explode.
Hair scrunchies, teacups—every time I turn around, she’s created more clutter, like some over-pollinating flower.
“You go back to Seattle. Corinne misses you like crazy, and it’s very embarrassing to be this sad in front of company. Now I need some alone time to wallow.”
She hugs me tightly. “I’m proud of you—but don’t be a hero.
Solitude is fab in small doses, but too much will atrophy your vagina.
It’s true! Look it up,” she says when I roll my eyes.
“Like Jane Austen said, ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that the best way to get over a man is to get under another.’ ”
“That’s not her quote,” I say, laughing. “I think that’s all you.”
“Don’t be such a gatekeeper, Lauren. Austen is for everybody. And she’d totally say that if she were alive today.”
“As sound as that advice is, I’m not getting under anything but my duvet.”
“Oh, that works actually,” Maya says, nodding enthusiastically. “Pile some extra weight on top, pillows and books and things, and it almost feels like a person.” She blows me a kiss, hops out of the car, and breezes into the terminal, leaving me very much alone in a foreign, too-bright city.