Chapter 28 #2
Time seemed to slow down a little. The thing was, I believed everything Tom had said about his lack of involvement in Elle’s machinations.
In a way, it would’ve been simpler if I hadn’t, leaving me no choice but to draw a neat little line through Scarnbrook – and all the people there.
But, as I was fast learning, life wasn’t about ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, ‘good people’ or ‘bad people’.
It was about all the messy places in between and finding the chinks of light among the chaos.
It was about the choices we made, and the care we put into them. It was about ‘and’ not ‘or’.
‘Nervous? Why?’
‘Why do you think? Because I’m here. In your flat. With you. I’ve barely slept since you left, thinking about what I would say at this very moment.’
‘Oh.’ I noticed that I was shaking a little bit, too.
‘And now I’m here and, well, I don’t really know what to say. I really like your flat, by the way.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Yeah, it feels like you, somehow.’
‘Really? In what way?’
‘I dunno, it just feels… nice.’
Nice . I was coming to think of that word differently.
I always thought that I could place myself squarely in the ‘nice’ column, but now I wasn’t so sure.
And that was… okay. No, I’d not been the perfect sister to Livvie – or Josh, for that matter.
I’d not been the kindest mate to Becky when I was younger.
And I’d never lived up to Elle’s massive expectations of me in terms of how a best friend should behave.
But I’d always done the best I could according to what I knew at the time.
But I knew more, now. And I’d never stop learning and growing and striving to do better. For myself as much as for anyone else.
‘Don’t you think it’s weird that Father Christmas only has two lists: naughty or nice?’ I asked, sharing my interior thoughts aloud, somehow knowing he wouldn’t run a mile.
‘You’re pretty good at these out-of-the-blue existential questions, aren’t you?’
‘My brain’s an annoyingly busy place.’
‘So’s mine. To answer your question: I’ve never liked the notion of “naughtiness”, actually. I don’t think any kid – or adult for that matter – is inherently bad. They’ve just maybe not been loved or cared for in a way that supported them to become the best version of themselves.’
‘Wow, that’s… pretty deep, Tom Brinton.’
‘Huh, is it? What were you expecting me to say?’
‘Oh, I dunno, something about how people can be nice and naughty at the same time…?’
I hadn’t meant to lace my response with innuendo, but Tom’s raised eyebrows and detectable swallow suggested his mind had leapt there, too.
I looked forward to having more deep but flirtatious chats with Tom in the future.
Shit, there was a future? Yeah, there was.
I could feel it stretching out from each of us, converging, from this very room.
I nudged his thigh playfully with my knee and grabbed the biggest, softest blanket I could find.
I draped it over him before touching the radiator behind the sofa, leaning over him to do so.
I heard an almost inaudible intake of breath.
I was suddenly aware of how close he was.
And of the fact that I was wearing an old, tatty dressing gown that probably hadn’t seen the inside of a washing machine for the best part of a year. But I didn’t care about that any more.
I lingered over him for a second longer than I needed to, trying to gather my thoughts and feelings together in one place, but they were swirling around all manner of bodily regions. The click click click of the radiator pipes was the only sound, until Tom said my name.
‘Mal—’
I spoke quietly. ‘It’s warming up. Shouldn’t take too long to get going, now.’
I sat back down next to him. Not quite touching. But close enough to notice that the aroma of Radox had clung to his skin.
‘Mally, I…’
I looked up at him and allowed my eyes to drink him in. His hair was still wet, his eyelashes stained darker with moisture. And his eyes seemed to be searching mine for some kind of permission. I wasn’t nervous any longer. I was ready for my life to change.
‘I want you to know that I didn’t come here for—’
‘This?’ I asked, as I kissed him softly on the mouth. I mean, it was right there. It was the only thing I could do.
‘Yeah, this,’ he murmured as he kissed me deeply in response.
I pulled away gently. ‘But is this what you want?’
‘It’s what I’ve always wanted.’
‘Always?’ I probed, kissing him again, finally getting to run my hand through that thick mop of hair. He hummed in appreciation.
‘Definitely.’ He created a filament of space between our lips. ‘Hey, I need to tell you something: you know that time Elle and Ryan went to the cinema together?’
‘Mmm.’ I was rubbing the base of his neck with my thumb, just like I’d fantasised about doing on our first date.
‘The reason I brought that up was because… well, I’d asked Ryan to set up a double date with the four of us for the following weekend. I never knew whether Elle had mentioned it to you. Or if you just thought the idea of it was so laughable that you concocted the bad breath plan between you.’
I was expecting to feel a rush of hurt at the revelation of yet another micro-betrayal by Elle.
But it didn’t arrive. I couldn’t bring myself to be angry with her, because all of her poor choices – as well as my own – had brought me to this moment.
And, in this moment, I could finally see what it was I needed to do.
Who I needed to become. And the many people who would be by my side as I made the shift, instead of Elle and Elle alone.
Plus, her decision to snub out my connection with Tom back then had only resulted in an even deeper one all these years later.
And Tom Brinton, I knew, was so worth the wait.
‘She never told me, Tom.’
‘Yeah, I gathered. Oh well.’
‘Oh well,’ I whispered through a drowsy smile. ‘I would’ve said yes, for what it’s worth.’
‘I know.’
We kissed again. For longer this time. The room was definitely getting warmer, but I couldn’t tell if it was the central heating kicking in or the igniting embers inside me.
I shrugged off my dressing gown as things began to move into a more horizontal direction, but felt a sudden vibration from Tom’s pocket.
‘Sorry. Hang on.’ He placed the phone on the coffee table and began to return to me. I glanced at it.
‘Umm, Tom, your mum’s calling you at seven o’clock in the morning. Don’t you think you should answer?’
‘Argh, yeah, you’re right.’ He cleared his throat before answering. ‘Hey, Mum. Yeah, all good…’
His voice trailed off as he wandered into the hallway, gently closing the door behind him.
I reclined on the sofa in a state of flustered arousal.
I couldn’t believe this was actually happening.
I mean, years ago I’d played out countless imaginary scenarios of how me and Tom Brinton would finally declare our undying love for each other.
Strangely, none of them had involved a reportable data breach and an emergency foil blanket.
Tom wandered back through after a few minutes. I scooched up on the sofa to create space where he’d sat before. He perched on the edge of it. Oh. Bugger.
‘Sorry about that. She’s been panicking about you almost as much as me. She needed to know you were okay.’
‘She knows you’re here?’
‘Yeah, there’s not much she doesn’t know, to be honest. Is that weird?’
‘No, it’s lovely. I just hope you didn’t tell her that I’m currently way more than “okay”…’
We kissed again. More urgently this time.
If this’d been a cheesy Christmas movie, the film would’ve ended the instant our lips had touched, unopened, for the first time, our ‘happily ever after’ set in rock-hard gingerbread house frosting.
But this wasn’t a cheesy Christmas movie; it was a real, messy life.
And, in my very real brain, I had a thought that made me stop.
Once it was there, there was no shaking it off. I pulled away.
‘What’s the matter?’ Tom asked.
‘This is doomed, isn’t it?’
‘What, us?’
‘Yeah. Us. Think about it. I can’t see myself living in Scarnbrook again, Tom. It was home for me once. But, for the time being, this flat in this city is my home.’
‘Yeah, of course it is.’
‘And you couldn’t ever move away from your mum, could you?’
‘No. Never.’
‘Exactly.’
‘So, what are you saying?’
‘I don’t know. I know what I want. I just don’t know how it could ever work.’ I moved to the other end of the sofa, finding my dressing gown and wrapping it around myself tightly, placing my head in my hands.
Tom perched on the coffee table opposite me, and tenderly took my hands in his. ‘Look at me, Mally.’
I raised my damp eyes to meet his.
‘I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been trying to dismiss the same thoughts myself.
But the simple truth is this: I like you.
A lot. I think I always have done. And I have no idea where any of this might lead us, let alone how we might get there.
But I do know that I just want to keep spending time with you.
Things feel lighter when I’m with you. What was that word you used the other night to describe your family Christmases?
Oh yeah: tingly . Well, that’s how you make me feel.
You make my face ache from smiling. And, well, it’s hard to explain, but you’ve made me realise that home doesn’t have to be a place. It can be a feeling. Or a person.’
The tears that fell from my eyes this time were happy ones.
These were the nicest things anyone had ever said to me.
And every nerve ending in my body told me that this was right.
This was different. Billy, and the others before him, had helped me to forget myself for a while. But I was done with forgetting, now.