Chapter 28 #3
I squeezed his hands. ‘I make you tingle.’ It wasn’t a question but a statement. I rubbed the nub of his neck again as he nodded, his hair follicles rising in appreciation. It was our thing, already. ‘So, what do we do now?’
‘Take it slowly, day by day, I guess.’
‘Slow sounds good.’
‘Yeah… so, on that note, I reckon it might be best if I head off. Not that I want to, mind you, but if I don’t get going soon I, erm, might not ever feel the urge to leave. And Mum definitely wouldn’t be able to eat that whole turkey by herself tomorrow.’
‘Ha. Yeah, I think that might be wise.’
‘You should come with me.’
His statement took me completely by surprise. Planning to spend Christmas with Tom and his mum while I was a temporary Scarnbrook resident had been one thing. But spending it with them so soon after what this sofa had just witnessed was quite another.
‘That… doesn’t sound slow, Tom.’
‘Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it. But… it feels right. And we can still take things slowly even if we’re together, so thought I’d throw it out there.’
It feels right to me, too.
‘I’m… just not sure,’ I replied tentatively.
Yes, you are.
‘Wouldn’t it be a bit weird staying at your mum’s place given all of… this?’ I waved my hands wildly in the space between us as if the gesture somehow did the physical ache I felt for him justice.
He grabbed my flailing hands decisively but gently, and pulled me onto his lap on the coffee table, tucking my greasy hair behind my ears.
‘Trust me, Mal, she’d be bloody thrilled to have you come back – she’s been so worried. Plus, she knows how much I care about you. I think it would be a nice thing – for all of us. I’m driving straight to hers from here to stay there for the next few days.’
I thought about my barren fridge and my near-empty box of Coco Pops. I never had got around to picking up any shopping – not even that Pret Christmas sandwich – what with everything that had been going on.
This is risky, Mally.
‘I… think I need to recalibrate here for a bit. But give her my love and tell her I can’t wait to see her again soon.’
I knew these words were the safest words, so why did they feel so unnatural in my mouth?
‘Of course, I totally get it. And I’m sorry again for putting you on the spot. But if you change your mind, at any time, call me – yeah? And please unblock my number so I can call you when I get back?’
I extracted my phone and did the honours. ‘Consider yourself permitted.’
Tom kissed the top of my head before standing up and gathering his things. ‘Hey, I totally forgot to ask what’s happening with your article now that The Helix is closing?’
‘Long story.’
‘I want to hear all of it. Talk later, yeah?’
This was all actually happening, wasn’t it? I could feel hope fizzing underneath my skin. It’d been a long time bloody coming.
I walked him to his car and we kissed a drizzle-dappled kiss before he climbed in. He wound down the window before he drove off.
‘Oh God, please don’t tell me you’re going to roar again?’ I asked, though I wouldn’t have minded at all if he had.
‘Ha, no. But there was one thing I forgot to give you.’
‘Oh?’
He leant over to the glove compartment and extracted an ancient ball of once-orange fluff with two wonky eyes attached.
I gasped with delight. ‘Marmalade!’
Tom passed his precious childhood comforter to me through the window.
‘Sorry I didn’t have time to wrap him, but I thought he could keep you company?’
‘You’re sure?’
‘So sure. You know where to put him, right?’
I nodded. ‘Of course.’
We kissed briefly once more. As he drove off, I carried Marmalade back into the warmth and stood in the communal hallway for a while. I hadn’t even cleaned my teeth yet – I’d never imagined the most gut-wrenchingly romantic moment of my life would be infused with the stale flavour of Night Nurse.
This was what falling in love felt like, then. Knowing these thoughts and urges of mine flowed both ways without any shadow of a doubt. Knowing he’d never leave me hanging on two blue ticks. Knowing he’d already seen – and mopped up – the most dissolvable parts of me.
I sighed a happy sigh as I headed back inside.
I carried Marmalade into the living room and squeezed him onto the glowing branches of my tiny Christmas tree.
At this angle, he seemed to be looking over my shoulder.
I turned to follow his gaze and caught sight of the London snow globe on the mantelpiece.
I lifted the glass orb off the shelf and carried it to the sofa with care, using a corner of my dressing gown to remove the thick layer of dust. The water was clearer than I remembered, the glitter flakes more iridescent.
I turned its crank, gave it a good shake and placed it on the coffee table.
As the music played, my mind began to swirl with everything that had changed in such a short space of time.
All the truths that had been spoken – by me, and to me.
There was one line in particular that kept repeating on a loop – something that Elle had said to me a couple of nights ago: ‘You wait for things to happen to you, instead of making things happen for yourself.’
And then it all clicked.
My Christmas was about to be safe. But it could be incredible.
Why in the hell had I said no to Tom about going back to Scarnbrook with him? It was almost as if I was denying myself a piece of guaranteed joy in favour of… what , exactly? More wallowing and solitary overthinking? What was I hoping to achieve by staying here by myself?
The safety of predictability.
I sat upright quickly – too quickly – lightheaded thanks to my empty stomach.
Just go to him, Mally!
I’m not sure if it was my voice, or Livvie’s, that was screaming inside my skull. But, whoever it was, I loved them – and knew they were right.