Chapter 11 In Competition
IN COMPETITION
On the train back to Brooklyn that evening, I think about everyone I danced with tonight: the national champion Dion, and affectionate, sarcastic Jody, and sweet, newly sexy Ben. It feels like I danced with everyone but Ollie.
Ollie, who apologized for not telling me about Eliana.
Ollie, who thought I would get back together with Nick?
I don’t know whether to feel furious or depressed. Furious, I decide. Enraged. He said he wasn’t testing me, but the fact that it was his first question suggests the exact opposite.
And his apology to me for dancing with Eliana? His assumption that I would care? I mean, of course I cared, but why bother? What exactly was he sorry for?
When I get back to my apartment, I vow to think about anything else but him, but I immediately break that vow to watch dance videos online, trying to figure out the identities of everyone from Helen’s summary of ‘the drama.’ I watch the handsome champion Dion and his partner Paula.
I watch some old videos of Ollie with Eliana, and then I watch more recent videos of Connor with Eliana, and Hugo Persson with Yukka (Connor’s new partner), and even an old low-res video of Connor from high school, dancing with his first partner Sarah.
They are all so good that it makes me not want to show up the next day.
I am not going to quit dancing.
My schedule for Saturday is full. An Intro to Lindy Hop Workshop.
The Newcomers Jack the event is designed to give people their first competition experience.
“A Frank Sinatra song,” I say to Ben quietly as we head out.
“Hey, I’m an expert,” he replies. “I feel like I just did the first dance at my wedding, but I was being judged way less harshly.” I wonder if this is the happiest, most relaxed that I’ve ever seen Ben.
I’m not feeling happy and relaxed.
My own competition is coming up, and I feel a brief flash of jealousy for Ben and Helen.
At least their time in front of a crowd is over; now they can enjoy the weekend without a hovering threat of public embarrassment.
But what am I so scared of? All I’m going to do is dance in front of a crowd of observers as part of a big group. How bad can it be?
What makes it better—and worse—is my discovery that Dion Reyes, my old pal and national champion, is acting as the host for the Novice competition. I glance at Jody as we wait for our partners. Then I look around nervously, wondering if Ollie will be there, but I don’t see him.
Of course not. Why would he come watch me?
Before I know it, the pairs are on the floor.
Jody is paired with a tall woman who looks like a good match for Jody’s assertive but warm style.
I am facing a handsome, dark-haired man who greets me with a grin.
Our song turns out to be a Taylor Swift classic.
I quickly realize that my partner is extremely good for someone calling himself a “Novice” dancer, and after a couple of moves, I start to relax.
I miss one move he attempts, but it doesn’t seem like a disaster.
At least we are doing an interpretation of the song, picking up things in the music to express.
By the end, I feel euphoric as my partner gives me a thank you grin, and I scan the crowd to find Helen and Ben. Helen is audibly cheering me on. Ben gives me a thumbs up. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter whether I make the top five. The whole point was to do this and survive.
As I have the thought, I notice Ollie standing at the back of the room. He looks away as soon as I see him, but why is here? What does that mean?
When the awards are given, it turns out that both Jody and I have placed high enough to compete tomorrow in the Novice/Champion event, which I credit entirely to my partner, but I’ll take it as a victory.
I try to tell myself that I don’t even care who I dance with. I can’t make myself believe it, though.
Then I pass him as we exit the event.
“Hey,” he says gently when he sees me. “You looked great.”
“Thanks.” Bitterness has crept into my voice.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Ollie asks.
“Not right now,” I say firmly. “My friends are waiting for me.”
He nods. He looks like he wants to say more, but I walk away as quickly as I can.
“What just happened?” Ben asks as I catch up to the group. “Ollie looks like you just slapped him in the face.”
“Ollie doesn’t know what he wants,” Jody comments.
I wonder if that’s true. Something in Ben’s expression makes me turn around, though.
Ollie is still watching me, his face perplexed.
I turn and keep walking, feeling the tension pulling me back to him as I move further away, waiting for it to snap.
The connection still hasn’t broken, but I tell myself that it will with time.
I never thought I’d be over Nick, either.
A little internal bleeding is a normal part of the process.
After lunch, Ben, Jody and I try another workshop while Helen rests her feet, then we prepare to watch the advanced pairs compete in the afternoon.
It’s not going to be easy watching Ollie and Eliana, but I want to see the other competitors, the best dancers in the world.
Or at least that’s what I tell myself. The truth is, I need to see them together. I need to know how they are together.
On our way into the ballroom, I am surprised to see Eliana wave me over. She is dressed in a sleek, sexy black outfit to perform, but she still has her hair in a youthful ponytail.
“Hey!” she says with a cheery smile, like we are already besties. “I saw you did well at the Novice competition. I remember you learning some of that in my class.”
This could be a subtle insult, but I can’t figure out why she would bother. Maybe she really is this nice. “Yeah, I’ve been taking a lot of classes,” I agree.
“Ollie was impressed. He said that for a newcomer, you’re doing really well.”
Is that another insult? Or am I paranoid? “That’s very sweet of him.”
“Yeah. He’s a really sweet guy.” Her face puckers into a frown. “I’m just a little worried about him.”
“Okay?” I prompt, when it becomes clear that she’s waiting for me to speak.
“Well,” she sighs, “I don’t know if you know what happened with his ex-wife, but…”
I nod.
“I just worry that maybe he’s trying to create some kind of replacement family for the one he didn’t get to have.”
Wait, what? I take a moment to reply, trying to make sure I’m not getting her wrong. “You mean, because I have a daughter?”