Chapter 11 In Competition #2
“I don’t mean in a bad way. At all,” she rushes to say, her voice warm and kind. “I just mean he’s been kind of a lost soul the last couple of years. I’ve talked to him a lot.”
I don’t say anything. Did she really just imply that Ollie was dating me because I have a kid? And he wants to replace the one he lost when his wife left him?
Early-twenties Laura would have gone on the attack, but I decide to channel my passive-aggressive accountant. “Well, if you’re worried about something you should definitely speak to him about it. Use the words ‘replacement family,’ too. That should go well.”
Her eyes widen, like she is genuinely surprised that I’ve taken her words as anything but kindness. “I’m just warning you that I don’t think he’s in a healthy place. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”
Her voice is so sincere that I’m a bit taken aback.
Is she really trying to help me? It slowly dawns on me that she may be the most brilliant kind of manipulator, the kind who imputes such a purity to her own motives that she convinces herself that she has no underlying stake in what she’s saying.
I remember the way Ollie always talked about Eliana, emphasizing what a good person she is and how sorry she was for hurting him.
She must have told him all of that herself, and now she believes her own press.
She must be really certain that she should be judged by the supposed purity of her intentions, not the damage caused by her actions.
Nick was like that, in his own way. He lied to me so well for so long because he had completely convinced himself that his motives were good.
“Sure. Thanks.”
She blinks once. “I really did mean well,” she persists, acting wounded. “Well, I should go compete.”
“Have fun out there!” I say as brightly as I can.
If she is the person that Ollie wants, I think angrily, then they deserve each other.
But there is something very strange about what she said, a tone I can’t believe would exist if Ollie were dating her.
Ironically, it is Eliana who has given me hope that Ollie still likes me.
I’m not sure if I can forgive him, though.
I remember what I said to Ben about Paige coming back: I told Ben that he should be ready if Paige came back, that he should know what he wanted.
I don’t feel sure that I am capable of the same.
Jody shoots me a quick glance and raises her eyebrows.
“What was that about?”
“I think Eliana is the devil,” I say.
“Well,” Jody says as we take our seats in the audience, “looks like the devil is up first.”
The ‘Routines’ event pits the top pairs against each other, taking turns with planned, choreographed dances.
I am surprised to see that the atmosphere is still pretty relaxed: although there are costumes and pre-set music, West Coast Swing doesn’t have the polished atmosphere of ballroom dancing.
No tuxedos, plenty of cheering, and lots of people getting out their cell phones recording the routines.
Ollie and Eliana are first up, wearing matching dark outfits that cling to their bodies.
He looks more polished and handsome than in any of their old videos together, and they dance to a blues rock song that I don’t know very well, but it has a great rhythm and interesting tonal changes.
Eliana looks charming and polished. Ollie looks sexy and focused. They work together as an elegant team.
I should feel intimidated, but I don’t, and it takes almost their whole routine to figure out why.
They aren’t magic together. They are dancing well, but it doesn’t seem like they are in love, or full of desire, or even full of humor and camaraderie.
Maria once said in class that great dance always has emotional content, and here, there doesn’t seem to be any.
Ollie is doing everything perfectly, with his signature poise, but there is no underlying sense of joy.
Maybe that’s why the Jack it’s something that Ollie and Dion are instinctively good at.
I don’t think Connor does that well. He seems particularly good at making himself look particularly good.
Last among the heavy hitters are Dion and his partner Paula. To me, they are clearly the best: smooth, elegant, relaxed, adding humor to their choreography to a Beyonce song. I applaud along with the crowd at the end, feeling lucky that I got to dance with him even once.
“Connor just realized he’s not winning this thing,” Helen mutters. “Wonder how he’s going to feel about that.”
“We won’t really know how anyone feels until we see them all forced to dance with each other in the Jack and I remember that without Ollie, she would not have had a partner at all.
Eliana gets up and grabs Ollie’s hand as the top competitors are named, and then she turns, throws her arms around his neck, and kisses him lightly on the lips.
I feel my feet carrying me out of the ballroom, through the lobby, and out the door. I don’t so much as take another breath until I am outside the building, my back against a wall, my heart racing.
It is a steamy evening in July, hot and sticky, the air full of cooking smells from local restaurants and filthy trails of car exhaust. I stand alone in the evening light, wondering if I have the energy for any of this: for dating, for getting my heart broken, for trying to make new friends instead of hiding in my house watching Netflix.
He kissed her, even if she initiated the kiss. That wasn’t a peck; it was a claim.
I didn’t want to fall in love with him. It would have been so much easier not to.
And now I’m here, alone in the stultifying heat, my heart wrenching like someone’s pulled it out with their bare hands.
I told myself I could get over him, that I could watch the competition for sheer entertainment value, but the only person I was fooling is the one leaning against a hundred-year-old theater with sweat pooling beneath her bra and cheap dancing shoes on her swelling, overheated feet.
After a moment, Jody comes out and leans against the wall next to me.
“It is sickeningly hot out here,” she observes.
“Yeah.” I lean further against the heat of the wall, trying to dissolve my feelings into languid forgetfulness and instead just getting more sweaty.
“You have to let him go.” Her voice is unexpectedly gentle. “Don’t pick someone who didn’t pick you. That’s the most important thing I learned from my divorce.”
I nod. “It’s just—when he broke things off, he said a friend told him he wasn’t ready to date yet. What if it was her? What if Eliana talked him into breaking things off with me because she wanted to sweep in and start seeing him again?”
“He’s not a baby deer, Laura. He’s a grown man.
If he wants to let his ex-girlfriend make decisions about his dating life, he gets to do that.
” Jody shrugs, looking out into the street.
“In my opinion, if he were worth having, he’d be out here on his knees, telling you he was an idiot and wanted you back.
” She glances back at the entrance, her tone withering. “Oh.”
“What?”
I turn around and see Ollie approaching us.
“Hi,” Ollie says to me. He glances over, looking nervous. “Hi. It’s Jody, right?”