Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
brOKEN REPUTATIONS
J ack rose early the next morning with a spring in his step. He threw open the curtains, greeted the day, and sang the first song that came to his mind.
“ Checkin’ both your engines, then you look into the sky. Thruster to eleven, then you know it’s time to fly.”
However, as Jack approached his bedroom door, he felt something damp on the carpet squish between his toes.
“ Freeway through…the…aaaahhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ” Jack screamed like a frightened, prepubescent boy as he slowly looked down at the floor.
He hopped through the hall as fast as he could on his one uncontaminated foot. When he reached the bathroom, he slammed the door behind him, climbed up onto the vanity, and lifted his heel over the sink’s edge. But as he did, he realized something: no odor. He leaned in closer: still no aroma of ammonia. Finally, he got so close to his big toe that his nose was almost touching it. It was safe. No bodily fluids.
Jack had to admit: she had him going for a minute, thinking Zuri had gotten her retribution by using his own cookie sheet/frozen tinkle trick against him. It was funny. Maybe a little too vanilla for his taste, but she pulled it off and retained her class by using tap water instead of the alternative. However, if the best she could do was the G-rated versions of his old tricks, she was going to wish she’d gone bigger… much bigger.
Displeased by his gullibility, Jack shook his head with an embarrassed smile before grabbing a towel from the cabinet and undressing for his morning shower. He almost felt guilty knowing none of the girls had access to pressurized warm water. Dani didn’t even have access to any warm water, but she knew what she was getting into. And, like she said, kissing him was worth it.
It eased his conscience when he saw how weak the water pressure was, especially for such an upscale - though antiquated - bathroom. But the shower head was still strong enough to fulfill the measure of its creation, so he continued. After getting his hair wet, Jack reached for the bottle of shampoo, worked up a lather, and rinsed the suds away. His hair felt smooth, maybe too smooth. It was so smooth; in fact, he thought he must have mistook the conditioner for shampoo. But there was no conditioner bottle. He noticed the same oily feeling all over his arms and chest, and when the scent of cherries and almonds was incrementally replaced by the putrid smell of dead fish, Jack knew Zuri had struck again.
Jack twisted off the top of the shampoo bottle and emptied its contents onto the floor of the tub but found no smoking gun. It was just plain old shampoo. He scoured the shower for the means of her cunning but found nothing out of the ordinary. Then he looked up. There, in one of the tiny showerhead holes, Jack saw the most microscopic eye staring back at him. He reached up, grabbed the shower head, and started unscrewing. When it popped off, dozens of oozing sardines poured out with the revitalized force of the water they’d been blocking, all at once infiltrating Jack’s hair, mouth, and ear canals.
“Jack…what is this?” Mick asked upon seeing his star’s new hairdo.
“Yeah. I know. It’s bad.”
“It’s not…bad. It’s just…so flat…and bad.”
“Well, it’s the best the hairstylist could do with a head basted in sardine oils, alright?”
“Why would you…”
“It was Zuri.”
Mick appeared to fight the urge but let out a snicker at his friend’s victimization.
“What? You think this is funny?”
Regaining some composure, Mick said, “Well, it’s certainly not not funny…and a trifle deserved.”
“Dang it, Mick! How could you act so cavalier about this? The star of your show was sabotaged with a hairstyle not even Nicholas Cage would trade for!”
“Mmm…I think he still would.”
“Yes. Yes, he would. But still. Fricken Zuri. She knows how much pride I take in having immaculate hair with its flawless line and abundant volume!”
“Hmm…” Mick hummed an enigmatic hum.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Come on, man. Spit it out.”
“It’s just…in a very strange way, she’s very much like you.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means if you weren’t so terrible for each other, you’d be absolutely perfect for one another.”
“You…you swine! How could you say something so ugly to me?”
“I just meant…”
“I know what you meant. And I know why you said it. I can’t believe you’d root for such a star-crossed and unholy romance just for ratings!”
“You’re using star-crossed incorrectly in that context. And I’m not saying I hope you end up with her or you should be together. I just find it interesting that sometimes, the people we struggle to get along with most are those most like us. Anything more than that is coming from you. Not from me: a projection of your innermost thoughts and feelings. In which case, perhaps you were using star-crossed correctly but in the form of a Freudian slip.”
Jack plugged both ears and shook his head in defiance of Mick’s psychobabble. He wanted to think up some witty retort to his mate’s ridiculous assessment, but his priorities changed upon seeing the women arrive.
“Ooh, I like this shot,” Mick said, gesturing towards the girls. “Let’s get them walking towards us, and we’ll slow it down in post. You ready? Alright. And…Action!”
Under any other circumstance, Jack would have been looking for Dani in the crowd of contestants, but all he could think about was finding Zuri to see if a look truly could kill. First, he noticed her wavy hair bobbing over Lily’s. Then, as the women got closer and into position for the next shot, he spotted her spotting him…and smirking. Jack couldn’t be certain, but it may have very well been the first time she’d ever done anything smiley at him. And if her mouth’s curvature wasn’t so conniving and evil, he might have found it pretty.
“Welcome, my dears,” Mick said as the women appeared incapable of taking their eyes off Jack’s new look. “I hope you were all able to get sufficient rest last night and recharge those batteries. Because this morning, you will be…draining them!”
The massive outdoor curtains behind Jack and Mick fell to the grass below, revealing some sort of challenge set up in the northern field.
“Behind me, you’ll notice eight two-meter posts: one for each of you. Atop each post is a thin and delicate piece of china inscribed with the word Reputation . As you are all Regency buffs, you don’t need me to tell you that establishing and defending one’s reputation was paramount in Regency culture. Failing to do so came with serious social implications. Well, failing to do so today will result in serious romantic implications. At the base of each post, you will find ten gossip balls with which you will try to destroy your rivals' reputations. On my mark, you may get as close to the other women’s posts as you’d like but remember: every step you take towards their reputation is a step away from defending your own. The last two women with unbroken reputations will be going on a two-on-one date with Mr. Adamson…in this!”
Suddenly, the chopping sounds of a helicopter drew everyone’s gaze heavenward. The aircraft then descended, hovered for a moment, and landed in the field adjacent to their challenge.
“That’s right. Two of you will be accompanying Mr. Adamson on a trip to the future. This time machine will whisk the three of you over the English countryside on your way to Winchester. There, you will experience the beautiful charm of one of the UK’s oldest cities, enjoy fine dining, and visit such sites as King Arthur’s roundtable and Jane Austen’s final resting place.”
Jack squealed with uncontrollable excitement. And while somewhat more inhibited than Jack, the girls still seemed enthused. Naia jumped up and down, Elena grabbed Lily’s shoulder to stabilize herself, and everyone else - other than Zuri - cheered with joy.
“The best part: since you’ll be back in the twenty-first century, you will be allowed access to modern amenities. That means makeup. That means a warm shower. That means deodorant and anything else you have not had access to here in the early nineteenth century.”
“I don’t know if that’s the best part,” Dani said with a flirtatious glance at Jack.
“So,” Mick continued, “are you ready to defend your reputations?”
“Yes!” came the synchronized cry.
“Then get down there and take your positions.”
As the girls ran down to find their names on the posts, Jack identified Mick’s oversight. The game was completely unfair. Though the posts were sufficiently spread out, the girls who had the good luck of being assigned a post on the outside of the group only had to defend the one-hundred-eighty degrees facing their opponents. However, the girls with an interior post were forced to defend the entire spectrum of their surroundings. Fortunately, Dani’s assignment was on the exterior, but so was Zuri’s.
“Alright!” Mick yelled so everyone could hear him. “Is everybody ready?”
The real contestants nodded with intensity.
“Go!”
In an instant, the game was afoot. While everyone else reached down to pick up a handful of gossip balls, Zuri moved aside and gestured for the other girls to take an open shot. The few who noticed hesitated as if they thought she was trying to trick them into giving up their defensive positions. Still, Izumi made an attempt, but it missed wide right by no less than five meters.
“Izumi!” Jack shouted. “Try with the other hand! Yeah! Maybe you’re right-handed!”
She wasn’t.
Naia was definitely the most athletic of the group. It helped that she was stationed on the outside, but Jack was certain she’d have done some damage from the interior, too. She took out Lily and Connie with two consecutive throws. Chloe’s strategy seemed to include a terrible amount of goading. When Izumi took the bait, Naia took her out. But as she did, Dani threw a Hail Mary from the other end of the field that grazed Naia’s dish with just enough force that it spun off the stand and broke against the top of the post. Even in defeat, Naia exuded joy with her trademark smile, a feature Jack found quickly becoming one of his favorites of any of the girls.
“Aw, what’s wrong, Dani?” Chloe asked. “Rags getting in the way of your range of motion? I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Elena. The only thing funny is that butch sound you make every time you throw a ball.”
“I don’t make a…”
Elena was interrupted by the sound of her dish breaking, courtesy of another Dani Hail Mary.
“And then there were three,” Chloe said.
“ Zuri, what are you doing?! ” Jack thought to himself. “ Break your own dish already! ”
Zuri’s eyes grew with apparent realization as if she'd read his mind. She turned, looked at her dish, and…
“Hey, Zuri!” Chloe called out. “What happened? Did you run out of crazy?”
Zuri turned slowly as a couple of balls whizzed past her head, missing her dish.
“I mean, you’re insane enough to break onto a television set but can’t muster enough freak rage to pick up a single ball for the man you supposedly have an undying love for? If you ask me, you’re not here for love. You fame-desperate, clout-chasing…”
Thump!
Clearly, Zuri was not aiming for the dish. After the ball struck the bullseye on Chloe’s big mouth, she lost her balance, reached out to stabilize herself, and knocked over her reputation.
“My veneer. My veneer! AHHHHHHHHH!!!” Chloe screamed as she held her hand over her bloodied mouth.
Everyone on set seemed just as horrified. But Jack was sure his and Zuri’s horror stemmed more from having to go on a date than from Chloe's broken tooth. All at once, everyone in the vicinity ran to Chloe’s side.
“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” Zuri asked.
“You’re not sorry! You meant to do it. Ohhh….I LOOK HIDEOUS!” Chloe cried.
“It’s really not that bad,” Naia said.
“Yeah, Chloe,” Jack assured her. “You still look…”
Chloe lowered her hand from her mouth.
“...AHHH…some! So awesome.”
“Zuri should be disqualified!” Chloe demanded.
“Yeah. I should.”
“Yeah. She should,” Jack agreed.
“I don’t know,” Naia chimed in. “I don’t think anyone would purposefully do something like that. We were all throwing them as hard as we could. Anyone could have hit anyone. That’s just part of the game.”
“I’m sorry, Chloe,” Mick said. “We can’t add to the rules after a competition’s begun, or else we open ourselves up to a lawsuit.”
“Yeah,” Elena agreed. “I mean, if you should win because you got hit in the face, then I think I should win because you kept taunting and harassing me.”
Chloe shot Elena an angry glare.
“Can we get the medic over here?!” Mick called out.
As the medic looked her over, Jack went around the group, giving each of the losers a hug as a consolation prize. The scented powders and floral waters were at least somewhat effective at masking their body odors, but still, he wished Mick made deodorant permissible. Jack didn’t even want to imagine what Dani smelled like with no powders at the Shunning Place. So he didn’t. And instead of hugging her, Jack just pointed at Dani from a distance and applauded her victory. Then he spotted Zuri standing about ten meters away from the group, waving him over.
“And…congratulations to Zuri!” Jack said as he jogged over and threw his arms around her. “What were you thinking!?” he whispered.
“I don’t know! I just got carried away! Chloe’s an absolute scrubber!”
“Hey! That’s my girlfriend…well…one of my girlfriends you’re talking about!”
Ignoring him, Zuri continued, “I can’t do a helicopter ride with you! I can’t do a two-on-one. I can barely stomach an eight-on-one! What do we do, Jack?!”
“Again with the whispering,” he heard Elena say as he realized the whole cast was probably watching - trying to discern their sweet nothings.
“I…I don’t know!”
“Come on, man! I thought you were witty! I thought you always had some improvised scheme to get you out of situations like this.”
“I know! Normally, I do! But I’ve got nothing! Wait…”
“What?”
“Kiss me.”
“What?” she asked after pulling away.
Jack pulled her back in and whispered again, “Kiss me.”
“You must be out of your bloody little mind!”
“Do you end up embarrassed by everything you say or just the things you say to me? Because you must be out of your bloody little mind if you think I would propose something so vile if it weren’t the absolute last possible resort for getting us out of the mess you created.”
“How does kissing you get…oh! The Regency Rules of Decorum! But wait, isn’t there some other rule I could break to get sent to the Shunning Place?”
“How would I know!? They’re posted in your room! Haven’t you read them?!”
“No! Why would I?! I was supposed to go home last night, you tosser!”
“Twit! Just shut up and kiss me!”
“Ahhhh!”
After her whispered scream, Zuri and Jack each grabbed the other’s face. He could tell it probably looked more like they were trying to land a Brazilian jiu-jitsu chokehold than pulling closer for a kiss, but he also knew it was the best either of them could do under such circumstances. Still, no kiss came. Every time she got the gall to move in closer, he instinctively pulled away. And whenever he felt brave enough to let it happen, her neck tweaked back in impulsive repulsion. This went on for at least thirty seconds before Jack remembered everyone was watching.
“What are they doing?” came Izumi’s voice.
“I don’t know,” Naia responded. “I think they’re doing that sensual thing where they get as close to each other as possible without actually kissing.”
“I’m jealous,” Lily said. “It’s kind of hot.”
“Also smart,” Elena added. “She won’t have to go to the Shunning Place.”
“Gross,” Chloe said with an accidental whistle from her chipped tooth. “I’ll break this up.”
Zuri’s eyes got big as she looked around Jack’s wincing face.
“Chloe’s coming!” she whispered.
“Do it! Do it now!”
Their lips moved forward with the speed of straining slugs. Tensed and tight, their mouths made sure if they ever came into contact, they’d be too closed to inhale even the most minuscule molecule belonging to the other person.
“Jack,” Chloe said, “can I steal you away for a second before…”
Then it happened. Her hyperflexed lips collided with his. It was quick and uneventful. But for a half second of the second it lasted, he thought he sensed their relaxation, maybe even the delayed graze of contemptible enjoyment. She pulled away, wiped her lips in apparent disgust - indicating the probable error in his assessment, and then the alarms sounded. Jack spun around to find Chloe awkwardly standing there, with Maude the Shunner beelining towards them.
“Tsk-tsk! Tut-tut! Your time tonight is done! Tsk-tsk! Tut-tut! For now you have been shunned!”
“Oh, wow!” Mick exclaimed into the camera after the alarm shut off. “What an insane turn of events. Zuri B has broken the Regency Rules of Decorum and will thus be immediately sent away. Forfeiting her date with Mr. Adamson and the comforts it came with, she will instead spend the night in the Shunning Place.”
“Wait, does that mean…?” Chloe whistled once more.
“Yes, Chloe. It does! By default, you are the second winner of today’s challenge and will thus be going on the romantic two-on-one date to Winchester! Congratulations, my dear!”
Chloe celebrated with the same classless goading she competed with.
“But do hurry, you two. Your helicopter leaves in…thirty minutes.”
With that, Jack watched as Dani and Chloe raced each other up the field and back into the house.
“As for the rest of you,” Mick said, “we’ll see you all at tonight’s elimination ceremony.”
The losers took turns waving goodbye and blowing kisses to Jack. Then, they were excused to return to Hawthorne Hall. After they were gone, Jack looked out over the expanse of the northern lawn for one last glance at Zuri, just as she disappeared into the woods with Maude.