Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
FILTHY LITTLE MUDBLOOD
“ Y ou’re all probably wondering why there are eight new poles scattered throughout the yard.”
“Does it have something to do with today’s challenge?” Jack asked.
“Jack…” Mick said sadly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I just anti your climactic? I’ll be quiet.”
“Please try. Let’s take it from the top,” Mick said as he cleared his throat. “...I bet you’re all wondering why there are eight new poles scattered throughout the yard. Well, for today’s challenge, you will be tasked with clinging to…your virtue!”
A crew member hiding behind one of the wooden poles spun it around to reveal the word virtue etched in the grain.
“That’s right! All eight of you will be stationed on your own pole where - like regency women of yore - you will be expected to hold onto virtue for dear life. Each pole has three levels of two pegs coming out its sides. On my mark, you will all begin the challenge by standing on the lowest two pegs, which also happen to be the widest and easiest to stand upon. However, after thirty minutes, those who have not let go of their virtue will have thirty seconds to move up to the next level. As you can see, these two pegs are smaller and, thus, more difficult to stand on. If there are two or more of you still standing at the end of an hour, you will - again - have thirty seconds to ascend to the final and smallest pegs. The last one standing will be crowned the winner of today’s challenge. Would you like to know what you’ll be playing for?”
“Yeah!” Chloe and Elena both shouted.
“Just like the pole of virtue has three tiers of pegs, your reward will be a three-tier reward. First, you and Mr. Adamson will travel to downtown London where - for three celestial hours - you will enjoy a 24-karat gold, anti-aging facial, guided meditations, Himalayan salt body polishings, and sole access to the world-renowned underwater music pool of the Peninsula Spa and Wellness Centre.”
“Oh my gosh! That sounds incredible,” Connie said with desperate eyes.
“Next, after you’ve experienced deep relaxation, it’ll be the perfect time to experience real magic.”
“A magic show?!” Jack asked with excitement before remembering his promise to be quiet. “Sorry.”
Mick continued, “Thanks to our corporate sponsors - Warner Brothers - the Harry Potter Studio Tour has been completely shut down…”
“Good. It’s about time,” Jack said to himself.
“...so that you and Mr. Adamson will have private access to everything Hogwarts has to offer!”
“Wait. What?” Jack asked nervously as the women clapped ecstatically for witchcraft.
“It’s fine, Jack,” Mick whispered.
“Nope. No way. I can’t. I won’t.”
“You will because I need the sponsor’s money to keep filming, and your bank transfer still hasn’t cleared.”
Friggin’ Coutts Bank did Jack dirty. But maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as he was imagining. After all, he had no problem with wizards - just witches. And it wasn’t a sexist thing, either. Hermione was ace. Luna was acer. He only wished JK had called them wizardesses rather than witches. They didn’t deserve to be associated with the green-faced, wart-nosed hags that haunted his childhood dreams.
“Ah! Fine!” Jack whispered as he kicked at the grass and pout-paced to regain some composure.
“And finally, possibly the best prize of them all: immunity from tonight’s elimination ceremony.”
Jack instantly snapped out of his funk and shot Zuri a look that said, whatever you do, don’t win this challenge . Zuri saw his expression and raised him a you-don’t-have-to-tell-me-twice face.
“So, are you all ready to begin today’s challenge?”
The women nodded.
“Ha! I bet you wish it was that easy! For what is clinging to one’s virtue without a little temptation? That’s right. At certain intervals in the challenge, various temptation prizes will be offered to the first woman who abandons her virtue pole. I, for one, can’t wait to see which of you will choose a lesser luxury over a chance at winning a date with Mr. Adamson and immunity from elimination. And I’m sure Mr. Adamson agrees.”
Jack recalled the line they’d fed him before shooting began and said, “Yes, Mick. I think more than anything, this challenge will show me who’s here for love and who’s here…for something else.”
“I couldn’t agree more. And with that said - ladies, please take your positions.”
The contestants got to their places, and the camera crew jockeyed for the best angles.
“On my mark, the clock will start, and you’ll have ten seconds to have both feet firmly planted on the first level of pegs. Are you ready? Are you set? Go!”
“Alright. We’re approaching the five-minute mark on the second level of pegs. How are your legs feeling, Naia?”
“Great.”
“And Connie…you’re the smallest of the bunch. You still hanging in there?”
“Doing great, Mick. I think being the smallest might even give me an advantage.”
“I guess we’ll see. Zuri, what about you?”
“Fine. When are we gonna get to that first temptation?”
“Well, ask, and ye shall receive. Zuri’s ready. How about the rest of you?”
“I’m good,” Elena said. “I’m keeping my eyes on the real prize.”
“Ah. You hear that, Mr. Adamson. I’d make a note of that if I were you. But maybe we should put her words to the test.”
“Let’s do it, Mick.”
“Very well. The first woman whose feet touch the ground will be given access to…an hour-long bubble bath…a bottle of wine…and the telly! Oh! Wow! Chloe, that was fast.”
Chloe brushed off her day dress with a confident smile and said, “Honestly - I don’t think I need immunity, Mick. Yesterday’s date was perfect, and anything more at this point would just be subtraction by addition. I feel like the best thing I can do is just look and feel my best for my man.”
“Wow. Very confident. Anyone else confident enough to admit they’d give up immunity if the prize was right?”
Dani’s hand hesitated, but it did eventually go up.
The shock to Jack’s heart must have been evident on his face.
“Dani? You would?” Mick asked.
“Mhm. But only if the prize was something that would help me better connect with him, like a date of my own design or maybe a snog without being shunned.
“Well,” Mick said before pausing to think. “Let’s do it. The first contestant’s feet to touch the ground gets to kiss Mr. Adamson without any…and there goes Dani!”
Jack’s face lit up with delight.
“Dani, you’re one of only two women who has already had a kiss. Why would that be better than a three-tier date.”
“Because, like you said, I’ve already experienced it. I know how good it is. And sometimes,” she said before glancing over at Chloe, “you get addition by addition.”
Chloe glared back.
“Ooohoohoohoo…shots fired! Things are starting to heat up. Well, Dani…as promised…” Mick said with a gesture, inviting her to take her prize.
“If it’s alright, I think I’ll save it.”
Jack’s lit-up face dimmed some. But then he noticed the suggestive stare with which she spoke.
“Interesting choice, but it’s your prize, and you are free to use it any way you see fit. So, Zuri…?”
“Yeah?”
“You were the one who seemed most keen on the temptations. You’ve now let two of them go to other women. Why?”
“I know how these shows work. You’ll save the best prize for when there’s only three or four of us left.”
“Ah, is that right?”
“Yup.”
“Well, you might not be singing the same tune when you see the next temptation. The next woman…whose feet touch the ground…will be driving away in this!” Mick shouted, gesturing towards the black coupe parked in the estate’s gravel lot.
All at once, Lily, Connie, Naia, Elena, Izumi, and Zuri dropped from their poles of virtue.
Jack whined, “Oh, come on. All of you?”
“A horse-drawn carriage ride!” Mick continued just as the stagecoach appeared and passed in front of Mick’s rental car.
“Wait,” Zuri said, “so, not the car?”
At that moment, Mick turned to see all the women standing on the ground, equally disappointed by the temptation they’d succumbed to.
“No…it…it’s a very romantic carriage ride,” Mick said - anti’ing his own climactic.
“Good. I knew it was the carriage ride,” Izumi lied.
“How?” Connie shot back. “It didn’t come around the corner until after you jumped.”
“You just couldn’t see it at that angle because you’re so short.”
“Izumi’s right. I saw it, too,” Lily said. “I just figured a for-sure carriage ride with him was better than losing and getting no time with him at all.”
Suddenly, it was as if they’d been consumed by the power of the ring or the influence of a Horcrux, erupting in petty bickering and name-calling. Even Naia got involved, though her smile did not completely apparate. In the heat of their battle, Jack found himself wondering if Dani hadn’t let go for the kiss, would she too have let go for what she thought was a free car? Would she have had the same desperate response as Izumi and Lily to explain away her premature reaction? But so what if she did? Jack was sure Dani would be the first to admit she’d have dropped for a car if she was willing to drop for a kiss, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have feelings for him. With that thought, Jack determined not to judge the others too harshly. After all, none had spent more than fifteen minutes of one-on-one time with him, and if he were in their shoes and poor, he wouldn’t even blink before choosing a car over a beautiful woman he’d only spent fifteen minutes with. Still, he was keeping the receipts.
“Ladies, please!” Mick exclaimed. “I have the mind to sound for the Shunner if you do not regain control of your faculties this instant!”
They quieted down and seemed ashamed at their outbursts.
“Now,” he continued, “we still must determine which of you won the carriage ride and which of you won the date to London. Would whoever had the best wide-angle shot of all the contestants in a single frame please bring their camera forward?”
Jo… approached, apparently setting his camera up for playback as he walked. “There you go. This button zoo…This b…rewi…and this button…”
“Thank you,” Mick said, taking the camera.
It was the largest gathering around the smallest screen Jack had ever witnessed. He, all eight women, and even Thomas and Nor… gathered around Mick to see the results for themselves.
“Look…right here,” Mick said, pointing at the screen. “It isn’t by much, but this freezeframe clearly shows Izumi’s foot making first contact.”
“Yay!” she said. “I really wanted this!”
“Sure, you did,” sassed a suddenly assertive Connie.
What was Mick doing? Why didn’t he have the girls stand off to the side, away from playback, so he could fudge the results if needed? With everyone watching, there’d be nothing he, Mick, or Thomas could do if Zuri lost the race to the ground.
“Now, we just need to determine who touched last…” Mick murmured.
“Look! It’s me!” Elena exclaimed.
“Dream on. My foot’s still in the air.”
“That’s because you’re so short. I don’t think it’s fair that she had so much further to fall than the rest of us.”
“You’re both mad as a cut snake,” said Lily. “My feet are at least a few centimeters higher than either of yours.”
“That will do,” Mick warned as he scrolled the footage forward. “There. Right there. Ten feet touching; two feet hovering.”
“Zuri…” Jack whispered.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she quietly complained.
Mick held up the camera and proclaimed Zuri the winner. Jack couldn’t believe it, and judging by Thomas’s whimpering countenance, neither could he. As Mick directed everyone back to their positions to film his final thoughts and the girls’ reactions to the challenge results, Jack rushed to Thomas’s side, using the bustle to camouflage their conversation.
“Mate, I’m so sorry. But I promise, that was not planned.”
“I know, Jack.”
“And I promise, nothing is going to happen in London either.”
“I know. I’m not worried about that. I trust you. I just…I need some bloody sleep! Now she’s got immunity, which means another night with no help, and…”
“Where’s Talia?” Jack asked.
“Napping,” Thomas said as he held up his phone to show Jack the black and white livestream of her crib.
“And Tae?”
“Down by the stables, waiting for this to get done so we can go riding for the ten thousandth time!”
“Let me take him.”
“What?”
“Yeah. Let Zuri and me take him with us so you can nap with Talia.”
“No. I wouldn’t want to burden you.”
“Are you daft? Tae? A burden? Thomas, I’m about to spend an entire day with your sister - bouncing back and forth between awkward silence and rage. I’m not trying to do you a favor. I’m trying to do me a favor. Do you know how much better the acest kid in the world makes that experience? I’d at least have someone to talk to - someone to have fun with. Please, Thomas. Do me this favor!”
Thomas looked pleasantly shocked at the proposition. “Yeah! Yes. Of course. Thank you.”
“No. Thank you. It’ll also be nice to have a little chaperone tagging along who can vouch for me that absolutely nothing suspicious is going on between us.”
“Jack. I don’t think it’d be that hard to disguise romantic feelings from a four-year-old. But like I said, I trust you.”
“As you should. Now, go get him ready while I see to this whole carriage ride thing with Izumi.”
Jack’s carriage ride with Izumi went…fine.
Tae must have felt like it was all for him. With Jack and Zuri avoiding all forms of communication, he became the center of their worlds throughout the entirety of their limousine ride to London. At the spa, Jack purchased the works for his little pal and made sure Tae’s massage table and lounger were always stationed between his and Zuri’s. However, once they arrived at the Harry Potter Studio Tour, avoiding one another escalated into competing for Tae’s love.
“Tae,” she said. “I’m so excited to be here with you! Did you know Grandma and Granddad took your dad and me to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in the cinema when we were little?”
“No.”
“Well, they did. And we had so much fun! I even got a crush on Ron Weasley - despite him throwing up slugs. Who’s your favorite character?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s right, Tae,” Jack said. “No one should have a favorite practitioner of witchcraft. Wise choice.”
“Umm…Uncle Jack,” she said - addressing him personally for the first time all day, “he said he wasn’t sure, not that he didn’t have a favorite. There’s nothing wrong with fictional witches, is there, pal?”
Tae shrugged his shoulders.
“Aunt Zuri, isn’t that an irresponsible thing to be teaching the lad?”
“No.”
“No? Are you saying there’s nothing wrong with a sea witch who steals voices and enslaves mermaids all in the name of botanical decor? What about a witch who sends legions of flying monkeys to kidnap little girls and unstuff scarecrows? I’m sure there’s nothing wrong - in your eyes - with a fictional witch who murders lions, turns innocent forest creatures into stone, and bribes little boys with tasty Turkish sweets. I bet you loooove witches who curse baby princesses to prick their fingers on the spindle of a spinning wheel…and die!”
“No. I’m simply saying there’s nothing wrong w?—”
“Uh, I’m sorry to interrupt,” Mick said, “but we’re going to need to get some shots soon of just you two.”
“Right,” Jack said before bending down to Tae’s eye level. “Hey, bud. We’re gonna need you to go stand with Uncle Mick for a bit.”
“We don’t need to do it now,” Mick clarified. “Here, let’s do this: why don’t we all take fifteen…twenty minutes? Use the toilet, get some water, take Tae around to see more of the sets and props, and then we’ll all meet back here.”
Mick and the crew divided and went their separate ways, leaving Jack alone with Tae and Zuri.
“You need to use the toilet?” Jack asked.
Tae shook his head and said, “I went in the pool.”
“Oh. That was you? I thought Aunt Zuri was the one who made the pool dark blue.”
“Funny,” she said. “So, Tae, should we go see the forbidden forest, or do you want to go see where all the wizards and witches made their potions?”
Jack winced at the word witches , and the imagery of cackling old shrews reciting incantations over bubbling brews made him feel dizzy again.
“Potions!” Tae exclaimed.
“Sounds good to me. What say you, Uncle Jack?”
“It’s fine. Yeah. Fine. Whatever Tae wants.”
Jack tried to keep it together, but as they walked, the floors felt like they were moving in every direction. The prop-filled hallways elongated and then dimmed as the sides of Jack’s sight began to close in. He needed fresh air. He needed to save his nephew. The thought gave Jack the strength to push back against the walls of his tunnel vision. Without saying a word, he picked up Tae, threw him over his shoulder, and ran through the corridors of Hogwarts: the school of wizardesscraft and wizardry.
“Jack!” Zuri shouted after him.
She was on her own. He didn’t have enough strength to carry them both to safety.
“Godspeed, woman!” he shouted back at her before spotting the bright green lights of the exit sign.
He burst out the door, lowered Tae to the concrete ground, and gasped at the pure, muggle air of downtown London.
“You okay, little man?”
Tae nodded with apparent confusion. Moments later, the exit door flew open once more.
“What in the world was that?!” Zuri demanded.
“I had to…for the boy!”
“He was having fun!”
“You were having fun! Tae was petrified.”
“Is that right?” she asked.
“Yes!”
“Alright. Then why don’t we ask him?”
“Excellent idea. Tae, you weren’t not not having fun in there, were you not?”
Again, Tae nodded in confusion.
“You see?”
“Oh, come off it, Jack! You’re so bloody selfish! It’s disgusting!”
“I’m selfish?”
“Yes! And it’s one thing to not care about my or Edie’s feelings just for your kicks and giggles, but it’s another thing entirely when you’re willing to ruin an experience like this for a child who you claim to love like a nephew all because of some ridiculous phobia a mentally healthy man would have gotten over long before his early-thirties.”
“Oh yeah? Well, if I’m selfish, what does that make you?!”
“ Me ?! What did I ever do to you!?”
“Hmm, let’s see. One year, when you came to visit Summer Fields, you called me Jack A in front of Joel McGowan - inspiring him with the name by which he would torment me until graduation!”
“It’s your name! Jack A…damson!”
“You knew what you were saying!”
With every comeback and rebuttal, the momentum generated by their impassioned fury slowly closed the distance between them.
“So that’s it?! One thing I did?!”
“Oh, I’ve got plenty more, sister!”
“As do I!”
“ You dinged your dad’s car and told him I backed into it!”
“ You spiked my Sweet Sixteen punchbowl with laxatives! And then you drank some!”
“No one can resist cranberry-pomegranate! You hacked into my Facebook and marked my status as in a relationship with my mum! She didn’t know what the notification meant…and she accepted!”
“I only did that because you secretly filmed me kissing a picture of Nick Cannon, superimposed Danny DeVito’s face, and posted it on YouTube!”
“ You stinkbombed my first guy/girl party.”
“ You stinkbombed my piano recital.”
“ You told my prom date I wet the bed when I was eight!”
“ You wrote on my prom dress in invisible black light ink, so at the dance, it lit up with the words ‘Sorry, guys. I’m not as easy as I look!’”
“Would you have preferred I wrote the opposite?!”
“ Arghhhh ! Tosserrrr!!!”
“Twiiiiiiit!!!”
Before he knew how it happened or who was responsible, Jack found himself surprisingly receptive to the passion with which she joined her lips to his. He enjoyed the taste of her mango lip gloss and welcomed the hands that refused to let go of his weakened jawline. With one fervent kiss, more than two decades of pent-up hostility was expelled from his body - making room for the tingling excitement of something new, reciprocated, and forbidden.
“Can we see potions now?”
In a sequence of unplanned synchronization, Jack and Zuri gradually opened their eyes, unlocked their lips, let go of one another, and slowly began turning their heads toward the source of the question. They found the adorable child, they’d forgotten all about, staring up at them.
When neither of them answered, Tae asked again, “Can we?”
Jack opened his mouth to respond but discovered a vocal box bereft of sound. It was a simple yes or no question. Why couldn’t he answer? Probably because the only question Jack wanted to answer was, Should I tell my dad about what I just saw, or keep your secret locked up and buried so deep inside that I eventually forget all about it?
Just as Jack was about to answer the question Tae should have asked, the boom of the exit door opening startled him into silence. It was Nor…, and he was rolling.
“Hey guys!” Nor… shouted with all his might back into the building. “I fou.. them!”