Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
SPILLING THE BEANS
J ack and Zuri took turns checking every ten minutes, but each time they cracked the door, they found a restless cameraman searching for sleep. Being alone with her was exactly what Jack wanted all evening. However, her tempestuous back-and-forth attitude confused him and made it difficult to know how he ought to act. So, he determined to match her demeanor until the moment her demeanor softened—if that moment ever came.
“This is loony,” she said. “I’m tired. And I’m starving.”
“Well, suck it up, buttercup. There’s nothing we can do but wait it out.”
“This is all your fault, you know.”
“My fault?” Jack asked.
“Yes. You’re the one who had Avi bring me here.”
“I didn’t have her do anything.”
“Right. I’m sure you also had nothing to do with her talking you up the whole way here.”
“I don’t need talking up. Besides, if you hadn’t kissed me, I wouldn’t have told her about wanting to know what the heck was going on with you.”
“I didn’t kiss you, Jack.”
“At the very least, you did kiss back.”
“So what? People make mistakes every day.”
“Your face is a mistake….” he muttered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
Obviously, she was in no condition to admit anything about what transpired between them, so he continued to wait. But in the meantime, he was getting hungry, too. He sat down on the old wooden floors. Zuri soon followed. More out of frustration than hope, Jack stuck his hands in his coat pocket, hoping to feel anything forgotten and edible: a stick of gum, a dinner mint, a long-lost pretzel…anything! Then he felt it: the small box of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans he’d purchased on his way out of the Harry Potter Studio Tour.
“ Jackpot, ” he thought as he removed the candy from his pocket.
“Brilliant!” she said. “Good find!”
“Yeah, no. Sorry, sister. Not in a million years.”
“Are you serious?” She fumed as quietly as possible. “You’re so selfish. I hope you get vomit . ”
Ignoring her negativity, Jack pulled out the first jelly bean and dug his thumbnail into its outer layer. He then held the piece of candy close to his nose and inhaled.
“What are you doing now?”
“A veteran move. I may not be a Harry Potter buff, but I know you don’t just throw one of these babies into your mouth all willy-nilly. You split it, you sniff it, and if you detect a pleasant aroma, then you eat it. Obviously.”
“Oh yeah? What flavor you got there?”
Jack took another whiff, but the smell was too faint to register.
“Tutti-fruitti,” he replied with as much certainty as he could summon.
“Alright then. Let’s see…”
Jack held the bean up to the light of the moon coming in from the large window, but with only colorless splotches to go off, he couldn’t be sure if it were tutti-frutti, vomit, marshmallow, dirt, banana, or black pepper. Jack tossed the jellybean into his mouth and bit down. As soon as his teeth penetrated the outer coating, he knew exactly what it was. But he’d die before giving Zuri the satisfaction of knowing her hopes had been realized.
“Tutti-frutti,” he said, still smiling.
“You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not,” he said as he chewed. “It’s wonderful.”
Zuri’s harsh demeanor softened as she seemed to fight off a smile. Thus, they were both bluffing in a game of facial poker - waiting for the other to fold first.
Pleh !
Jack spat it out and - with his fingernails - tried to scrape the taste from his tongue.
“Hahahaha! Vomit?” she laughed.
“Shh! He’ll hear you! Pleh !”
“Sorry,” she whispered through muffled giggles.
Jack’s memory was far from perfect, but he was almost certain it was the first time he’d ever heard her real laugh. It was…assertive, maybe a little husky, but overall pleasant. After a blueberry jelly bean proved to be an inefficient remedy for washing down the acidic taste of synthetic vomit, Jack discovered her laughter was the best medicine. Then he got an idea.
“I’ll tell you what,” he said to Zuri, who was still expelling the last little bits of chortle from her diaphragm, “I’ll share these with you under two conditions.”
“Let’s hear…”
“First, you have to eat whichever one you get without looking at it or smelling it beforehand.”
“And second?”
“And second, you earn them by honestly answering a question of my choosing.”
“Nope.”
“Fine,” Jack said, pulling one out of the box and scarfing it down. “Mmmmmm: green apple. Oh, good heavens! It tastes like a real green apple - if green apples were dipped in a mountain of cane sugar!”
“Okay, fine! But I want two beans per answer.”
“Fine. But I reserve the right to deny you a bean if I know you’re being dishonest.”
“Fine. But I reserve the right to pass on any question I feel is inappropriate or too invasive.”
“Fine. But if you choose to pass, you will then have to answer two questions in a row before receiving two jellybeans.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Once all conditions were agreed upon, Jack found himself in the position he’d sought all evening, yet he couldn’t speak.
“Well…” she said.
“Well…I mean…the question I probably want to ask most…well, not most …not like it’s the most important thing in the entire world to know…but maybe like the most relevant question I’d want you to answer…maybe want is too strong a word. Let me rephrase…”
“Jack.”
“Yeah?”
“Just spit it out.”
“ Honestly , why’d you kiss me?!” he screamed inside, but he had no interest in seeming overeager or obsessive. So, instead, he delayed.
“What’s uhh…what’s the best song of all time?”
With a peaceful smile, Zuri said, “Easy: Hear Your Beating Heart by Moxxy.”
Jack scoffed and asked, “ Hear Your Beating Heart ? Really?”
“Yeah!”
“Zuri, the butt-rock version’s not even the best version of the song, let alone the best song of all time.”
“Alright. If you’re such a musical connoisseur, what’s the greatest song of all time? And, so help me, if you say Freeway through the Danger Place , I’ll…”
“Of course it is!”
“Still? After all this time?”
“...Always.”
“Hahaha.”
“Oh, quit pretending you don’t love it.”
“I might have, but you two ruined it for me, always listening to it on repeat or playing it on your trumpets.”
“I wish. I could only ever finger-sync that song, but I finger-synced it like a champion.”
“What in the world is…you know what? Nevermind. I’m hungry, so pay up.”
Jack lifted two beans from the box and cocked his arm to toss them across the room.
“No! I can barely see!”
With that, Jack threw them across the room, fully expecting to hear the sound of jellybeans bouncing off the wood floor, but no such sound came.
“See,” he said. “I knew you’d catch ‘em. What’d you get?”
“Dirt...and…eww…earthworm.”
“Well, at least it’s a realistic combination.”
“Quick. Ask another question.”
“Alright. Let’s see…so, based on what you’ve seen, which of the girls do you think I should choose at the end of this thing?”
“Hmm. Good question, but it’s tough. Obviously, Dani’s are the biggest, but Lily’s are real. If you’re more into the stern of a woman, I’d say go with Naia. Connie was a gymnast, so that could be fun, but Izumi used to dance, so…”
“Whoa! What are you on about?”
“Answering your question…earnin’ them beans!”
“Zuri, I’m not talking about the best one-night stand. I’m talking about something that will last.”
“Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahaha!”
As Zuri’s laugh crescendoed into a mocking arrangement of musical disbelief, Jack asked, “Something funny?”
“Jack, you can’t be serious.”
“Why couldn’t I be?”
“You’re on a bloody dating show, mate! You think this is how lasting relationships are made? You think in a little over a week of hooking up with a bunch of strangers, you’ll be ready to propose, and they’ll be ready to accept? You loopy?”
“First of all, this is a regency-themed dating show: I haven’t hooked up with any of them. Second, I’ve only kissed one of them.”
“Oh! She exclaimed sarcastically. “Well, then, I take it all back! Good on you, Jack! Haha. It doesn’t even matter, and you wanna know why?”
“Why?”
“Because - Jack - you’re not serious. You’re messing with me again with all this pretended sincerity. I don’t know what you’re playing at, but I’m sure you’re setting me up for some embarrassing gotcha. Just like you did with that kiss.”
“What are you on about?”
“You know exactly what I’m on about. That kiss was nothing more than a way for you to have a good laugh afterward. Oh, look at me! I got Zuri to kiss me so I can hold it over her head and rub it into her silly little face whenever I feel like it.”
That wasn’t at all it. But the mocking tone with which she spoke was a pretty good indication that further delays were needed. He didn’t want to know her guarded response to the question he cared most about, and he certainly did not want an answer that first passed through the strainer of her anger. He just wanted to know her true feelings and intentions regarding the kiss.
“Zuri, did you want the sweets or not?” he asked - prompting her to focus and concede. “Then answer the question I asked - not the one you invented.”
“Fine. If I believed you were actually on this joke of a show to find love, and I actually believed you cared about my opinion…I would have to go with Naia.”
“Why Naia?”
“If I answer that, I get four beans, correct?”
Jack nodded.
“She’s authentic, sweet, and caring. Bean me.”
Jack counted out four beans from the box and gently threw them in Zuri’s general direction. They all hit the floor and bounced every which way until they were lost in the shadows of the already dark room.
“Thank you, Jack. Such a gentleman.”
“What? I ain’t gonna stand up and bring them to you each time you answer a question.”
“Fine,” she said as she stood. “I’ll come to you.” Zuri walked across the room and sat down next to him. With that, Jack handed her four new beans. “Thank you…blueberry…green apple…oh, that is good. Soap. Ick! And…tutti-frutti! Not a bad haul.”
“Not bad at all. You playing for more?”
“Depends on the question.”
“Alright…let’s see… Why’d you pick Naia over Dani?”
“Pff! Dani!?”
“What?”
“The girl’s as fake as her…”
“She is not,” Jack interrupted.
“Why would I lie? She’s the most hated girl in this house.”
“Now I know you’re lying. Chloe is ten times worse than anything you’re pretending Dani is.”
“Chloe ran her mouth, but she was the same arrogant, moody wretch around everyone. She was probably the realest one, and you eliminated her. Jack, this is exactly why shows like this are absurd. I know it’s not unusual for people to put on their best faces while dating someone new, but with so little time…with the cameras almost always rolling…it never gives you time to see their worst face. Which, by the way, is a face that tends to come up a lot in marriage - when there’s a health issue, or stress, or financial problems. I guess that last one doesn’t really apply to you, but you get the point. And besides, it’s not like you’ve shown them your worst face either.”
“What’s my worst face?”
Zuri held out her hand for her payment. Jack satisfied his debts.
“Your worst face is your real face. It’s immature…”
“I haven’t shown them immaturity? I just started a food fight.”
“...it’s egotistical…”
“I don’t know if it’s egotism if it’s warranted.”
“...and above all, it’s selfish.”
That one stung but not enough to silence him. “Faces change,” he said.
“Of course. But I see no evidence of that with you. Maybe you’re not the same devious little prankster you used to be…maybe you’re not even the same drunkard or womanizer you once were… but you’re still completely consumed with yourself at the expense of all others. Look at what you did to Cliff…what that did to Mick…what you’re doing to my brother and me by keeping me on another day…what you did to Tae in London…don’t you see the pattern? You couldn’t even find it in yourself to give me a single jelly bean without getting something in return. Everything you do in life is designed to benefit you.”
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. Wasn’t giving the balloon man a multimillion-pound sports car pretty selfless? Wouldn’t Mick have settled for a fraction of what Jack had given him to help with production costs? Then again, it wasn’t normal for Jack to do things like that, but to paint him as an indefensible human being was unfair. Still, part of him felt she was spot on in her assessment.
“Well,” he said, “which is better: someone who’s born selfless and never has to work to improve - becoming stagnant and comfortable in his own unearned nature - or someone who’s born selfish but constantly works at becoming what he knows he ought to be?”
He wasn’t trying to get her, but he got her. Zuri seemed so taken aback by the sincerity and depth of his question that she answered without requesting a single jelly bean.
“I don’t know. The second one, I suppose.”
“Zuri, I know I’ve been terrible, but I also know the misery of being terrible. I am still so fricken flawed ! I get that, and I hate that. I’m not expecting you or asking you to believe that I’m suddenly perfect at being selfless. But I am telling you - whether you believe me or not - that my trajectory is perfect because my desire to change is perfect. And if I had a daughter, there isn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t give to make sure she ended up with a man like that…with a man who was trying with every ounce of him to be more worthy of her every single day, rather than resting on his God-given laurels. So what does a best face or worst face matter when neither conveys one’s true aspirations or intentions?”
Where did that come from? Jack always had the capacity for such an inspiring monologue. What he’d lacked was the inspiration. The only question that remained was whether the source of his musings was the delirium of sleep deprivation or the intoxication from her moonlit beauty. Either way, as she sat there urging him to say more with her vulnerable countenance, he decided if he were ever going to get an authentic answer to the question that brought them there, he needed to act quickly.
“Can I ask one more question - for the whole box even?”
Zuri, seemingly entranced, nodded and whispered, “Yes.”
“Honestly…why’d you kiss me?”
Her next words seemed harsh, but her tone seemed stuck in the same trance as her eyes - meek with a longing gentility.
“What is this, a pride thing? If you can get the person who’s loathed you the longest to admit she finds you attractive enough to kiss you, then your good looks ascend to some legendary level?”
“My good looks have been legendary since the womb,” he whispered as Zuri’s eyes smiled for the rest of her. “And I’m not asking what your motivations were. I’m asking what it meant to you. Was it really a mistake, or was there…something?”
She seemed to analyze both his face and question for authenticity. Her response teetered on the verge of silence.
“I’m not sure.”
Without breaking eye contact, Jack positioned himself a little closer and said, “Neither am I. May I find out?”
Zuri inhaled nervously and nodded one final time as Jack leaned in close…and found out. This kiss left no room for misinterpretation. It was no accident nor impassioned outpouring of lustful anger. It was tender and kind and well received. When it was over, Jack removed his tailcoat and draped it over Zuri’s back just as she yawned, then rested her head against his shoulder.
“Did you want me to go check and see if he’s asleep yet?” he asked.
“No thanks. This is fine.”
“Fine,” he whispered playfully before she smiled and slowly drifted off to sleep.