Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
COME ON, IRENE
“ I don’t know what to do,” he said. “I just need to know. You know? My gut tells me it was nothing more than an impulse thing - a one-kiss stand and a huge mistake. But the tiniest piece of me wonders if it wasn’t. What if what I was looking for all along - who I was looking for all along - had always been there? And despite all my efforts to be a right plonker to her and her every attempt to be a treacherous little git, we both failed? Ugh ! If I could just get her alone for thirty seconds! Why does there always have to be someone watching, listening, or filming? There’s gotta be something I can do, right? What should I do? What would you do?”
Little Nessa didn’t even look up from trying to force her dark green puzzle piece into a section of light blue.
“Nessa,” Jack said. “I’m bearing my soul to you. The least you could do is try to give me something - anything : a word of encouragement, some advice…”
With that, Nessa looked up from the puzzle and said, “Ah’m tirit. Kin ah gae ta bit now?”
The Scottish lass was a Rorschach test of words. So Jack heard exactly what he wanted to hear. “What? You don’t think I’ve tried that? A food fight was the first thing I thought of. And guess what: it didn’t work.”
“Ye’re stramyulloch.”
“Believe me, if I could, I would, but there are six other women and a camera crew out there. I can’t show up out of nowhere and ask to borrow just her. And even if I could, Nor… or Jo… or Qui… would follow us out and film the whole conversation. You just don’t get it, Nessa. This is complicated.”
“There you are, young lady,” Avi said upon entering the room. “What are you still doing up?”
“Bit Mam…the dobber made me.”
“Hey. We don’t say that word.”
“Bit Da says…”
“I know your dad says it, but that doesn’t mean he should. Alright?”
“Alricht.”
“Good,” Avi said as she gave her daughter a kiss and sat down at the puzzle table. “Now, run along,”
“Good night, Nessa!” Jack yelled after her. “Such a wise child.”
“Really? I’m surprised you understood her.”
“Oh, I understood her perfectly. Her advice was sound. It’s just too bad the problem she tried to help me solve is unsolvable.”
“What problem?”
Jack thought for a moment about how to best encode his story, then said, “Alright, let’s say you found yourself in a situation where…”
“Where you’re on a regency-themed dating show, and while you start developing feelings for the real contestants, you accidentally start having feelings for your best friend’s sister - who wasn’t even supposed to be on the show - all while having to keep it a secret from her brother or risk losing him forever? That sort of situation?”
“Are you a…telepathologist?” he asked in wonderment.
“No. Just a good guesser.”
“Lies! Tell me how you did that.”
“Haha. I don’t know. I like to people-watch, and maybe it also had something to do with me standing in the doorway for about thirty seconds before you and Nessa noticed me there.”
“You spy! You’re like a ninja.”
“Or just small and quiet.”
“You heard everything?”
“Mhm.”
Jack was thoroughly impressed. So much so that for a moment in time, he almost forgot about his dilemma. “Can I ask you a question then?” he asked.
“Mhm.”
“You weren’t in exactly the same situation as me, but similar enough.”
“With Dane?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah. Similar enough. In some ways, it was easier, and in other ways, harder. Dane and I couldn’t go on dates like you two. But you also have cameras following you around everywhere.”
“Exactly! It’s impossible. And not just to get an entire date alone with her but just five minutes alone to gauge where she’s coming from. You know?”
“You always have a plan, though.”
“I know, but this time I got zilch. I mean, I wrote her this,” Jack said, pulling out a wadded-up note from his pants pocket, “but it needs to be indecipherable by Thomas and the other women. You know…just in case, for some reason, one of them got ahold of it. The problem is I think it’s too indecipherable for Zuri to crack.”
Then Jack uncrinkled and handed the following note to Avi:
ZURI,
this MasculinE, ExTra BulkY sTud HatES The wAy your ugly Breath LEaveS A Funky afTER small in his nosTrils. HavE sOme decency. Try brusHing and flossing EveRy so often. GIngivitis is ReaL. i’m Sorry if this stinGs, bOo, buT sOmeone had to BE honest. Don’t worry: still yours,
JACK
After looking over the note for a few seconds, Avi said, “The stables? Why not someplace warm?”
“Ahh! Come on! Really?!”
“I thought you wanted her to be able to solve it.”
“Well, yeah. But not that fast.”
It was no use. Even if he were capable of writing the perfect letter only Zuri could discern, there was no way she’d risk sneaking around to meet him outside at this hour, and that’s if he could even get the letter to her without anyone noticing.
“I get it, Jack. Like you said, Dane and I were trying to figure each other out without anyone else noticing. Honestly, if it weren’t for the…”
Avi’s large eyes grew three sizes that day with pure inspiration.
“What? What is it?!” Jack asked with hopeful excitement.
“If only I could…yes! I can!” she said.
“Tell me, Avi. Tell me!”
“Listen. I will help you. But only on one condition.”
“What was it called? Eileen in The Sleigh?” Jack whispered to himself as he scoured the library bookshelves for the title Avi mentioned.
Turning the lights on came with the risk of waking whichever crew members were stationed in the adjacent bedroom, so Jack used the light of a candle to comb through the wall of book titles. Avi hadn’t explained why he was looking for it. Rather, she merely told him to find it, read it, and she’d take care of the rest. The only thing he had to do was promise never to tell another living soul what he found in its pages.
Maybe Avi had lost her mind. After all, she was always a little odd. And perhaps being in the constant company of individuals dressed and acting like people who lived some two hundred years ago was enough for anyone to ensure the leap from odd to loopy. How in the world could a book help him figure out the inner workings of Zuri’s mind?
“Moll Flanders…Candide…Evelina…Irene Id?—”
Before he could finish reading its binding, a flood of memories surrounding that very same gray book jumped to the forefront of his mind. He suddenly remembered standing in that exact same spot some six years earlier with Thomas and Jada, pulling with all their might, trying but failing to trigger what they believed to be a secret door. This time, he expended next to no effort. Jack reached for Irene Iddesleigh , gave it a gentle tug, and watched as the wall unlatched and slowly swung out towards him. He wanted more than anything to go get Thomas and show him the discovery, but he remembered his promise to Avi to tell no one. So, instead, Jack entered, closed the bookcase behind him, and began searching for whatever it was Avi wanted him to find.
After flipping on the light switch, Jack surveyed the dark academia design of the hidden room. Two potted ficus trees grew by the window. On Avi’s desk, a zen garden beckoned Jack to write something inappropriate in its sand, but before he could, he noticed the framed family photo and macaroni sculpture next to it - no doubt Nessa’s handiwork…or maybe Dane’s. The large wall opposite the room’s secret entrance was decorated with old framed letters and a painting by someone named…Urias Alrest…or something. Where was the wisdom? Where was Avi’s plan? Then the obvious dawned on him: this was the place out of sight and out of mind where he could pick Zuri’s brain. It was clear why Avi had run off so quickly after telling him to go find the book: she was going to bring back Zuri.
For twenty or so minutes, he paced, pondered, and rehearsed different things to say. Then he heard a click . Before long, Zuri entered the room in her shunning rags, followed by Avi.
“Do you remember your way back?” Avi whispered.
“Yes, thank you,” Zuri said as Avi left them alone and closed the door. Zuri looked at Jack as if waiting for him to say something. When he didn’t, she took the initiative. “So…”
“So…uhh…thanks for coming. How, uh, how did Avi get you out of there?”
“She just pretended to be one of Mick’s co-producers and said there was an emergency phone call for me.”
“Ace. Avi’s brilliant - a little quiet - but amazing once you get to know her.”
“I know her. We met at Thomas’s wedding.”
“You weren’t at Thomas’s wedding,” Jack chuckled.
“Why wouldn’t I be at my brother’s wedding?”
“I don’t know, but I think I’d remember if you were there.”
“Why would you remember? You were probably looking for some zit-faced urchin with glasses if you were even looking at all. But I remember you. If I recall, you were getting trollied with a very busty brunette.”
Jack felt the flames of embarrassment rush over his face as he mustered, “Yeah, well…people change.”
“Says the man who’s now on a dating show sifting through a buffet of such voluptuous women?”
Jack had no further justification, so he settled for an immature retort. “Jealous?”
“Really? Is this really why I’m here? What do you want, Jack?”
“You know.”
“Do I?”
“Yes. I want to know why you kissed me.”
“Ha! Me kiss you?! Are you blatted?”
“No, but I’d prefer to be if you ever decide to kiss me again, so make sure you give me enough forewarning next time before you throw yourself at me.”
“Next time? Try never.”
“Great, well, I guess that answers all my questions. Don’t let the secret door hit you on the way out.”
Zuri shook her head and let out a frustrated chuckle, lifted the latch, pulled open the door, and stepped out into the library before immediately jumping back into the hidden room. Silently, she attempted to close the door before Jack approached to see the reason. Right before it was completely closed, Jack nudged Zuri out of the way, turned off the light, put an eye up to the small slit of space between bookcases, and was horrified by what he saw: Nor…
“What is that barbarian doing,” Jack thought, “sleeping shirtless on a public couch like that…treating Hawthorne Hall like his own personal domicile? Where was his nightshirt? Where was his decency?”
Jack did not enjoy the frumpy and jiggly curvature of Nor…’s bare back or the ample foliage of sweaty body hair adorning the pale underbelly, but the man’s presumption and rudeness put Zuri on the verge of gagging. And Jack loved him for it.
As Nor… tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, Jack closed the latch and gestured for Zuri to be quiet.
“What is going on, Jack?” she whispered.
“I don’t know. Maybe he just got hot in his room.”
“So…what? Are we just going to wait in here all night?”
“Just until we know for sure he’s asleep.”
“Ugh! This is a nightmare!”
“Believe me, there are very few evils in this world that would keep me in this room another second. But I have stared into the blackest abyss of shoulder and back hair and found one such evil. We stay.”