Chapter 11
I had no idea how long it had been since my mom stomped out the door, but I hadn’t moved. I hadn’t flipped over the piece of paper or done anything but stare at the table, tears falling from my eyes.
A plate was slid in front of me and several tissues were laid next to my hand. I grasped one and wiped my face, knowing it was Ivy and she was going to sit there for however long it took for me to get myself together. The pie in front of me was blackberry and that brought a new round of tears. I pushed it away from me.
“Mom and I always share a piece of blackberry pie on Fridays at lunch,” I whispered, my voice choked.
“I know,” Ivy said, her hand rubbing my shoulder across the table.
“She wouldn’t want it to go to waste though,” another voice said.
“You eat it then. I’m not hungry.” I glanced up to look at the two women in front of me.
Ivy and Mel sat staring at me, their eyes filled with empathy and a touch of pity. It was Mel who spoke. “I can’t eat it. I have to fit into that dress in seven days.”
I pulled it back in front of me and poked at it with my fork. Mel pulled out a package of raspberry jam from the holder on the table and laid it in front of me. “Normally, I object to jam on my pie, but this time, I’ll allow it.”
I picked it up, a shaky smile on my face and opened it, spreading the jam on slowly and purposefully until every inch of the crust was covered. I forked the end of it and brought it to my mouth, but my hand was shaking too much and it fell back to the plate.
Ivy put her hand over mine to hold the fork down. “I heard what she said, but she’s not going to cut you out of her life. She loves you too much.”
Mel shook her phone. “Stan texted me. Loretta went back to work but she couldn’t stop crying. Her supervisor had to send her home. Stan calmed her down, but she feels terrible about what she said.”
I shrugged and laid the fork down so I could cover my mouth and my trembling lips. My shoulders shook and it took me another two tissues before I could speak. “Now I really feel like dog vomit.”
Ivy chuckled and held my hand tightly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Addie. You have a right to know.”
“Maybe, but I obviously hurt her in the process. That’s not what I wanted.”
Mel took my other hand and patted it on the table. “I think we all knew asking her would hurt her, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. You can’t go through life wondering. Look at me. I did it for seven years and my life was a mess. Now that I know where my daughter is, right here in my arms, I’m a completely different person and my life is finally together.”
I eyed her and while I saw where she was coming from, it didn’t feel the same. “I don’t think me knowing my father’s name is the same as you finding your kidnapped daughter, Mel. There really isn’t a comparison.”
“Actually, there is,” Ivy said. “Regardless of who it was, someone was missing in both of your lives. She has Holly back and now you have the opportunity to fill the same hole in your heart. All you have to do is flip over the piece of paper.”
I nodded and stared at the old bank receipt my mom had written his name on. “I didn’t want it like this. Now it just feels like I’ve betrayed her.”
“Did you think she would give it willingly or?” Ivy asked, her head cocked. “You said it would be a fight.”
I rested my chin on my hand. “I knew it would be a fight, but I had no idea it would hurt her this deeply or be the reason she would be willing to cut me out of her life.”
Ivy shook my hand gently. “Don’t let words said in anger rule your emotions. We’re good at that as humans, but you have to look at what lies below the words.”
“Fear,” I said instantly. “Fear and pain. Probably she also felt like I didn’t appreciate her for all she went through raising me without him. I get that. I didn’t want it this way,” I said again, shaking my head. I glanced down at the paper and shoved it toward Ivy. “Would you fold that in half with his name on the inside?”
She picked it up and God love her, she didn’t look when she did it. Then she slid it back to me.
I picked it up and tucked it in my purse. “Thanks. I’m going to take it back to her. I don’t want the information at the risk of our relationship. There’s a real possibility that no matter how careful I am, he finds out I’m looking into him. I can’t risk losing her if he comes back into our life that way.”
“That’s fair,” Mel agreed, “but think about it a few more minutes before you go over there, okay? Stan said she’s resting, so you can take a breather here.”
Ivy stood from the table and rubbed my back a couple of times. “I’m with Mel. Sit here as long as you need to. I have an appointment with the OB or I’d stay.”
“Is everything okay?” I grabbed her hand and stared up at her.
“Everything is great,” she promised. “He’s monitoring my weight closely and the baby closer since I’ve been so sick. It will be routine and Shep is meeting me there.”
“Promise to text me when you’re done, just so I know for sure?”
“I promise you both a text in the group chat and, if we’re lucky, I’ll even get a shot of baby on the screen. See you tomorrow at two at the park?” she asked us both and we agreed, waving as she headed to her office.
I smiled at Mel. “I’m glad you decided to go for it with the gazebo!” I forced excitement back into my voice. “I prayed so hard every night.”
She grinned and broke off a piece of crust from the blackberry pie, even though it was covered in raspberry jam. She popped it in her mouth and her eyes opened wide. “Holy crap, you might be onto something there,” she said, grabbing a fork and taking a bite of the pie, berries and all. “Oh man,” she moaned when she swallowed. “That’s …”
“To die for?” I asked, taking a bite myself.
She pointed her fork at me and took another bite. We finished the pie together in silence. I knew she was being a replacement for my mom just to make me feel better, and I loved her for it.
“It turns out, Mason wanted to get married there equally as much but was worried about my feet. Once I told him Shep had offered us the heaters he was all in. Holly danced around the living room for twenty minutes when we told her.”
My hands went to my chest and my awww meter went off the charts. “What a sweetheart. I bet she was so excited to have her mom and dad get married next to the big tree.”
She nodded, her smile firmly in place even though a bit of spark had gone out of her eyes. “She was, but now she says she isn’t so sure she wants to do the adoption ceremony there.”
“Or at all?” I asked, suspecting that was the real truth.
She shrugged and her eyes strayed to the kitchen where Mason was still working. “It’s killing him, but he won’t talk about it with me.”
I took her hand, knowing it was my turn to comfort her. “He knows she’s a kid and life has been rough for her. He doesn’t blame you or her. When I got here, he told me he’d marry you today if you or Holly would go for it.”
“He’s afraid of losing us. It’s been that bad. He thinks I’ll choose her over him because she’s my daughter.”
I waved my hand. “Wait, I thought you said he won’t talk to you about it.”
“He won’t, but I live with him, I can read between the lines. He loves her so much and she loves him like the moon loves the stars.”
“Then what’s the problem? She still feels guilty about your dad?”
“That’s all the therapist can tell me. Holly isn’t talking, to anyone. She’s constantly wound up tighter than a drum and hardly sleeps. She’s at school for the first time all week and it’s Friday. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t gotten a call that she wants to come home. The school is being good about it since the holidays are coming, but I don’t know what I’m going to do if we don’t figure this out soon. She’s losing friends because she doesn’t want to play. She went to a birthday party last weekend and it was a miserable disaster.”
I nodded as she stared out the window in thought. “Ellis told me he met her. He said she seemed to have a hard time connecting with the other girls, but she was the only one who focused on the actual yoga class.”
Her head snapped back to me. “You’ve been seeing Ellis again?”
“I never stopped seeing him,” I said, laughing. “But that’s beside the point. We were talking about Holly.”
She nodded and bit her lip. “She took an old bath towel from the cupboard after she got home and was practicing some of the positions she learned. I find her in her room doing some of them, just sitting there staring at the floor or the wall.”
“About that,” I said slowly, remembering my discussion with Ellis earlier in the week. “Ellis said he’d find room in a class if you thought it would help her.”
She leaned in at me, her momma bear eyes sparking. “You told him she was having problems? Why did you do that!”
I held my hand out to calm her. “I didn’t have to, Mel. He works with kids. He had her pegged the second she walked into his studio. He said she went from anxious and unable to focus, to calm and relaxed during the short lesson they had. He thought maybe knowing a few more poses would help her calm herself when she was upset. I never said a word.”
She rested her forehead in her hand and shook it. “Great, now perfect strangers can see there’s a problem with my kid.”
“Mel, I don’t think there’s a person in this town who didn’t realize Holly was going to have a hard time at some point. Coming to terms with what happened to her, and you, is going to take time. You’ve done everything you should have, from the therapist to giving her space and time to talk about her feelings. Marrying Mason is another big change, but you’ve given her a year to see you guys aren’t going anywhere. It might be as simple as she needs to see you get married in order to feel secure again. Then she’ll be ready for Mason to adopt her and for you to move on as a family.”
“And if she doesn’t?” she asked, glancing up.
“Then you keep finding ways to help her talk about her feelings.”
She thought about that quietly for a few moments before she spoke. “You said Ellis would let her into a class? Do you know how much the classes cost?”
“I know he offered to get her into any class she could make it to. He also offered a month free to make sure she liked it before you put any money into it.”
Mel shook her head. “He can’t do that. He has a business to run.”
“He said he wants to thank the community for helping him after the break-in. He figures everyone in this town would prefer to see a child benefit before anyone else.”
She bit her lip and chewed on it a bit. “He’s right there. Guess he knows the town better than I thought.”
I laughed and grabbed my phone, sending him a text. “Let’s see if he has any classes open this weekend, should we?”
“Addie,” she said, but I had already sent the text.
My phone dinged and I read it out loud to her. “He is booked tomorrow with a birthday party, but if you aren’t busy tonight you could bring her over around five. He doesn’t have a class, but he definitely doesn’t mind teaching Holly one-on-one.”
Mel rubbed her forehead. “I can’t tonight. I have to help Mason at the community table. He’s doing his turkey soup dinner he does every year.”
“That’s okay,” I said, shooting him a text at the same time I spoke to her. “I’ll take her. I’ve been wanting to learn some basic positions anyway and I haven’t had time to get to a class. That gives me enough time to go see my mom and then pick Holly up at your house after school. Do you think she’ll go with me?” I looked up from my phone and she sat there with her mouth open.
“Of course, she’d go with you anywhere, Addie, but why do you want to spend your Friday night with an eight-year-old? She isn’t exactly herself right now.”
I took her hand and gripped it tightly. “I know she’s not and that’s why we’re doing this. Let’s get her into the studio, help her relax, and then see if she opens up to you. Besides, I’ll be spending my Friday night with an eight-year-old I love, and a twenty-five-year-old I have a massive crush on, so win-win.”
We both snickered like schoolgirls in the schoolyard before I left the diner to right some wrongs.
The trip to Morningside Drive was quiet and reflective. By the time I knocked on Stan’s door, I had no doubt I was making the right decision. I knocked again, this time hearing hold your horses from inside. When the door opened Stan stood there, his face lined until he saw mine.
He pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back a couple of times. “Mel told you?”
“Yeah, she mentioned Mom was upset and so was I, so I decided we needed to talk.”
He released me and held me out by my shoulders. “She’s extremely upset. I’ll let you talk to her, but only if you promise not to tell her she’s being disrespectful of you or unfair. She’s hurting, Addie.”
I sighed and stared down at the ground, shame filling me. “I know, Stan. I had all my points laid out, but then everything fell apart. I know she’s always tried to protect me.”
“But you don’t need protecting anymore because you’re a grown woman.”
I shrugged and didn’t make eye contact. “Maybe I need a little less protecting and a bit longer leash, but if she can’t handle that then neither can I.”
He stepped back and let me in, pointing down the hallway to his den. Mom sat on the couch staring at daytime television. She hadn’t watched a day of daytime television in her life, and she wasn’t today either. It was on, but she wasn’t there. She wasn’t even in the room. A tear tracked down her cheek and she’d wipe it away, then go back to staring.
“Mom,” I finally said, walking in and lowering my purse to the floor. “Mom, I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice cracking to see her in so much pain. “I didn’t mean to upset you like this.”
She didn’t speak, instead closed her eyes and laid her head back on the couch, taking a deep, shaky breath. I wiped away a tear from her face and waited for her to say something, anything. “You got what you wanted, Addie. I just need a few days now.”
I reached into my purse and pulled out the piece of paper, pressing it into her palm. “I haven’t read it and I’m not going to.”
Her eyes opened and she stared down at the folded paper in her hand. “What?”
I shifted to see her better. “I said, I didn’t read it and I’m not going to. Ivy folded it and put it in my purse and I came straight over here to give it back to you.”
“But you said you wanted to know.” She instinctively crushed it in her fist.
“I did, do, did. I don’t know,” I said blowing out a breath. “I wanted to know, but not at your expense. Not at the expense of your trust and our relationship. I know that even if I’m careful, there’s no guarantee he won’t show back up here unannounced. I don’t want to cause problems for you and Stan nor do I want to lose you.”
“What about the wanting to be whole part?” she asked, her voice unsteady. “You were pretty adamant about that.”
I nodded exaggeratedly until my neck hurt. “I was adamant until I witnessed the toll it would take on you. It dawned on me that I’m the one who has control over what makes me incomplete or complete, not my genetics.”
She nodded, a hint of a smile on her face. “I just wish it wasn’t such a bone of contention between us. I have been protecting you, but if you see it as disrespect then you have every right to know his name. I’ve carried the burden alone because he didn’t turn out to be such a great man, Addie. He’s been in and out of prison, he couldn’t keep a job, and the reason I stopped keeping track of him when you were sixteen was that he went to prison again. He wasn’t getting out for a lot of years, so I didn’t worry about it. He might be out now, I don’t know, but if he is, he’s on parole and can’t leave the UK. He’s never coming here to haunt us unless we drag him into the light.”
I sat back against the loveseat and stared at her, mouth open. “You actually have been protecting me all these years.”
“Yep,” she said slowly.
“You really dodged a bullet, Mom,” I whispered.
She nodded, her lips trembling.
“Which means so did I. His choice to walk away was the best thing that could have happened to us, even if it was disguised as the worst.”
“It was hard in the beginning, don’t get me wrong. Once I heard about his first crime, I saw it as a blessing.”
“All these years you didn’t talk about him, I thought it was because you were still in love with him. You didn’t talk about him because you knew he was a mistake better left in the past.”
She laughed and shook her head, a bit of levity filling her again. “No, darling, I wasn’t still in love with him. I fell out of love with him the moment he walked out and left me to raise a child alone. He was a mistake I learned from and I steered clear of men for a long time. Then I met Stan and there was something about him that told me instantly I had nothing to fear from him.”
Stan walked in the room and squeezed her shoulders, kissing her cheek tenderly. “You okay, baby?” he asked, running her hair through his fingers. “Do you need anything?”
She glanced up at him and smiled. It was a look of pure love and adoration if I’d ever seen one. “A cup of tea would be great,” she answered and he looked to me to see if I wanted one.
“I’m good, thanks,” I said and he nodded, leaving the room.
“I hope you know I didn’t want to tell you the truth. I didn’t want you to know the kind of man your father is. His most recent crime was second-degree murder. He got twenty-five years. I wouldn’t be surprised if he serves it all, being that he was a repeat offender. He has also been in prison for assault and battery, and drugs. I didn’t want to tell you this, but at the same time, I didn’t want you to have any delusions about what you were going to find, so,” she sat up and put the paper back in my hand, “it’s up to you. Now you know the rest of the story about why I’ve done what I’ve done all these years.”
I took the paper from my hand and held it up for a moment before I tore it up into a bunch of tiny pieces, watching them float to the ground. “Good riddance. I don’t need your kind of trouble in my life,” I said to the paper on the floor.
She rubbed my back for a moment and smiled. “That’s the girl I know. As for the health conditions, I had a genetic panel run on you when you were little. It was a way to be sure I didn’t miss anything, considering I didn’t know his family.”
I waved my hand. “Wait, why didn’t you tell me that at the diner?”
She shrugged with acceptance. “Because you were determined to know his name. You were determined to find out who he was and if I know you, and I do, you never would have left it at finding your genetic misfortunes. You would have eventually reached out to him and asked for more.”
“You’re probably right,” I agreed. “It’s a flaw of mine.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s the best part of you. You’re always kind, loving, and willing to give people a second chance. It’s just that in this case, Sean’s beyond hope.”
“Sean?” I was more than surprised she’d used his name.
She slapped her hand over her mouth and groaned. “Crap,” she said around her hand. “See why I didn’t talk about him much? It’s really easy to forget what you’re supposed to be protecting.”
I held up my hand. “It doesn’t matter. That’s only the most common name in the world. Besides, I already have an image in my head of him wearing an orange jumpsuit. Now the name Sean is on it. Good enough. He’s being filed in the don’t think about this person again file.”
She put her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I’m proud of you. You’re a strong woman with strong convictions. I knew you’d reach the right decision eventually.”
I sighed and put my arms around her. “I just wish I hadn’t hurt you in the process. Forgive me, please?”
“Not even a question,” she promised. “I love you too much.”
Being in her arms, all the years of wondering, all the years of being torn up about who my father was, and all the years of anger I carried toward this woman for not answering my questions, faded away. I smiled because family is about the ones who have always been there for you, not the ones who walked away.