Chapter 22
I rolled over slowly and stretched, my bare breasts making it obvious how cool the room was. I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was the sun streaming through the window. It was late on Sunday morning, but considering we’d made love until nearly six, I wasn’t surprised. The second thing I noticed was him. He was at the end of the bed, sitting in the pose he called the Sukhasana. He wasn’t meditating though. His gaze took me in, from my hair to my bare toes and everything in between. In the light of day, I was self-conscious, pulling the blanket up higher. I was hiding in the light the things I never worried about in the dark. The giant globes on my chest that swayed when I moved. My generous waist that led to thick hips and thighs. A bottom that had seen its share of pie from the Nightingale Diner. It was all there in black and white, quite literally. I was a mashup of ethnicity that made for what I considered an odd and often difficult to deal with body shape. Yet, that wasn’t what I saw in his eyes.
His fingers pulled the covers off me slowly, the feeling of the sheet erotic against my chilled skin. “Don’t hide from me, Addie,” he said, his voice calm as he stared at me, completely open to his gaze. It was then that I realized, he wasn’t dressed either. The longer he stared, the more obvious his need for me was.
“I’m not.” My arm came across my chest to cover my dark, protruding nipples while I said it.
“Are you sure about that?” he asked, his voice still controlled even if his desire was obvious resting against his washboard stomach.
“I’m cold,” I answered, determined not to cover my triangle with my other hand. His gaze was intense and probing, as though he was memorizing every last inch of my skin. Every blemish, every color variance, everything.
Like a snake, he slithered from his position and slid into the bed, pulling the covers over both of us while his lips teased my nipple with his warm breath. “Let me warm you up,” he hissed, his slithering continuing down my chest to my stomach, the covers over his head. He worked his way south to the triangle I was ashamed of just minutes ago.
I writhed under him, his lips doing things to me I didn’t know existed in this world. Lost in the sensation of being loved that purely and with complete dedication, I barely registered when he pulled me to him and entered me. Our hearts took over and his thrusts matched mine with a gentleness that wasn’t there a few hours ago. This was making love to each other’s hearts as we flew into the heavens together. We held each other, his head pressed into my chest as he gasped for air, and a shudder going through him head to toe.
“Good God, baby,” he whispered, lifting his gaze to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “You’re just … I can’t … I don’t …”
I laughed softly and grasped his chin, kissing him slowly and with tongue. “Any more contractions you’d like to use?”
He shook his head, the look in his eyes pure bliss. Sated. Happy. I gasped and he tilted his head to look me in the eye. “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I think your sadness flew away.”
His finger stroked my cheek along the jawline to my lips where I kissed it. “You’re right. I woke up an hour ago and it struck me right in the heart that my sadness had flown away. I sat on the end of the bed watching you sleep and it hit me that you were the only person on this earth who was made to carry that burden with me. You made the little elves fly away on Santa’s sleigh.”
I kissed him tenderly, his lips warm against mine. “Maybe that was just good sex talking?” I asked honestly.
He shook his head, his gaze never straying from mine. “No. If we had made love without me telling you what I told you last night, my sadness wouldn’t have flown away. It would still be here this morning and so would the guilt and the feeling that I had somehow disappointed you, just like I did with everyone else in my life. That’s not how I feel this morning. This morning I’m free. For the first time since I was sixteen, I’m free. My heart is whole again, save for a few leads running through it. It”s wholly consumed with you and not because we had good sex. Let me be clear that it was actually mind-blowing sex, but I digress. It happened because we didn’t try to be someone we weren’t. You didn’t try to pretend your body was perfect any more than I could pretend mine was. You let me see the imperfections that make you perfect to me. I could sit and watch you sleep for hours. You’re mine and I have to fill my heart with your goodness to cleanse it. I understand that now.”
“I love you,” I whispered, kissing him for a heartbeat. “Even when I was mad at you yesterday, all I could ask myself was how I was going to walk away when my heart ached for you every minute we were apart.”
He shook his head, hushing me with his lips. “I love you too and I’m not walking away. Neither are you. We’ll have disagreements and we’ll fight and get mad, but I can promise you, this bed is always where we’ll work it out and then love each other through it. Okay?” he asked, stroking my forehead.
“Okay,” I whispered., huddling under the cover, a shiver running through me. “Just so you know, after what we shared last night, my sadness flew away too. At least my sadness about living life alone sequestered from anyone who might hurt me again. Please, don’t hurt me.”
He gathered me to him, his warm arms holding me with love and acceptance. He kissed my neck, his breathing ragged when he spoke. “No one will ever hurt you again, angel, including me. I hope you like me because I’m going nowhere.”
I laughed softly, his words releasing the tension in my body and I sagged against him. “I like you. I like you a lot,” I said in my best Jim Carrey voice.
He tickled my ribs, making me wiggle and squeal until he sat up and held my arms above my head. He kissed me once, but I could tell he was ready to spring out of bed rather than settle back in. “Now, no more seriousness for the day. It’s time to have some fun.”
He released my arms and stood, grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head. “Let’s shower and have something to eat, then we’re going out.”
I raised a brow and threw my legs over the bed. “Where are we going?” I grabbed my bathrobe from the floor where I’d dropped it last night.
“That’s a secret.”
“Already keeping secrets, are we?” I ran my hands up under his shirt seductively.
He grasped them and held them in place. “Don’t think you can distract me into telling you just by touching me.”
“But I could,” I answered, “I promise I could.”
He cleared his throat and lowered his brow to his nose in an extremely teacherish move. “But you won’t or we will run out of time to have some fun today.”
“I know of some fun we could have without leaving the apartment.”
He threw his head back and laughed, grabbed me around the shoulder, and walked me toward the front room. “Sorry, but we’re going to shower and then go out to have some fun.”
I unlocked the door and gazed up at him. “New plan, we shower together and then we go out and have some fun.”
My brows wagged suggestively and he jumped at me. I was quicker and ran down the stairs squealing, but he was hot on my heels.
I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment to take a break before we started off deeper into the woods. “I can’t believe we’re going to cut down a Christmas tree!”
He kissed my temple, a grin on his face. “It is December eleventh and you don’t have a tree in that apartment of yours. It was the first thing I noticed.” He pulled a two-man saw on a sled with rope at the ready to tie down our treasure.
“Just because you’ve had a tree up for a month doesn’t mean everyone has to,” I said smartly.
He snickered and rolled his eyes. “Darlin’, I’ve had a tree up since May, but I did change all the ornaments from autumn to Christmas a month ago if that’s what you mean.”
I sighed and laughed at the same time. “Fair enough, but I haven’t had time and truth be told, I haven’t cared. I love Christmas, but this year, I wasn’t feeling it.”
A smile tipped his lips as we traipsed up the trail. “I like the past tense use. Are you feeling it now?”
“I’m practically exploding with the Christmas spirit. I want to shout from the top of the Nightingale Diner how much I love you.”
He laughed, the sound echoing around the woods with joy. “The diner? That’s the best place you can think of? Your salon is higher.”
I shoulder bumped him once. “It might be, but if I shout it from the top of the diner everyone will hear me. The diner is where life happens in Bells Pass.”
He made the duck face with his lips and tossed his head back and forth. “Okay, I see your point. I can help you up there if you’d like to do that after we get back to town.”
It was my turn to burst into giggles, the feeling so freeing and encapsulating at the same time. “Well, you did promise me pie after we were done.”
He shook his head. “No, I promised you dinner.”
“Exactly what I said, pie,” I agreed. While he laughed, my eyes took in the woods around me. I pointed off to the left. “Look! That one is perfect!”
“It’s a bit small, don’t you think?” he asked, staring at the barely four-foot-tall tree.
We walked closer and circled it. I stood, hands on hips, and shook my head. “It’s perfectly symmetrical. Like I took my clippers to its branches until it was a perfectly shaped cone. I love this little guy.” I wrapped my arms around the branches carefully. “Please?” I begged, batting my eyelashes at him that I’d done up heavily with mascara before we left.
He laughed and grabbed me from the tree, walking backward until we both fell into the snow, the powder puffing out around our heads as we laughed. We made snow angels and when we sat up there was the perfect imprint of our love. He pulled me up and brushed off my back, taking extra time on my bottom until I had to jump away from him laughing.
“Grab the saw, we’re taking this one home,” I ordered, pointing to the sled.
He jogged to it and lifted it up from under the ropes, carrying it back and handing me one end. “I can only use my right arm, okay? It shouldn’t take much for this little trunk though.”
I cleared the snow away from the bottom of the tree and eyed the trunk. It wasn’t thick and a few strokes with the saw was all it would take. He watched as I prepared to make the first cut and then went hand on hip with his bad arm. “You don’t want this tree as much as you know it will be easy to cut down. I’m capable of cutting down a bigger tree, Addie.”
I laid the saw down on the ground and walked to him, sticking my finger in his chest. “Listen, Ellis. I take care of the people I love. I’m more than strong enough to cut this tree down by myself, tie it to the sled, and carry it up the stairs when we get home, but I never said you weren’t capable. This is the tree I want. My apartment is small, in case you hadn’t noticed, and a big tree isn’t going to fit. Now, would you like to resume our tree cutting or would you like to stand here and argue about who is more capable?”
“Boy, I picked a feisty one, didn’t I?” I lowered my brow and he snickered, holding up his free hand. “Let’s resume our tree cutting.” He winked and I shook my head in exasperation, picking up the saw. Working together we managed to fell the tree in a few short cuts. We each grabbed an end and lowered it to the sled carefully. He tied it down and kissed my lips in satisfaction. “It’s cute, I’ll give you that.”
I held onto his lapels and winked. “You’re cute, too. Not as cute as my little tree, but still cute.”
He lowered one white brow at me and straightened his red stocking cap. “Now, what kind of thing is that to say, Mrs. Claus?”
I tucked a lock of white hair under his red stocking cap and smiled seductively. “Maybe Santa is going to have to put me on his naughty list.”
He grasped the front of my coat and brought my lips to his. “You’re already on it. You’re on the special naughty list. The one that Santa has to check more than twice.”
I kissed him with tongue, our hot and steamy breath making circles of smoke around our heads when we broke apart. “I hope Santa checks it at least two or three more times tonight.”
He laughed huskily and kissed my nose. “If that’s the case, Mrs. Claus better get moving and stop distracting him. We’ve got some work to do first.”
I grinned, grabbed the rope, and took off at a jog, dragging the sled back in record time. While he paid the attendant for the tree, I loaded it in the back of the truck, then we jumped back in and blew on our cold fingers. “I think this day calls for a big mug of hot chocolate and a piece of pie,” he said as he turned the truck engine over, tossed me a wink, and headed toward town.
It was late but the tree was in the apartment warming up. I promised him tomorrow night we’d decorate and fill the apartment with the magic of the season, but I wanted to give it time to open its branches and fill the house with the scent of pine. I loved nothing more than the scent of pine, peppermint, or gingerbread at Christmastime.
I side-eyed the man next to me as we walked up the path in the park hand-in-hand. He wore a smile on his face and his namaste cap on his head, but he was different. He was free. He was light. He wasn’t weighed down by what he saw as the sins of his past. He had the future in his eyes now. I hoped I was part of it. He had been introspective since we decided to head to the park, so I’d stayed quiet and left him to sort what he needed to sort.
I slid my arm around his waist and leaned into him. “You’re not regretting this morning, are you?” I asked quietly, the memories of his body on mine flashing through my core.
His head turned instantly and he froze in place. “What? God no, baby. I’m ready for round two.”
We started walking again and I chuckled. “You mean round four?”
Another smile tipped his lips and he tickled my side. “I mean the rest of my life.”
It was my turn to freeze. “What?” I whisper-asked.
He pointed at the sleigh, nothing more than a hulking shadow in the darkness. “I know we were going to the gazebo, but let’s sit on the sleigh. I have a feeling the view of the tree from that angle will be completely different.”
He took my hand and pulled me behind him as we walked to the sleigh, ducking under the ropes sectioning it off. He climbed up and gave me a hand, then pulled the blanket out of the bag on the seat. It was a big red bag with a rope tie at the top. The kids loved peeking in Santa’s bag when they thought he wasn’t looking.
He spread the blanket over me and snuggled me in close to him, the bag on the other side to block the wind. He pointed at the tree and I sighed.
“Told you, didn’t I?” he asked, the tree vibrant with its blue lights stretching up into the sky.
“It’s always good to see things in life from different perspectives,” I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder.
His lips found mine in the darkness and kissed them until I shuddered under him. I pushed him away quickly when my senses came back to me. “Not in public, remember?” I hissed, glancing around the space by the gazebo and the path. I didn’t see anyone else around. It was Sunday night and everyone was probably at home preparing for work and school.
He took my hand, my finger still stiff and full of stitches, but he massaged it carefully through the glove. “I’m not going to run around this town scared of a bunch of two-bit idiots who think they’re better than someone else. That’s not how I roll.”
I gazed up at him, concern in my eyes. “I know, Ellis, but they’re dangerous. You can’t put yourself at risk for me.”
He lowered his nose to mine and the look in his eyes was enough to silence me in a breath. “You are me, Addie, don’t you understand that? I told you this morning, you’re mine and that means you are me. I would risk everything for you because I love you. Love over fear, right?”
I nodded against his nose and swallowed hard, thankful the darkness hid my uncomfortableness with being out in the open. I fingered my cell phone in my pocket and released a breath. “Love over fear. You know if you get involved with me this may not be the only time we deal with this, right? Even my mom and Stan, who are twice our age, deal with the discrimination of a white man with a black woman. Being in an interracial relationship isn’t always easy. It helps we’re in Bells Pass where everyone accepts everyone, but outside the walls of this town,” I whispered, making a loop with my finger, “everything changes.”
He rested his finger on my lips and hushed me. “I really hate that word.”
“Relationship?” I asked, stymied.
“Interracial,” he answered. “We’re not from a different race. We’re both humans. Your skin is darker than mine, but whose isn’t?” he asked. He was teasing and I laughed but held the nape of his neck to keep him close to me. “It’s a ridiculous word, Addie. Never use it again in front of me. I’m in love with a beautiful woman who has a rich ethnic background of which I could only dream to have. I don’t give a rip what anyone else thinks. Maybe they’re jealous I’m the one who gets to lie down with you at night. Maybe they’re so insecure with who they are on the inside that they have to act tough on the outside. Maybe they were taught to hate the world at an early age by their parents. I don’t really know, but the use of that word is what continues to perpetuate those hatreds and discriminations. Underneath it all, we’re all the same. I’m not sure how that got lost in translation, but somewhere along the line, those who thought they were superior decided that wasn’t the case. I’m not running, Addie. I hope you won’t either.”
I swung my head side-to-side slowly. “I’m not, but I don’t want to be stupid when we know there’s a threat out there.”
“Let them come,” he said, winking. “I called the department before we left and told them we’d be out here. They’re running extra patrols through the park tonight. I’m not worried. Those numbskulls seem to only perpetuate crimes of convenience, and the park isn’t convenient. We’re safe here, just relax.”
I sagged into him and accepted his kiss of trust, love, and comfort. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He wrapped his arm around me and snuggled me into his shoulder, resting his cheek on my head. “Do you want to get married someday?” he asked out of the blue a few minutes later.
“I do,” I answered honestly and then laughed at myself. “Apparently, I’ve already got the words down pat.”
He laughed and kissed the top of my head. “What about kids? Do you want kids? I know you have a whole five-year plan thing going.”
I turned my head to gaze up at him. “A five-year plan?”
“You said you were three years into a five-year birth control plan.”
I snickered and patted his face. “You clearly don’t have a lot of experience with birth control. I just meant that it lasts for five years if you don’t have it removed, but I’ve only had it for three so we are safe to rely on it for birth control.”
Understanding dawned in his eyes. “Oh, I see.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. You’re doing the math in your head and it’s not adding up with me breaking up with Ethan and telling you I haven’t been with a man since.”
He opened his mouth to speak but shut it again for a moment. “It’s your body, babe.”
“I had a device that needed to be replaced. At the time, I was a year into Ethan’s betrayal and not interested in men or sex, but I also didn’t want to be alone forever. I needed time to lick my wounds and find the guy who was right for me. I opted for the replacement to make life easier. It turns out, I just needed a few more years to find the guy who was right for me.”
He kissed me long and hard with enough tongue to leave my lips shiny with dew when he pulled away. “You take my breath away. Last night while I watched you sleep, I pictured you holding our little girl. She was the perfect shade of cinnamon with long brown hair tinged with ginger. She had her momma’s nose and her daddy’s eyes. She was perfect in every way.”
I gazed up at him, the love in his eyes shining bright in the darkness. “I know you want kids, and I know you’d be the best daddy Bells Pass has ever seen. You’d outshine Shep and Mason without even trying, but what about this?” I asked, patting his chest.
He held his hand there and swallowed, his face serious when he spoke. “I’m going to be here for a very long time, Addie. This device ensures that. You don’t have to worry. Please, tell me you understand that.”
“I understand, Ellis. My mom explained everything to me, but she also told me Ramona-Ward syndrome is autosomal dominant.”
He nodded his forehead against mine. “It is. I had a parent with it and I have it. That gives each one of our kids a fifty percent chance of having it, too. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have it. I know what the risks are, Addie. My mom didn’t know she had it and died. I nearly died. You can bet that when I have a child, the very first thing they will test is their heart. There are treatment options available and if they have it, I’ll be there to help them understand it and live with it.”
“You’d be a wonderful daddy. Sometimes, when we’re alone and quiet, I picture you with our son. He’s about four and sitting across from you in the Sukhasana position, his eyes closed and his breathing even. He’s tiny with glowing light brown skin. He’s got his daddy’s smile and his momma’s head of hair. He wants to do everything his daddy does and those beautiful chocolate brown eyes trust his hero with the love and innocence of a child.”
He growled and hauled me onto his lap, his lips attacking mine with trust, love, and hope that someday both those dreams would come true.