Chapter 5
Jamie
Once I’m done with my daily training, I head to the facility’s back pitch, where the kids are practising. I approach the stands and see Nick yelling at his players.
“Problems?” I ask as I join him.
“Ask me why,” he replies.
“Why, what?”
“Why did I listen to you?”
“Because you know I’m always right.”
A few months ago, when Nick wasn’t sure of his path after rugby and modelling, I suggested he consider coaching. After a trial at the Leinster Summer Camp, they hired him as the junior team coach.
He drops back onto the second step. “If we lose this one too…”
“Ah, come on now, don’t be so negative.”
“How can I not be? We’ve lost three matches in a row.”
“Shit happens.”
“I can already feel the bench shaking under my arse.”
“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re only the junior coach; yours wouldn’t be the first arse kicked out.”
“This is not helping.”
I sit next to him and watch the kids playing on the pitch. “Give them time, and give yourself a bit of time as well. They’re not a proper team yet; it’ll take a while.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Have a bit of faith, will you?”
Nick gets to his feet and lets out a sharp whistle, calling an end to training. After sending everyone into the locker room — lecture and all — he comes back over and drops onto the stands beside me.
“Done for the day?” he asks.
“Free as the wind.”
“Any plans for tonight?”
“I told Ryan I’d stop by his place to see Jamie, and then I’ll head home. I’m so tired; I’m still recovering from the wedding, and that workout really wiped me out,” I say, touching my sore shoulder.
“Problems?” Nick asks, pointing to the spot where I’m touching.
“Just a tough landing.”
“Did you ask them to take a look?”
“I’m grand,” I reply, standing up. “I just need to catch up.”
He stands up too.
“Are you coming to Ryan’s too?”
“I’ll come by tomorrow morning. I’m having dinner at Coach Madigan’s tonight.”
Coach Madigan is Casey’s dad and the former coach of the O’Connor brothers when they were younger. There is bad blood between them.
“Good luck,” I say before going down the steps and leaving the centre.
Chris opens the door while talking on the phone and gestures for me to come in as she ends the call. I close the door behind me and take a few steps into the living room, where I see someone standing with their back to me, holding my niece.
Shit.
He turns slowly, and when our eyes meet, we both feel embarrassed.
“Oh. Hello,” he says.
“Hello, Doctor…” I reply awkwardly.
We fall silent, searching for a way out of this mess. I knew this moment would come eventually, but I didn’t expect it to happen tonight.
“Here I am!” Chris walks back into the living room. She looks at both of us and asks, “Something wrong?”
“What?” The Doctor recovers immediately.
“I’m getting a weird feeling…”
“I’m sorry for barging in. I told Ryan I’d stop by.”
“Ryan didn’t mention it, but you don’t even have to say it — you are family.”
“I just came to say a quick hello. I wanted to see the little one,” I say, turning back to the Doctor, who is still holding her. “And where is the man of the house?”
“He went to get dinner with Evan. I was just on the phone with him, warning him we have two extra guests.”
“What? No, I—”
“Oh, come on. I don’t think there’s anything waiting for you at home except a ready meal in the fridge.”
“No, but—”
“No excuses. Ryan and Evan will be here any minute.” She turns to the Doctor. “Can you help me clear the table? It’s a bit of a mess.”
“As usual,” the Doctor comments. “So, well… if you want,” he says, not looking at me as he points to Jamie.
I slowly approach and open my arms towards my niece. The Doctor hands her to me, and I take her, consciously brushing my fingers against his.
I’ve never experienced an electric jolt, but I imagine that sticking my fingers in a socket would feel like this, maybe even weaker.
The Doctor immediately backs away and trails after Chris to the dining area, leaving me alone with Jamie. The electric jolt still tingles under my skin, but I know it’s nothing compared to the fallout of having the Doctor’s body to myself.
What kind of disaster have I just gotten myself into?
The front door swings open, and Evan enters the living room full of paper bags. “Hey, Jamie!” He greets me, closing the door behind him with his foot, accidentally hitting Ryan in the forehead.
“What the fuck!” Ryan exclaims, rubbing his head.
“Oh, I forgot you were there too,” Evan replies innocently.
“I could forget your eighteenth birthday and the car you want so much,” Ryan shoots back.
“What car are you talking about?” the Doctor asks as he walks back into the living room.
“Why is he here?” Ryan asks, glancing at Chris, who is helping Evan put dinner on the counter.
“He’s staying for dinner.”
“So, you’re one of the guests,” Ryan says through clenched teeth.
“Apparently,” the Doctor responds.
“Don’t you have a home of your own?”
“I just dropped by after work, and Chris insisted I stay.”
“And of course you accepted.”
“She invited me too, and I have a house as well,” I say.
What the fuck am I even saying? Why am I interfering? Why am I defending him? And why, for the first time since I’ve known the Doctor, does the way Ryan talks to him bother me?
“Can we eat before dinner gets cold?” Evan puts an end to the discussion.
Ryan snorts and helps Chris bring dinner to the table, while Evan heads straight to his seat. I remain in the living room alone with the Doctor and my niece.
“What a joyful atmosphere,” I remark, making him laugh.
“It’s more or less always the same. Ryan is not in a good mood when I’m around.”
“Ryan is never in a good mood. Don’t take it personally.”
He nods, then turns to me. “Is she asleep?” he asks, referring to Jamie.
I glance at her and smile instinctively. “Yes.”
“The buggy is over there if you want to use it.”
“Thank you.”
I walk over to the buggy and gently put Jamie in it. I look at her for a moment. Suddenly, I feel his breath on my neck, sending another jolt through me, this time stronger.
“She is beautiful,” the Doctor says.
I sigh. “Yeah.”
“And Riley and Ian are perfect together.”
“I think so too.” I gather the courage to turn to him. “About the other night…”
The Doctor looks down. “There’s nothing to say.”
“But I—”
“You had been drinking; you were overwhelmed by events; you were… confused.”
“More or less,” I say, scratching the back of my head.
“And we were probably the only gay guys invited. It was…”
“Nothing,” I force myself to say. “It was really nothing.”
The Doctor’s eyes meet mine. “Nothing,” he echoes, though his voice is no longer as firm as before.
“What was nothing?” Chris’ voice makes the Doctor turn sharply. “What are you on about?” she asks, hands on her hips, looking like someone who can smell pure shit in the air.
After all, she lives with Ryan, doesn’t she?
“Nothing!” we say in unison, too quickly.
Chris looks at us for a few more seconds, then announces, “Dinner is on the table. It’ll be waiting for you when you’re done.”
“We’re done!” we say together once again.
“I can see that…” she says, then heads back to the others.
“So.” I clear my throat. “Are we good?”
“We’re good, Captain,” he replies, still not looking at me.
I know it’s bullshit, but I also know mine is bigger than his.
When I reach the table, I take the last seat, next to Evan and opposite the Doctor.
“There are noodles, fried rice, spring rolls, dumplings, curry chicken and pork. Help yourselves. I told Ryan two more guests, not ten,” Chris says.
“That means there’ll be some leftover for tomorrow, too,” Evan says.
“You wish!” Ryan shoots back, piling his plate to the brim.
Evan talks about his training sessions and the classes he often shows up late for, which prompts his mom to comment on his commitment and dedication. By contrast, Ryan just talks the same old bullshit as usual.
“Is that all you’re having?” Evan asks, eyeing my plate with only a small amount of rice.
“I’m not very hungry,” I reply.
“After practice today?” Ryan says, shoving a whole spring roll into his mouth.
“After training like that, I’d eat whatever Ryan cooks, too,” Evan remarks.
“Hey!” Ryan protests.
“Don’t you players have a diet to follow?” the Doctor asks, joining the conversation.
“I eat everything. I burn it off anyway,” Ryan replies.
The Doctor sighs patiently.
“Actually, I do have a diet,” Evan admits. “I just don’t really care about that shit.”
“This isn’t good,” the Doctor responds. “You should take this seriously.”
“So boring,” Evan mutters, chewing his food.
“Martin is right,” Chris adds. “You should tell him that, Jamie. Maybe he’ll listen to you.”
“What do you mean by that?” Ryan asks.
“You just said you don’t care because you burn everything anyway.”
“Yes, but…”
“It’s true. You should listen to the coach and the trainers and take their advice seriously. If you want to play and become a champion…” I say.
“Like you,” the Doctor interjects.
“And what the fuck am I?” Ryan bursts into flames.
“You are my champion,” Chris says softly, stroking his face.
Ryan snorts and goes back to eating, while I keep my gaze fixed on my plate, trying to control my breathing and the familiar burn in my stomach. I haven’t touched food yet.
“Are you okay?” the Doctor asks.
I lift my head. “I beg your pardon?”
“You’re pale. You look in pain.”
“Everything’s grand.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s just heartburn that won’t go away.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“It’s nothing important.”
“Maybe Martin can help you,” Chris suggests.
Oh, yes, Doctor.
You could help me, but not with the heartburn.
“If you need anything…”
“It’ll pass.”
The Doctor nods and goes back to eating. I force down a couple of mouthfuls to avoid drawing too much attention to myself.
“I heard from Riley earlier,” Chris says. “She called to check on the baby; she calls all the time. I told her to relax and not to worry, but she needs to hear it.”
“Jamie is just fine,” Ryan replies. “The whole family is here for her, maybe even a few too many,” he adds, glancing at the Doctor.
“He’s always here; Jamie’s presence doesn’t change that,” Evan says.
“That’s true,” Ryan agrees.
“Same old, same old,” Chris scoffs.
The Doctor doesn’t react to Ryan’s provocation and continues eating in silence.
I don’t know whether this is meant to piss Ryan off even more or is simply politeness.
What’s certain is that he must have excellent self-control.
Who knows whether he can maintain the same level of control in every situation?
“Next Sunday, I’m playing,” Evan cuts into my thoughts.
“What?” Ryan snaps.
“They’re putting me on the pitch.”
“Oh my God,” Chris jumps to her feet and immediately wraps her arms around her son’s neck.
“Please don’t start. I’m not even on from the whistle.”
“I don’t care. My son is playing, and I’ll be there cheering for you, even if it’s only for five minutes.”
“We will all be there,” the Doctor says.
“Here we go again,” Ryan mutters.
“What do you want, O’Connor?” The Doctor finally reveals his true colours. “This is about my son, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Ah, there’s the Doctor’s weak spot — I knew he had one. No one is that perfect.
Fuck.
Did I just imply the Doctor is perfect?
“Please, can you not do this?” Chris steps between them. “This is an important moment, and we’ll all be there. No bullshit. Are we clear?”
“Crystal clear,” Ryan replies, still glaring at the Doctor.
“You can count on it,” he says, taking a sip of water.
Wow, what a fucking night! That’s what it’s like to have a family, especially one as fucked-up as this.
“At this point,” Evan says, “you’re coming too, right?”
“Me?”
“Of course he’s coming. You don’t want to miss Evan’s first game,” Ryan adds.
“I don’t know if I can. Maybe I have something…”
“New fling?” Ryan teases.
“What? I didn’t say that.”
“Like I don’t know you.” Ryan laughs.
I feel the urge to crawl under the table, across the floor, to get out of this house and away from this unbearable situation.
I lower my gaze, unable to meet the Doctor’s eyes. His stare weighs on me, thick with judgment, as though he’s waiting for me to confess to something I haven’t even done.
It’s as if he’s trying to claim something that isn’t his, even though he has every right to it.
I kiss Jamie on the forehead, then put on my jacket, ready to go home. I thank Chris for dinner, say goodbye to Ryan and Evan — who are intent on arguing in front of the Xbox — and head out. As I reach the door, the Doctor speaks to me.
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Hmm?”
“Your stomach ache.”
“Oh, that. I already told you it’s nothing. You don’t have to be a doctor in every situation, you know.”
“I am a doctor, and I care about my patients.”
“I’m not one of your patients.”
“True, but I still worry.”
“Why? Why the hell do you care about my stomach ache?”
He doesn’t need to know about my illness or anything else. I don’t want to live in his mind; he already lives in mine more than enough as it is. Besides, my thoughts have nothing to do with his health; they’re fixed in one direction.
“You are family,” he says seriously.
What does he know about my family?
“Not at all.”
He bothers me. His interest frustrates me. His kindness annoys me. The gentle way he cares for others upsets me, especially since he rejected me.
The Doctor doesn’t want me. I remind myself.
He reaches out, offering his business card. “If it gets worse.”
“Fuck, Doctor, it’s just a fucking stomach ache!”
“You take it anyway.”
I grab it angrily and shove it into my jeans pocket. Then I open the door and leave Ryan’s house, certain that the miles ahead, the night, tomorrow, and all the days to come will never be enough.
Nothing will ever be enough to rip the Doctor from my mind.