Chapter 6
Martin
I help Chris load the dishwasher, then watch my son and Ryan playing Nintendo.
“Don’t let it bother you,” Chris says, sliding a hand over my shoulder.
“Hmm?”
“What Ryan said.”
“I don’t care what O’Connor said. It’s just that… Look at them.”
“Evan is at that age, and Ryan is more like a mate. That’s why they’re so close and get on so well together.”
“A mate, you say?”
“You know what I mean. You’re his dad.”
I smile at Chris and take a sip of the beer I left on the kitchen counter.
“He wants you at the game too.”
“So he can take the piss out of me for not understanding anything.”
“Evan wants you there; it’s just not easy for him to admit it. He’s almost eighteen, Martin.”
“Yeah. He’s a man now.”
“And he’s great.”
“All thanks to you.”
“Not just me,” Chris says, giving my hand a squeeze.
“I did very little.”
“You’ve always been there for him, for us.”
I sigh.
“So you’ll come, won’t you?”
“Of course I will.”
“Jamie will be there too.” Chris takes the bottle from me and drinks. “I saw you two…”
“No way.”
“What?”
“Don’t start with me. I know these games better than you.”
“I’m not saying anything.”
“No, but I know you’re thinking. With that curious, nosy head of yours, you’re picturing a fairy-tale ending for the family’s loser.”
“Are you talking about losers?” Evan slips into the kitchen.
“We weren’t talking about anything,” I respond.
“There was something weird between you two,” Chris says.
“Between Dad and Jamie?” Evan asks as he opens the fridge and grabs a soda.
“What? No!”
“See? Your son noticed it too.”
“That’s because you two are alike”, I say
“Because we’re both good at figuring things out,” Evan replies, taking a few sips. “So…”
“So what?”
“Between you and Jamie…”
“Stop it!” I tell Evan. “And you,” I turn to Chris. “Don’t put any ideas in his head.”
“She didn’t put anything in my head. I did it all myself. All I had to do was watch the way you two tried not to look at each other.”
“What?! That’s absolutely not true!”
Evan bursts out laughing. “I foresee a whole heap of sh—”
“Evan!” Chris snaps at him.
“Okay, I’ll leave you two to it. But you, Mum, make sure you get something out of it, because I want to hear all about it later.”
Evan leaves us and goes back to playing with Ryan.
“And you still expect me to believe you don’t like Jamie?” she says straight away.
“Not at all.”
“He’s hot.”
“Do I have to fancy him just because he’s good-looking and gay? There are plenty of handsome, single lads at the hospital where I work, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to date anyone.”
“But you like him.”
“Hell no!”
“Who are you talking about?” Ryan wanders into the kitchen.
Brilliant. Just what I needed: Mr Muscle.
“Dad likes Jamie.” My son’s voice rings out from the living room.
“What?”
“That’s bullshit! And you, Evan, mind your own business!”
“Jamie likes Dad, too.”
“What is he talking about?” Ryan asks, his hands on his hips.
As if I’d ever talk about it with him — if there’s even anything to talk about at all.
“It’s just Chris going off on one of her usual mental trips.”
Ryan studies me, his expression serious. “So you don’t like him.”
“If I liked someone, you’d be the last person I’d tell, O’Connor.”
“You’d better. You’re already too involved in the family business. All we need is for you to find your soulmate and never get the fuck out.”
“Ryan!” Chris exclaims.
Ryan scoffs and walks back into the living room, joining Evan.
“God, Chris! Did you have to?”
“It wasn’t me; it was Evan.”
“Now he’s going to take the piss out of it.”
“Then there’s something…”
I snort, exhausted.
Why did I stay for dinner?
“There’s nothing going on. I’m not interested in him. He’s undeniably attractive, and he’s even nice when he’s not being a jerk, but that’s all.”
“He’s such a total lash.”
“Okay, whatever, but you know how I feel about this. You know what I’m trying to avoid. I’m tired of usual men, tired of trying, tired…”
“Tired of being alone.”
I shake my head and take a few steps away from her.
“I’m done with guys like him.”
“What do you mean by ‘guys like him’?”
“Gorgeous and a complete jerk.”
“Gorgeous, huh?”
“We both know what Jamie is like.” I turn to her. “I’m tired, Chris. I don’t want to play this game anymore, you know what I mean?”
Chris gives me a small smile.
“Men like that only know how to cause damage, and I have no intention of suffering for it.”
“Maybe he’s not actually like that. Don’t let his appearance or his actions sway you.”
“Are you saying he’s hiding something he’s too scared to show? That if he meets the right person, he’ll finally realise he can give and receive love? Do you know how many times I’ve told myself that, only to end up crashing on your sofa instead of going home alone?”
“Martin…”
“I stopped believing those kinds of stories.”
“But you like him,” Chris insists.
I sigh. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does.”
“It would be a disaster. Besides, it’s basically family.”
“So what?”
I look at Ryan and Evan again. “I only wish… I wish…”
Chris hugs me from behind, resting her head against my back.
“You’ll get it, Martin. You’ll get it, too.”
I want to believe her, but I’m starting to think my chance might never come. And even if it does, I might miss it. I’ll never notice if I keep thinking about someone who would only use me for a night, maybe two, or a few weeks at most.
Someone with a list of conquests as long as the River Liffey, every one the same, every one ending the same way.
Someone who wouldn’t know what to do with a doctor — too serious, too responsible, too boring.
Too wrong.