Chapter 7
Jamie
“How are you doing today?” Ryan approaches me during the warm-up.
“What do you mean?”
“Didn’t you have stomach problems?”
“Why is everyone so worried about my stomach problems?”
“Who is everyone?”
I pick up my pace, but Ryan keeps following me.
“God, Ryan, what do you want?”
“Am I making you nervous?”
“Actually, yes.”
“And why is that?”
“I need to focus on the game; you’re distracting me.” I pause, put my hands on my knees, and breathe deeply.
“You don’t look good.”
“Mind your own fucking business.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re acting weird. You’re not the usual Jamie. You didn’t even fuck with me. Is there something you want to talk about?”
“No.”
Ryan sighs in frustration as our teammates gather before the whistle.
We talk about our strategy, the key players, and how important this match is.
And I want to be fully present, both mentally and physically.
But I feel lost, and nothing feels right.
I’m exhausted, and every muscle in my body hurts.
I’m about to snap and tell everyone to fuck off: the team, the coach, the fans. I’m tired of being the Captain.
For once in my life, I want to be someone else.
Someone that probably nobody would want.
Someone that no one could ever love.
I’m too slow out here. I stumble and fall behind, unable to sprint, to run, or even to hold onto the ball. I didn’t score a single try. And today, Ian isn’t here — he’s still on his honeymoon with my sister.
I feel the pressure. Everyone is watching, ready to judge me. I see all of them, but not the one person I wish were here.
“Jamie,” Scott calls as he strolls over. “Coach wants a word.”
I turn towards the bench. Coach is yelling my name. I jog over and stop in front of him.
“You’re done!” he shouts. “Get the fuck off the pitch.”
My head drops. There’s no point in arguing. I’m only dragging the lads down. I slip off my armband and hand it over.
“Murray!” Coach shouts after me, just before I hit the tunnel. “Whatever’s going on, fix it.”
I nod and leave the pitch. When I get to the locker room, I head straight into the showers, still in my kit.
I can’t fix anything until I figure out what’s wrong. All I know is that he’s the only one who can drag me out of this heavy, toxic cloud before I lose everything.
By the time my teammates step into the locker room, I’m already dressed.
No one talks to me. They seem low in spirits; I imagine they think the game’s outcome rests on me.
I grab my bag and step outside, trying to avoid being questioned, but Ryan isn’t someone who backs down.
If he has his eye on a bone to chew, he won’t stop until he’s satisfied.
He stands in front of me, blocking the exit, arms crossed over his chest. He has the look of someone who wants to know everything, and wants it now.
“Let me out.”
“No fucking way.”
“Ryan…”
“What? Ryan, what? Something is wrong, and I want to know what it is.”
“Why the fuck do you care?”
“Because you’re my friend.”
I snort and look away.
“You are one of the family.”
“I’m not family. I’m nobody.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“It’s just the truth.”
“Is that your problem? You don’t feel like part of the family? Now that Riley has married Ian, you—”
“No!” I immediately stop him. “Don’t. I won’t stay here and let you analyse me.”
“Of course. You can analyse everyone, but no one can do it to you.”
“Exactly.”
“Do you realise how fucked-up this is?”
“Then let me out.”
“I can’t do that.”
I drop my bag to the ground and close the distance, pressing my chest to his. Ryan is taller, bigger, probably much stronger than I am, but I don’t care. I just need to get out of here, and if I have to go through him to do it, I will.
Ryan doesn’t flinch. He simply steps back and lets me pass. He doesn’t do it out of fear or to avoid a fight. He does it for my sake, and that hurts even more.
I grab my bag, push open the door, and leave the locker room, heading down the corridor.
“This isn’t about him, right?” His voice cuts through the quiet and catches me off guard.
I freeze. The abruptness of Ryan’s question hits hard. He doesn’t need to say his name. If Ryan is asking, it’s because he already knows. And if Ryan knows, then he must know too, which means I’m completely fucked.
I stay still, my arms heavy at my sides, unable to face what’s behind me, yet too drained to move forward. I hear his footsteps getting closer, then I feel his hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t pity me,” I tell him, not bothering to turn around.
“I’m not doing that.”
“Don’t you dare take the piss out of me either.”
Ryan sighs. “I would never do that.”
“Is it because you know about my shitty fucking past?”
I finally turn to face him, and his hand slips off my shoulder.
“Because I can tell when it’s not the right time, and this certainly isn’t. I know it’s not easy…”
“What?”
“To accept that Riley and Ian…”
“What do they have to do with this?”
“Well, she’s always been your whole family. And now you think you are alone.”
“Bullshit.”
“But you didn’t lose a sister; you gained a brother, actually three,” Ryan smiles at me.
“I don’t know what to do with you O’Connors,” I say, irritated.
“That may be true, but we know what to do with you.”
I give him a small smile.
“And maybe even… him.”
“Don’t you fucking dare!” I point my finger at his face.
“Okay, okay, we won’t talk about him now, if you’re not up to it.”
“We’ll never talk about him.”
“Look, I’m really trying here, yeah? You know how I feel about him.”
“You’re being dramatic. It’s nothing.”
“Grand, whatever you say. It’s nothing. I’ve said that myself before, though, and it turned out to be anything but nothing.”
“Now you’re really giving this thing too much credit, okay? I told you it’s nothing worth talking about.”
“I’ll pretend to believe you if it makes you feel better. But whenever you want to talk, you know where to find me. I promise I’ll keep all negative comments to myself.”
“This is bullshit.”
“True, but I’ll try.”
“We won’t talk about this because there will never be anything to talk about. It’s simply not going to happen. It’s not… It’s not…”
“Possible? I used to think it wasn’t possible for me, too, you know, and look at me now,” he says, spreading his arms wide. “Now I don’t know how it would be possible without it.”
“I’m not like you, Ryan.”
“Of course not. I’m two steps ahead, mate.”
“You wish.”
“You don’t have to be alone, you know?”
I look him in the eye. “I’ve been alone my whole life, Ryan. I really wouldn’t know how to live any other way.”