Chapter 18
Martin
We sit in the almost deserted canteen, two untouched cups of tea between us.
“Have you eaten?”
“I didn’t have time.”
“How long since you’ve eaten?”
“Since noon. I grabbed something with Chris at her café.”
Jamie checks his watch. “It’s ten p.m.”
I shrug.
“Do you want me to get you something?”
“No, thanks. I don’t think I can keep anything down right now.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
I stop stirring my tea and lift my gaze to meet his.
“I don’t think you really want to hear about it. It’s not something you just share.”
“I don’t mind. I mean, if it makes you feel better.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“That’s not an answer.”
Jamie sighs, runs a hand through his hair, and says, awkwardly, “I just want to make you feel better.”
I didn’t see that one coming.
“I’m not used to talking about my job with anyone other than my colleagues.”
“Maybe it’s time for a change.”
“Should I do it with you?”
“I’m here now.”
I study his expression for a few moments. I’m not sure whether he’s being genuine, just trying to be nice, or actually caring.
“Are you sure?” I ask doubtfully.
He nods and takes a sip of his tea.
“It was a regular day. There were a few broken bones, a couple of colds, some cuts and stitches. Just the usual things.”
“If you say so.”
I smile. “You’re right. I talk about it as if it’s normal for everyone.”
“You talk about it as if it’s normal for you, and that’s fine.”
I take a deep breath. “There was a major accident on the M1. Three cars were involved, and a truck.”
He listens carefully, not interrupting.
“They brought three of the injured here. One of them in critical condition.” I take a painful breath. “A woman, eight months pregnant.”
My hand, still resting on the cup, begins to shake. I curl it into a fist and set it on the table, hoping he won’t notice.
“I was the first one they called.” I pause. “And I tried. I really did. I did everything I could.”
“But they didn’t make it.”
I shake my head. “She arrived with internal bleeding, and by then her brain had already stopped working. We tried to save the baby, but by the time we delivered it, it was already too late.”
“I’m sorry.”
“They passed away at the same time, as if they knew they had to leave together. I held the baby for a moment before returning them to their mother.” I pause, feeling the familiar sting behind my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of the champion.
“I should be used to it by now, shouldn’t I?
It’s my job. I know how these things go.
I know it will happen, and I know some things can’t be fixed, that some cases are incurable, that people die every day. They should just be patients.”
“But not for you.”
“They never are.”
“I’m so sorry,” he says again.
“Maybe I could have done more. I don’t know.”
“Don’t do this to yourself.”
I nod, resigned.
“Well, here I am,” I say, spreading my arms slightly. “Doctor Loser can’t even face his job properly. I’m a lost cause.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s just that I held them, you know.” I can’t hold back any longer. “I hoped and prayed, but a doctor shouldn’t beg for a miracle; he should believe in science, in what he does.”
A sneaky little tear slips down my cheek before I can stop it.
“Jesus, I’m such a mess.”
I set my hand back on the table, and this time, he sees the tremor. I stare at my fingers as they shake, and another tear falls, unstoppable. Then his strong, reassuring hand finds mine and gives it a gentle squeeze.
I suddenly look up, and his smile catches me off guard. It isn’t cheeky this time. He’s a bit shy and awkward, but it’s so sweet it makes my heart melt and brings more tears to my eyes, because clearly, I haven’t embarrassed myself enough in front of him.
He looks down and gives his head a small shake, but the smile doesn’t fade. I see it, and I want to keep seeing it. He fixes his eyes on our hands, one resting on top of the other. Mine is still under his, frozen by his gesture, because I don’t know what it means.
“You’re not trembling now,” he says.
“But you are,” I reply.
Jamie takes a breath and, without meeting my eyes, asks, “So, you see why we can’t be friends, right?”