Chapter 17
Jamie
The hospital called, but I barely understood what they said. There was a car accident, and Dr Kane was in the ED, so our meeting was pushed back.
I’m not sure why I even showed up or why I waited two hours for him. But seeing him now, looking so tired and vulnerable, makes me feel like I’ve finally done something good for the first time in years.
He starts making his usual excuses right away. I don’t even know what he’s apologising for. I don’t need to hear it.
“How are you?” I ask again because that’s the only thing I truly want to know right now.
The Doctor looks at me, surprised. He clearly didn’t expect to see me or to hear that question. I get the feeling no one has asked him that in a long time, maybe ever.
He stands still in the corridor, facing me, while people move around him.
He’s wearing green scrubs from the ED, and he looks good in them.
I think he was meant to be a doctor, and I really like that.
I’m not sure if it’s normal, but knowing he’s a doctor gives me a feeling I can’t explain.
It feels like pride, but I don’t know if I should feel that way.
He looks paler than he did last time. I doubt the Doctor spends much time outside. I picture him lying on the grass in the sun with his head on my legs, or maybe walking barefoot by the sea, the wind in his hair and the sun on his face.
His eyes show he hasn’t slept in hours. He looks exhausted, almost ready to collapse. I just want to take him home, let him rest, lie beside him, watch him fall into a deep sleep, and make sure he’s okay.
“Did you come here to check on me?”
“Yes.”
Why lie? There’s no reason. He deserves to know someone cares about him and how he’s feeling.
He should know he’s not alone.
“I’m fine,” he says.
“This is bullshit. You can’t be fine.”
“How do you know that?”
“I’m looking at you, Doctor. I can see right through you.”
I think he just stopped breathing.
“Okay, I feel like shit. Happy now?”
“I can’t be happy if you feel like shit.”
He stops breathing again.
Good thing we’re in a hospital, because I don’t think I could bring him back if I had to.
“Why? We’re not even friends, and we won’t become friends — you said so.”
“I said it.”
He shakes his head in confusion.
“But I haven’t told you why we can’t,” I add.
The Doctor keeps looking at me, searching for an answer. He doesn’t trust me, and he’s right not to. I’m not someone who makes plans, shares dreams, or sticks with the same team for my whole life.
And I’m telling him without a single word coming out of my mouth.
And he understands it without having to ask for anything else.
He closes his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh. He’s found his answer, but he’s not ready to hear it from me, and I’m not ready to say it out loud.
When he opens his eyes again, something is different. They’re still tired, but there’s a new light in them that makes me think I could play more than one game on his team.
I’ll play with you, Doctor.
However you want, wherever you want, for as long as you want. I’ll give it everything I have, even if it leaves me exhausted. And when we finally collapse on the grass, completely worn out, I promise you’ll fall onto me, and I’ll do everything I can to keep you from getting hurt.
I’m here, Doctor. I’m not leaving until I know you’re okay and that you won’t have to cry alone in your bed tonight.
Jamie is here for you.
The real one.
I don’t give a shit about being the Captain if I can’t be your Captain.