Chapter 43
Jamie
My sister’s hand brushes mine, and I’m forced to look up.
“You’ve hardly touched your food.”
“I still feel worn out.”
“Maybe you’re not quite back to yourself yet.” Ian jumps in, trying to save my dignity, though at this stage it’s a lost cause.
“Of course you’re still a bit feverish,” my sister adds, backing him up.
I nod and chase my fork around the plate.
“Maybe you’d rather have a cup of tea,” she says.
“Thanks, Riley. Tea would be grand.”
“I’ll stick the kettle on.” Riley gets up and leaves me alone at the table with her husband.
“Are you sure you want to head back to your place? You can stay another night here with us.”
“I’ve stayed long enough. I really need to go home.”
Ian sighs. “I don’t think it’s a great idea for you to be on your own.”
“I’m fine. The fever’s gone. I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“I’m not talking about that, Jamie,” he says quietly.
I had this shitty idea: turn up at my sister’s place and beg for a hiding place, collapsing like some scared little kid afraid of his own shadow.
It used to be different. It was just the two of us, carrying a story nobody else knew. But now there’s Ian, and he knows every single fucking detail. He’s part of Riley’s family now, and I’m the one who feels like I don’t belong.
I shouldn’t be interfering in their lives, wrecking their peace, or dragging back old memories. Riley’s fine; she’s happy and doesn’t have to worry about me anymore, taking on my burden and shouldering all the weight so I don’t get crushed.
“Jamie…” Ian’s tone turns soft, and if I had the strength, I’d punch him in the nose. “This is your house.”
“No, mate, it’s not,” I snap back. “This is your home. Your family. Your life.”
“You are part of everything.”
I snort.
“I want to help you; we both do.”
“Just because you married my sister?”
“Because we’re friends and you’ve done so much for her and for me. If it wasn’t for you, I’d never have any of this.”
“Consider yourself off the hook.”
“Are you at it again? Hiding behind a few sarcastic jokes?”
I shrug.
“You won’t get out of this if you keep going like that.”
“Maybe I don’t want to get out of it.”
“Riley’s worried about you. So am I.”
“You don’t have to. I’m a big boy; I can take care of myself.”
“Here I am,” Riley says, setting a cup down in front of me.
“Thanks.”
She sits back in her seat, then pushes the plate of her untouched dinner away.
Well done, Jamie. Not only am I falling apart, but I’m dragging my sister down with me. Gold star for that.
“I’m heading home tonight,” I tell Riley, forcing a smile.
“Back to yours?” she asks discreetly.
“There’s nowhere else.”
Riley nods.
“I’m feeling better.”
“Right.”
“I am, I swear.”
“I’ll pretend to believe you, because that’s what you need.”
“You really should start letting go of your grip on me, you know.”
Her hand rests on my arm. “I will never do that.”
“You should know how things work,” Ian adds, getting up. “I’ll go check on Jamie.” He gives Riley a quick kiss, then disappears upstairs, leaving us alone.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You will anyway.”
“You were at his place, weren’t you?”
I let out a heavy sigh. “It’s not what it looks like.”
“I don’t know what it is, because you don’t tell me anything.”
“There isn’t much to say. I got sick, and he took care of me.”
“Is that all?”
I just look at her, exhausted.
“Did you let someone take care of you?”
Riley, what have the O’Connors done to you? You used to be more na?ve, less pushy than this.
“You never let anyone but me.”
“I didn’t ask for it. It just happened. I hadn’t a choice.”
“There’s always a choice. You could’ve called me.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“You wanted to stay there.”
“This is bullshit.”
“You wanted him to take care of you. And that’s a good thing, Jamie. You don’t have to be ashamed.”
“I just wanted to know what it felt like. Just once.”
“Why just once?”
“Because it’s too much, Riley. I can’t handle something like that. It could blow up in my face and cause damage you couldn’t undo.”
“To you or to him?”
“To both of us.”
“It feels good to trust someone enough to reveal your true self, even the parts you wish had never existed. It’s a relief to discover that the person you entrusted with your vulnerability has been quietly waiting for that moment. They see you, understand you, and… love you.”
“I don’t want to be understood, Riley, and I don’t want anyone to love me.”
“Oh, Jamie…”
“Have you seen what love does to you?”
“I know what it did to me,” she says, smiling tenderly.
“Don’t get me wrong, but I can’t be like you. I can’t trust someone the way you trusted Ian.”
“Why? What’s different?”
I look into her eyes. “Because it was all my fault.”
“Jamie, no.”
“If I didn’t exist, if I weren’t who I am, you would never…”
“Please don’t say that,” Riley says, covering my mouth with her hand. “Don’t even think it. This isn’t your burden to carry. The only person to blame is him. I can’t wish he’d never existed, because despite everything, he gave me one good thing in this life: he gave me you.”
“How can you talk like that? After what he did to you because of me… after everything you went through.”
“We both went through.”
“I deserved it. You didn’t.”
“What…?”
“I only had to pretend to be what he wanted. But I was stubborn. I just wanted to be myself.”
“Why are you bringing this up now? We’re fine, aren’t we? We survived.”
“You almost died!”
“But I didn’t, Jamie. I’m here. We’re both still standing, and he can’t touch us anymore.”
“It’s not over, Riley.”
“Jamie…”
“He keeps getting at me, Riley. I’m scared he’ll come for you and everyone I care about sooner or later.”
“Oh, love…”
“He’s everywhere, Riley. In my head, all the time. I can’t let him ruin any more lives.”
“If you talked to someone about it…”
“No one needs to know. You asked me all those years ago, remember? And I swore to you. Now you swear the same to me.”
“Jamie…”
“No one, Riley,” I beg her, squeezing her hands tighter. “Especially not him.”