Chapter 72
Martin
I walked out halfway through my shift. I haven’t slept, and I can’t think straight.
I don’t have the energy to move from one exam room to the next.
I can’t focus on anyone else’s problems, and I can’t help anyone right now.
It’s hard for me to step away from work.
I have responsibilities that go beyond my own issues, but when you might put your patients at risk, you have to step back and let someone else take over.
I gave up twice today, which is something I never do. But I think it’s time to admit I’m not invincible. I make mistakes, not everyone can be cured, and some people just don’t want to be saved.
When I get to their house, it’s past midnight. As the door opens, I brace myself for a punch to the face. Part of me almost wants it — maybe if I felt that pain, I could forget what’s really eating at me.
“I knew it.” Ryan greets me. “Fuck!” He slams his fist against the door, and when I’m sure he’s going to slam it in my face, like I probably deserve, he opens it instead and steps back to let me in.
Chris comes down the stairs slowly and stops on the last step.
Normally, I would run to her for comfort, but this isn’t my family — it’s theirs.
I shouldn’t have shown up unannounced in the middle of the night, but I had nowhere else to go.
I couldn’t go home, where every corner reminds me of him, where his scent still lingers so strongly that I’d rather suffocate than breathe it in.
“Martin…” Chris’ voice is always the same, the voice she uses in moments like this. She’s seen a lot of them; she’s used to it.
But this time, it’s different.
This time, I’m truly in love. Only now do I see how much this changes everything. It changes your whole life.
“Told you I didn’t like this,” Ryan says to Chris.
“Please, this is not the time.”
“Knew he’d screw up, ruin everything, like the arsehole he is,” Ryan snaps.
“Ryan!” Chris shouts. “Does that sound right to you? You don’t even know what’s going on, and you can’t take it out on him. Can’t you see he’s in pain?”
“Take it out on him? Ryan asks, sounding confused.
“You’re basically shouting at him,” she points out.
“I am so pissed off right now! I would smash his face!”
“Go ahead,” I sigh.
Ryan turns towards me. His gaze changes. His face relaxes. His features soften. Even his posture seems less bulky.
“I’m sorry, Doctor. I knew it would end like this. I should have warned you or done more, talked to him… But he doesn’t fucking listen to me. He loves to talk, to hand out advice from on high, but when it comes to himself… God!”
Now I’m confused, and from the look on Chris’ face, I think she is too.
“I was sure it would break your heart.”
Am I in the right house?
“Go ahead and hug Christine. I’ll pretend not to see.”
I study him for a moment. His eyes ache with genuine sorrow. His heart, the one everyone talks about, comes through in his voice.
I take a few steps towards Ryan and throw myself into his arms. He goes rigid, hands raised, as I wrap my arms around his back. I rest my head on his shoulder. After a few moments, his arms lower, and he gently squeezes me.
“I’m sorry, Martin. Seriously. If you want, the sofa is yours.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, moved.
“Everything you need. Our home is your home.”
Evan comes home, slams the door, and heads straight for the sofa.
“What are you doing here?” He asks.
I barely move. “You’re back this late?”
“I had to have a sleepover.”
“So why are you home now?”
“Ryan called me.”
Ryan shouts from the kitchen, “Fuck, Evan, can you shut the fuck up?”
“You didn’t need to come back for me. I’m already feeling better. Maybe it’s time I head out…”
Ryan yells again, “Don’t you dare get off that sofa!”
Evan drops onto the cushion beside me. “Has he been a jerk?”
“No.”
In the end, that’s the truth. He wasn’t a jerk; he was just being himself.
“You both really know how to pick them, huh?” Evan points out.
“Hey! I’m right here!” Ryan groans.
“You shut up, you took a big risk,” Evan says, then looks at me. “Want me to go hit him? Just say the word.”
“Hey, kid, take it easy,” Ryan says to him.
“No, Evan, there’s no one to beat up. Things happen for a reason. You just have to accept it,” I say.
“And you? Do you accept it?”
I shrug. “I have to.”
“So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?” Evan snaps.
“You can stay here with me. We could watch a movie, if you want.”
“Sure, what movie?”
“A horror movie. One of your favourites.”
“I knew it. Fuck it,” Ryan calls from the kitchen.
“All right, then. Movie night it is,” Evan says, settling onto the sofa.
“You mean morning,” Ryan adds as he comes in with Chris. “Move over, Doctor. It’s still my sofa, even if you’re taking it over now.”
I shift to make room for everyone. The ache in my chest eases a little as I let myself be cared for by this family that isn’t really mine, yet has taken me in as an honorary member, softening some of the hurt in my heart.
Chris breaks the silence halfway through the movie. “They’re out cold,” she says, then stands and crosses the room to perch on the armrest beside me.
“Like a couple of kids. Don’t ask me to carry them upstairs — I’ll probably break my arm.”
“You don’t have to do that with me, Martin.”
“Do what?”
“Pretend nothing happened. Crack jokes when you don’t feel like it.”
“I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared that if I let this out, I won’t be able to put it back.”
“Maybe it’s better to let it out. It might actually help.”
“I’m not sure.”
“What happened?”
I let out a sigh. “He doesn’t love me.”
She sighs, too.
“But Chris, I love him. God, I love him so much. For a moment, I thought he felt the same way.”
“Maybe it’s not what it seems.”
“I wanted to believe that, but I don’t want to be the fool who listens to his heart and ignores the signs anymore.”
“Maybe something else is holding him back. Maybe he just needs time.”
“He won’t open up or talk. He won’t let me love him.”
“Oh, Martin.”
“He doesn’t want me. The Captain doesn’t know what to do with my love. And I don’t want anyone but him.”
Chris pulls me close and wraps her arms around me.
“I was right there in front of him. I told him,” I say, catching my breath. “I told him I was in love with him.”
“And he…?”
“He told me, straight out, it was just sex.”
“Maybe he was taken by surprise…”
“He knew exactly what he was doing and he knew how I felt. He didn’t want me in his life. So I let go, quietly, and without making a scene. Loving someone also means knowing when to let go.”
“And you did it.”
“I did, Chris, and now I just feel like I want to disappear.”
Chris hugs me tighter, and I curl up on her lap and cry. I can’t hold it in anymore.
What’s the point of dignity, control, or toughness? What’s the point of my life if I can’t share it with him?
What good am I now if I can’t be his Doctor?
I lost the match, my Captain, the love of my life. I don’t know what I’ll do when morning comes, and I have to face my first real day without him.
When I wake up, my head spinning, I hear a voice from the kitchen.
“My fucking sofa is taken,” Ryan calls out.
“Oh, really? What a great pair of arseholes!”
“No, he didn’t say anything.”
“What the fuck am I supposed to do, hit him until he tells the truth?”
Ryan sighs. “Oh God, fine! I knew we’d end up in this fucking mess. The thing is, I don’t even want to hit him. He looks like a lost puppy on the side of the road.”
“All right, I’ll give it a shot. Just let me know.”
He ends the call, then turns to me and notices that I’m awake and listening.
“What’s going on?” Chris asks, now fully awake too.
“A fucking mess, just like I said,” Ryan snorts, planting his hands on his hips.
“Apparently, both sofas are taken.”