Chapter 73
Jamie
I head back downstairs after hanging out with my niece, drawn by the voices coming from the living room.
“What are you doing here?” I hear Ian say.
“I came to see if I could be useful.”
“And how the hell… Don’t tell me.”
“Word travels fast.”
“That’s because nobody minds their own business.”
I pause on the last step and watch Ian and Nick argue.
“How is it doing?” Nick asks.
“What do you think?”
“We’re in the shit, as usual.”
“If you came here to be a dick…” Ian says.
“I came for Jamie.”
“Jamie is here and can hear you,” I say, stepping in.
“Hey, man, what’s up?” Nick asks.
“You’re really asking him?” Ian snaps.
“What did I say?”
“Stop it, please. My head is bursting.”
“You look like you haven’t slept,” Nick says.
“You think so?” Ian turns to him.
“Is there any coffee left?” I ask as I walk into the kitchen.
“Yeah, I just made some.”
“Oh, good,” Nick says, following me, though he doesn’t really care about the coffee.
I pour two mugs and hand him one.
“So…” He takes a sip. “Things are…”
“We’re not talking about it, Nick.”
“Fine, we won’t talk about it. But if you’re listening, I still have something to say…”
I shake my head and lean against the counter.
“I don’t know what happened between you two. I just know one friend is falling apart, and the other — who isn’t really a friend, but I can’t just ignore him — is struggling too.”
I try to push the pain down.
“And I don’t think either of you should be like this. Not that I care much about the Doctor.”
“Nick…” Ian warns.
“It was nice to see you finally giving a fuck about your business.”
“Are you saying you were happy to have me out of the way?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, thank you. What a dick.”
“I’m trying to talk without making things worse.”
“Even quiet, you make it worse,” Ian calls.
“If you’re eavesdropping, join us!” Nick shouts.
“If you insist.” Ian comes in.
“Where’s the third little pig?” I ask.
Saying it makes me feel empty inside.
“Pig?” Nick asks.
I shake my head, overwhelmed, and say nothing.
“If you’re referring to Ryan, he’s engaged on the opposite front,” Ian clarifies.
“So we have two different factions, and we have to choose who to side with?” Nick asks.
“I don’t know. We don’t know shit! Neither of them is talking!”
“God, this is so frustrating,” Nick mutters.
“You know what’s really frustrating?” I say.
“Sitting here, listening to you talk about my life and his like it doesn’t matter.
Dealing with your looks, your bullshit, your bad advice, and pretending.
” I look up. “Pretending I care about everything else. Pretending I’m okay when I just want to hide.
Pretending nothing happened, when everything did. ”
“Jamie, we didn’t mean—” Ian starts.
“I didn’t want to.” I push myself up from where I’m sitting. “I didn’t mean to.”
“What? Hurt him?” Nick asks cautiously.
“I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to…”
Christ, I can’t even say it.
“Fall in love?” Ian finishes for me.
I shake my head.
“We don’t ask for it or go looking for it. Sometimes, the more we try to avoid it, the more it seems to find us. We just have to accept it and hope we don’t mess things up too much,” Nick says.
“Is that the best advice you’ve got?” Ian turns to his brother.
“What do you want from me? I’m not good at advice. If it weren’t for him, I probably wouldn’t even be with Casey now.”
Ian sighs and looks at me. “And if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have my family now.”
“You see, we need you,” Nick says. “Without you, we’d be lost.”
“That’s because you’re idiots.”
“True. But now you’re the idiot. Hide out here as long as you want, but you can’t hide from yourself,” Nick continues.
“Fuck you.”
“You tried, but he found you anyway,” Ian adds.
“He has no idea what he’s found, Ian.”
“No, he doesn’t, because you won’t tell him. You don’t want to let him help you,” Ian says.
“He doesn’t have to help me. I’m not his patient. I’m not sick.”
“Are you sure?” Nick raises an eyebrow. “Because I actually think he’s the only doctor who can help you.”
“Holy shit, you started without me?” Ryan’s voice from the kitchen doorway makes all of us turn.
“Weren’t you on the opposite side?” Nick asks.
“Please don’t talk about the opposite front.”
“Why? Is he occupying your sofa without your consent?”
“My sofa? I’d give him the whole house if it would help.” Ryan’s voice is serious, tight with worry. “I love you, man,” he says, pointing at me. “And I have to say it because friends tell each other the truth, even when it hurts.”
Ian and Nick look at him while I lower my head.
“You’re making a huge mistake — one of those choices that only brings pain and suffering, and none of it has to happen.”
“Ryan,” Ian says, catching his arm.
“That man is broken.”
I shut my eyes.
“That man loves you. He’s falling apart because he loves you and wants to help, and you won’t let him.”
“Ryan…” Ian tries again.
“And he’s got a dignity you can’t even imagine.
Not a word, not a tear — at least not in front of me.
He just stands there, looking like he’s lost everything and doesn’t know what to do.
And now I come here and see you, looking like you’ve lost everything and don’t want to move on.
I’d slap you, but I can’t, because you’d probably hit me back, and then these two would tell everyone, and I’d look bad. ”
“Can you try not to go off topic?” Ian tells him.
“I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m not up for that, and I’m not like you. I haven’t been through what you have, and I don’t know how it feels, so I have no right to say anything about it. But as your friend, I can tell you this: that man loves you and would do anything to be with you.”
“You don’t understand, I’m not—”
“Aren’t you made for love?” Ian says.
“Or do you just not have the courage to take the risk?” Nick adds.
“You have to do it, Jamie. Forgive,” Ryan says. “Or you’re going to lose this game, man. And this is one of those games that will change your whole life.”