Chapter 79
Martin
I am overwhelmed by his story, his emotions, and his attempt to give me the part of himself he kept hidden. His words, his pain. I try not to let it crush me, to remain calm for him, to give him strength and support, and not to burst into tears, but it is so difficult.
I love this man — every single piece of him.
I wish I could take away everything he’s been through and carry it myself, because I don’t want him to suffer anymore.
I can’t believe what he’s endured, what he’s had to do, or what his sister has done.
I also can’t believe a father could do that to his own son.
He’s my Captain — sweet and vulnerable, yet all muscle and armour, built to keep the world out.
“And that was the problem. You could see me. You caught a glimpse of that hidden part of me, no matter how hard I tried to bury it. With you, I was vulnerable again, and I couldn’t handle it. With you, I was afraid again.”
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I would never have done that.”
“I know,” he says, taking my hands. “It wasn’t your fault. God, Martin, you are so authentic and beautiful and… You deserved the truth, and I just didn’t want to give it to you. I was afraid for myself, afraid to be weak again, and I was afraid that…”
“What?” I ask, alarmed.
“That if you found out who I really was, you couldn’t love me.”
“God, Jamie.” I kneel on the bed and take his face in my hands.
“I thought I would stir only compassion and pity in you, and…”
“What? Talk to me. Keep talking.”
“I cannot forgive.”
“Who can’t you forgive?”
“Me. I can’t forgive myself, Martin. I can never do that. It’s all my fault. Only my fault.”
“No.” I hug him so tightly that every muscle aches. “Don’t say that. God, how can you even think that…”
“I can’t love while I’m carrying all this hatred and anger inside me.”
“Honey, no. You have nothing to make up for. And I’m sure your sister never thought that about you.
Your sister loves you and has protected you, and you just have to let her love you, let me love you, and you…
You have to forgive yourself. And you have to love yourself.
How can you not see how wonderful you are? ”
“After everything I’ve told you, you’re still here, holding me and saying these things. I can’t believe it.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Nothing scares me, as long as I can be with you.”
“And you still love me, despite everything. Even though now you know… I’m a mess, Martin. A fucking mess.”
“I know.” I smile at him.
“I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m no longer Jamie the Captain, and I’m not even sure I’m Jamie Kennedy, or at least, not the way I used to be. The edges are blurred; I don’t know where one ends and the other begins. I’m terrified of getting lost among the voices of the past and the present…”
“Look at me,” I tell him. “You’ll understand, okay? Slowly. You will understand who you are, not who you’re supposed to be, and I will be with you.”
“Really?”
“Fuck, yes. You’re not going to lose your way. If you hear voices that disturb you or try to lead you astray, listen to mine. I promise I’ll get you home.”
He bites his lip. “Right now I’m only sure of one thing.”
“What is it?”
“I want to be your man.”
“Oh God.” I instinctively bring a hand to my mouth.
“If you want me.”
“Are you serious?”
“You’re the only sure thing in my life, Doctor.”
I move closer and rest my forehead against his. “And you are, and always will be, my Captain, whatever you decide, whatever you do.”
Jamie sighs on my lips. “I’m in pieces, Martin. And they’re so small I don’t know if I’ll ever find them again. You know that, don’t you?”
“It means I’ll sit next to you and help you pick up every last one. And we’ll find a way to put them back together.”
“Fuck! That arsehole was right.”
“Who are you talking about?”
“It’s really you.”
“Mmm?”
Jamie doesn’t answer. His lips finally find mine again.
I’ve missed them so much that I almost bite his from nerves, afraid this is just another dream I’ll wake up from and forget.
But his taste is real, and I know it right away.
His warm breath, his hands in my hair, his tears — everything is real.
“Martin?” he says against my lips. “Don’t give up on me, okay?”
“I promise that I will always play until the last minute, and even after that. Right next to you. We’re on the same team now.”