Chapter 16 #2
“I’m the lucky one. James is a sweet, caring boy who deserves the world. That’s why I’m fighting so hard for this program. If you could see him perform, see the bone-deep joy in him when he’s creating and performing, you’d understand why I’m so passionate about this fundraising.”
When she drew her eyes back to his, she was met by a full smile as if the act of listening to her gush about her son somehow gave him joy.
The notion that he understood and respected her devotion to James acted as a carefully placed wedge in the doorway to her heart.
A door she was trying hard to keep firmly in place.
No matter her efforts, it seemed as if Adam was going to make this difficult for her.
Liking this man because he was fine and an amazing listener was one thing.
Liking him because he supported the way she loved her son, that was something totally different.
And she was afraid the something different was going to be her undoing.
“After you left my office, I got to thinking that it seemed like I was missing something.”
His words brought her attention back to their conversation, forcing her to give herself a mental shake to get her head together.
“I’ve seen parents try to get their kids everything they wanted. But those parents usually believe their kids are entitled to anything they want. That’s not the vibe I get coming off you, Janae. Aside from wanting to keep your kid happy, why’s this program so important to you?”
She contemplated what her next words should be. Should she just give him some platitude about her kid being her everything or should she tell him the truth?
“Because this program is the only way my son can get into the New York School of Performing and Fashion Arts without me having to spend forty thousand dollars per academic year … that I don’t have.”
She saw the questions floating in his eyes. She was a managing nurse anesthetist. She brought in more than two hundred thousand dollars a year before taxes. If anyone should be able to send her kid to school without crying broke, it should be her.
Too bad expectation didn’t take into account having an ex who tried to extort her for her freedom.
“Marq did everything he could to contest the divorce, dragging out the procedure for over three years.”
Her words were rushed. She knew if she hesitated on even one of them, she might not be able to get these words out.
“He ignored emails, missed court dates, and filed silly claims the court was forced to investigate just to slow the process down.”
“That sounds frustrating.”
She looked up to the ceiling, shaking her head slightly.
“Incredibly so. But more than frustrating, it was costly.”
She repositioned herself on the stool, needing to keep her body from tensing up at the memories.
“Marq may have made the military a career, but his family had old money, so he definitely had a financial leg up over me.”
Adam slid his hand over hers. His simple touch dissipating some of the intensity her memories brought.
“Marq was a traditionalist. He insisted his money take care of our family, and my salary went toward all the things that sort of improved our quality of life. Vacations, interior decoration, cars, life insurance, and college funds.”
“Wait.” He frowned and held up a finger. “Life insurance and college funds were considered extras?”
“I repeat, Marq came from money. He didn’t have to worry about things like life insurance and college funds. The money was always there for him to use it. I didn’t have that experience, so I wanted to put money away for that reason.”
She took a deep breath, pulling her eyes away from him and focusing on some distant spot on the fridge.
“When I began divorce proceedings, I knew I couldn’t walk into the courtroom with just a competent attorney. I needed someone who could fight Marq and his family’s power and influence, someone who could make me the custodial parent. That took money.
“The first year, I went through all my personal cash savings. The next year, I cashed out all of my assets to cover my legal expenses. That last year, the only financial resource I had outside of my paycheck was the money I’d put away for James’ secondary education.”
Saying those words out loud felt like her chest had been placed in a vice and some external force just kept twisting and twisting, crushing her to the point that breathing became an impossibility.
“If James doesn’t finish this feeder program, there will be no guaranteed scholarship for him.
I’ve been divorced for two years. I’ve just paid off the back taxes I owed from cashing in some of my funds prematurely.
Now I’m working on rebuilding James’ college fund.
But I’m not there yet. Sure, he can take out loans.
It’s just, I don’t want him to start his adult life in debt like I did. ”
Adam stroked his beard, contemplating his words before he spoke.
“So this program isn’t just about having somewhere for your kid to go after school. It’s about helping him realize his dream?”
He’d phrased it as a question, but she could see the sincerity in his eyes that shouted his understanding.
“Yes.”
“You’re an incredible mother. James is a lucky young man.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m lucky. That boy is the light of my life. I would do anything to see him healthy, happy, and whole. Even though I know that setting myself free was better for James’ well-being and my own, I still can’t shake the thought that maybe I could’ve found another way.”
“From your perspective, it doesn’t sound like your ex gave you any other choice.”
She rubbed her temple, trying to self-soothe the guilt that tried to swallow her whenever she thought about this situation.
“If that’s your politically correct way of saying my ex was a dick, you’re right.
Marq was a petty, angry control freak back then.
He’s spent the last two years in intensive therapy.
It’s only now his behavior changed for the better, making it possible for the two of us to co-parent effectively.
But back then, I wanted to wring his damn neck. ”
Adam laced his fingers through hers. It might have been an unconscious movement on his part, but it anchored her somehow, making this story easier to tell when she didn’t feel like she was going to drift off into that dark and angry space she’d dwelled in during her divorce.
“If he’s better now, and things between you are better, can’t he contribute to the fund to help you build it faster?”
“Could he? Yes. If I asked him, I’m sure he would.
But despite his healthier outlook on life and relationships, after going through so much with him, I can never depend on him to do anything for me or my son.
Marq does for his son, but I never want to be beholden to him because of it.
If for any reason he can’t or won’t provide the funding, I won’t feel right until I know I can cover the cost completely on my own. ”
He pulled her hands to his lips and placed a light kiss there, causing her to give him her attention. And when he gave her a satisfied smile, she knew that was exactly the reason he’d done it.
“It’s not about feeling right, Janae. It’s about feeling safe. Your ex made you feel like you couldn’t depend on him without there being some catastrophic event to follow. What you have is a trauma response, and considering what you went through, it’s completely understandable.”
He wasn’t wrong. The strife she experienced through her marriage and divorce had taught her she could only depend on herself.
“You are the bravest, strongest woman I know. Your persistence was always something I admired. I just never thought it would be the thing that saved your life.”
She couldn’t speak. Her heart was pounding, the connection between them growing right there before her very eyes.
His acceptance of her, his understanding of why she’d had to make the choices she’d made in her life, it was acting like a bonding agent that made her want to be closer to him, closer than she’d been to anyone else.
Sensing her need to put the pieces of herself back together, he pulled out his phone, tapping the screen a few times before pointing to draw her attention to it.
“If we’re going to get through this proposal anytime soon, we should probably get back to work.”
“Yeah,” she replied weakly because work was exactly what she wanted to talk about right now.
“So, tell me about these events you were talking about.”
Eating their food and changing the subject was a perfect segue to get them focused on work again.
Adam was so tied up in knots after hearing Janae’s account of her divorce that everything in him told him to gather her up in his arms and just keep her there.
Strong woman that she was, he knew Janae would never allow it.
She’d see it as pity, and nothing about her said she was the kind to accept anyone’s pity. She was too independent for that.
“As I said,” she interrupted his thoughts, drawing him back to the matter at hand.
“the fall festival brings in a lot of money every year from the community. I was thinking of doing something similar with some fun community activities and possibly some exhibits of the skills the kids are learning in the arts program. The first would be a car wash to kick things off in a fun low-pressure way where people just come out to get their cars clean, possibly get some of the local shops to donate products that we could sell to maximize the proceeds.”
He stopped to catalogue her thoughts, taking a sip of his beer and nodding for her to continue.